so alone it hurts

[mouses]

i have been feeling so upset the last 2 days and it cripples me that i have no one to turn to, no one to tell how im feeling. no outlet?

i dont have mum or dad, sister or brother to call to say 'this is how im feeling' i have one friend who is in her mid 50's with a busy life, i did text her yesterday but she was to tired. then i text dp (we don't live together) how sad i was feeling but when i try and talk to him he somehow turns it around to how crap his life is? not sure if this is reverse psychology? but it doesn't help?

i spend the days alone, dd at nursery and ds's at school. my illness makes it hard for me to make friends, most people here avoid me? ive tried making small talk with school mums but they walk on ahead, i ramble abit cos im nervous so must come across weird?

my dp comes over few times a week and will just slump infront of the tv, if i make conversations its turned into sexual innuendo remarks which over yrs gets boring! im sure its normal 'man around girlfriend' behaviour and im just a miserable depressive cow.

OR im trying to talk to him, yet his head is buried in his effing phone! or bogging at the tv and the only time i get his full attention is 'bed time'

when the dc's have done well in something theres no one to share it with, i go to school performances, xmas panto's alone where everyone else seems to have a friend, nan or aunty with them...

when i tried zumba, gym and toddler group i was by myself , its like im invisible.

i shake with pain of feeling so isolated, i cry about it, get angry about it. some days i do prefer my own company, then theres days i wish i had friends.

its like im destined to be alone, even when i put a thread on here i get a few replies then they go dead. some one else brings up same subject and gets loads of replies, that just makes me sound like a spoilt brat but not meant to come across in that manner.
i don't even know what im expecting from this, suppose just an ear?

I have an inkling that a good starting point in turning this around would be to get rid of the boyfriend . He sounds like a prize cock and a complete drain on you

Agreed re your partner.
I'd say he was a massive drain on your self-esteem OP. Call it a day? What do you think?

how many children do you have and if you do not mind me asking, why does DP not live with you? or is he not the father of the children? just to clarify.

for me, losing any one else would plunge me even more into isolation? hes not going to win 'boyfriend of the year award' but he does have some good qualities, he's knows when i need to go gp, he's put up with my depressive spells and drives me places when im spending money on crap on ebay!

may just be making excuses for him i don't know? then i can say that about ex-p and demon family..

You have my ear anytime mouses

I'm sorry you're feeling so alone

generally, people try to relate to what you're saying, so when you're trying to talk to your dp about you and how you're feeling he may be trying to tell you that he thinks he understands. of course, everybody is different and although we all believe that we understand how other people are feeling when we've had similar issues, we never really do because each individual experiences things in their own way. He could also be doing the reverse psychology but is obviously failing

with the kids achievements and school stuff - its a shame that you don't really have anyone to share that with, but you know, when your children are older and have kids of their own, they're going to look back on all the times you were there watching the plays, doing the parents evenings etc and know what an amazing mum you were doing it all alone.

(((big hugs))) xxx

theres a few reasons why, one because we cant afford to. he has debt and priorities are not in the right order.
im an introvert and he's extrovert, he does ask me to go places with him but i don't feel up to it. so we clash abit, if he was to live with me he would be out more than in and this would bug me.

he is father to dd. i have 2 ds's from previous partner.
i don't want to moan about my dp, i was just expressing how alone i feel.

Like PPs I don't like the sound of your partner, sorry it's not sounding like reverse psychology, it's like him not supporting you when he should.

You are NOT, not destined to be alone! Please don't think like that- it's just going to get you down. Also you don't sound like a spoilt brat.....do you always put yourself down? I think you're very harsh on yourself, because you sound lovely, intelligent to me, if very self critical! You're not coming across as weird here.....just unhappy.

Lots of people are more lonely than they let on, by the way. Do you see yourself as an independent person? People are very busy and good at rejecting people based on very little, I know I've done it myself, it's me being lazy! Often it's nothing to do with the person themself. I bet there were people at the classes you tried who would have wanted to get to know you if they had the energy, time etc....

About the threads on MN- gosh, have you seen how many unanswered threads there are! It's just right place, right time when things get answered. I've had loads of threads which aren't answered. It genuinely doesn't bother me and it shouldn't you either.

OP, I hope this is just a bad day and you'll feel more up tomorrow. In the meantime have a hug from me, I wish I could give you one IRL because you sound like you really need lots!

Also wanted to add: I've got the wrong idea about people absolutely countless times and that says something about me not them. Don't place too much store by people's responses to a couple of hours in your company, it'll eat you up. I know this is probably unhelpful.....very hard to absorb into a mindset.

he's a large part of the reason why you feel alone though

change is scary. what small changes could you make tomorrow? anything from a walk for twenty minutes to replying to some threads on mn or baking something

i feel bad now that ive made him come across as a dick, he doesn't help with dd much or the home whilst over and does need a kick up the arse, i cant bear the thought of hurting anyones feelings so maybe i do put up with it?

i get told that a lot, not to put myself down. i don't know i am? im just trying to put it into words how i feel?

i guess im independent, i wont let dp live with me cos i know i cant keep myself and dc's better. if that's independent?

with the classes etc, they just stood in their little groups, abit like toddler group mums. ive never been confident enough to talk to them.

i wish it was a bad day but most days are the same feeling,

goldfish - honestly he didnt make me lose everyone and end up alone, i did that all by myself. he tried to get me out, to parties, to wedding, to his family. but i refuse i cant handle the unknown.

i know im complaining about being alone, but sitting in a room with potential inlaws in awkward atmosphere isn't helping. but he does try, i suppose when its your own family its more comfortable then for me. and vise-versa?

he offers to go out for dinner etc, he's not all bad. just not perfect. then no one is.

i walk the dog, i took dd to the park today. still feel alone. even with 3 kids?

