If.......

[muddleup]

If I take this tablet, will this be the one that helps?
If I go to therapy will this be the appointment that I have a break through?
If I say how I feel will it help?
If I take too many tablets will that help?
If I ignore everything in my head will that make it go away?

So many if's, and no answers.
I mess up so badly
I barely cope
I don't sleep
Horrible nightmares
Horrible images running through my head
Seeing things that I don't know are real or I'm imagining them
I'm angry, frustrated, scared, feel like my head is going to explode with everything that's in it.
Feels like there is only one option....
But what if that option doesn't work?
What if I get it wrong?
It won't be something I can come back from, I will have to live with the consequences.
Don't even know if this makes sense or any difference :(

Oh muddleup so many of your questions go through my head too. I have had intermittent depression for 4 years but have taken an absolute nosedive this year and am really struggling. Suicidal thoughts are very much at the front of my mind. I know what you mean that if you try suicide and it doesn't work then you could be left being worse than you were before.

Can I ask if you are reacting to some trauma in your earlier life as you mention nightmares. What support are you getting - what meds are you on. Sorry don't mean to fire questions but I can identify with so much of what you say. I have an apt with the psychiatrist at end of this month and hope he will change my meds as I am struggling from hour to hour most days.

I think I recognise your name from other threads. Come and talk if it helps x

Hi Nananina
Yes I had trauma although not sure I'd have used that word since it felt so normal.
I just feel so inadequate as a person, as anything really.
I was abused from the age of 3 until early adulthood by my parents and there friends.

I have a Cpn, psychiatrist and pyschologist, but sometimes I don't think they hear me or is it I don't explain myself right?

I saw my psychiatrist in January and she said she wanted to sort a crisis plan out, but it turns out that no one has had the time to meet together to work it out.

My Meds were increased but I don't feel any different, I wish I did.

The kids are away at Easter and I think if I can make it to then then everything will be fine I will definitely have the means and can do it right.

I have had other threads just don't manage to reply to other people, scared I'm gonna say the wrong thing.

I just seem to make a mess of things

OMG it is absolutely understandable that you feel the way you do. Sexual abuse in children (assuming it is sexual) obviously carries over into adult life and reduces your self esteem to minus zero. And the trauma for you carried on over so many years. I've just noticed your post was in the early hours of the morning, so presumably you aren't sleeping.

I know exactly what you mean about psychiatrists/psychologist not really "hearing" what we are saying - and it's because they haven't suffered from mental illness themselves, they just have to do their best to understand us.

Can I ask what diagnosis you have? Really it seems to me that people in your position are suffering from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and the fact that you have never thought you have suffered trauma shows that no one has even begun to understand your difficulties related to the past. Are you talking to the psychologist about the past abuse, and of course they aren't able to really understand. It isn't anything to do with what you are telling them.

There is a therapy specifically for childhood trauma called EMDR (google it) and women on these MH threads have spoken very highly of it, and how it has helped far more than any conventional therapy. Apparently you don't have to go through all the details of what happened as this I am told can be very painful, but I think many therapists think once you have talked about the dreadful things that happened, somehow the memories will fade and you will get on with your life.

You are talking of suicide. I totally understand as I have this in mind too many times. I have the same problem as you though and don't know which method would "work" and the fear of it not working and then having to live with something much worse physically.

PM me about what you have in mind as I don't think it's something for an open forum.