You can have a moan without making him look like a dick! Please don't feel guilty. Everyone's got bad points. Not your fault that people have got a bad impression of him. But really and truly, he doesn't sound like he deserves his feelings protected by you. Are you scared of being without him? (I know I've definitely stuck with losers in the past to avoid being alone- friends and relationships alike.)

Hmm, but you can change how you feel....it's hard I know. But things like saying you're a spoilt brat, it's so exaggerated, because I can't see that in your post anywhere. Don't think I've met many obviously spoiled people really.

Well then you see, if they were all standing around in groups and not mixing, just sticking to their comfort zones, they were probably all feeling shy themselves! No one has perfect confidence or indeed IS perfect. Just because you weren't in the middle of a group doesn't mean you weren't feeling just like them, or aren't just as attractive as them (in whatever way).

Have you tried meetup.com? It's harder for some people than others yeah, but life's not fair. And I know lots of people who are quite shy, awkward etc (but definitely worth knowing!) who have a wide circle of friends and really open up when they're around people they trust. Do you think you're good company? Maybe self esteem is the first issue to tackle?

im not scare of being without him as i pay my own bills, do everything on my own etc so don't rely on him in that way... if we were to ever split id be more upset that dd will spend the week end away from me - neither of us would cope with this, also the awkwardness of ex's standing at the door and going leaving with kids makes me ill.

i feel like im a spoilt brat cos im moaning, that i want it this way but cant have it due to my own ways. if that even makes sense?

honestly, the groups ive been to. they all scan me, ive lived here 14yrs so know faces, words get round about my illness, ive had rescue pets come and go and get voiced about... so i genuinely worry if they just like all the rest.

ive not heard of meetup, my counsellor keeps telling to go to mind groups but i cant get to them with dd being at school half day i aint got time to get there and back in time.

self esteem and confidence seem to b in space somewhere.

Oh mouses I'm sorry you are feeling so alone, I wish I wasn't 1000's of miles away so that I could come and have a cup of tea with you. Sending you a virtual (((HUG))). Have you had talk therapy, sorry I can't remember?

When you take dd to the park, can you invite a friend and the friend's mom to go with? Then it's a one on one situation, much easier than trying to break into a group. I'm an introvert to, so I know that this can be very challenging. I hate meeting dd's friends' parents for the first time, especially if they come to my house. Haven't come across one that wasn't friendly though!

Have you tried volunteering? Baby shelter, old age home, library? It will get you out of the house and into contact with other people, even if only superficially. I also found that volunteering did wonders for my self esteem.

hi lasting, ive been trying to get talking therapy, the gp/counsellor are moaning that im not takin the next steps, but the lady who was planned to home visit - never turned up (if you remember me saying?) ive phoned up twice and got a 'she's not ere' reply 'ill get her to call you' but havent heard nothing.

lasting I don't have no one to bring with me to the park, dd also has no one. well school kids but no one will talk to me at the school runs. she does talk to kids in the park and I might the childs mum might exchange words, like how old, talks well for her age etc...

but what I miss is that someone who is there when I need to express feelings/emotions, need advice or just a friendly voice to calm me down or say everythings gonna be ok.... the mums in the parks would run a mile if I sat there and spilled my heart to them lol

problem with volunteering is I don't drive and theres nothing near enough to get to and back intime for dd's 2.5hrs nursery hours.

Hey mouses. I will respond to your last message tomorrow, just wanted so say hi, how was your Saturday and I hope you sleep well tonight.

oh lasting...its seems like im cursed! ive been down the hospital because eldest son broke his wrist. (with his dad AGAIN!) quite badly, he's had to stay in hospital to see bone specialist. so not a good Saturday.

I had to drag my ill dd out with me (and younger son) she ended up getting a temperature of 39.7 whilst their and shaking so docs had to assess to her too... she has a viral infection... ive got to have a break from it all at some point?!

mouses just come across you thread and wanted to offer my support. Being lonely is horrible, I have been there myself. I know what you mean about going to a group and no-one including you - this was my experience of toddler groups and it was miserable.

Sorry to hear about your DS - what a horrible shock for you, and what a worry. I do hope they can sort him out soon. Sorry also about your DD - my DD used to have high temperatures with every virus she got and it is miserable for them and for you - how is she today?

Oh no mouses that's terrible! How are the dc's today?

thanks fantasia, I get frustrated because I moan im alone but aint got the confidence and avoid going out or making effort to change things.
ive had such a bad experience with 'friends' it put chills up me.

my friends pre-kids drifted away once id had my dc's and i couldn't keep up with the freedom lifestyle they had, going cinema, theme parks etc..
then mum friends I made just upped and left with out no forwarding details. after 6-7yrs of babysitting, being there through bad times.. then nothing!

i feel out with my last closest friend on the day my dd was born 3.5yrs ago! over a joke put on facebook! that really took its toll on my trust in people, it was hard to keep my head straight with a new new born!

dd is feeling better, im topping her up with calpol, ds has had surgery to put his arm straight and casted should be home soon. x

It is often difficult to stay on the same terms with people who don't have DC when you have a family yourself. Dropping everything and disappearing off for the day at a moment's notice isn't really an option when you have to organise babysitters etc.

I also lost contact with some of my mum friends when DD was small and it is very isolating. Now the weather is picking up a bit, would you consider doing a few things outdoors with the DC? Being out in the air can make things seem a little bit better. Sometimes I do a bit of gardening in the summer, even though I hate it, as then I get to see my neighbours coming and going and we often have a short chat. It can be a long day when you don't see anyone to talk to all day long.

I'm pleased your DS will be home soon, that must be a relief for you, what a worry. Good news also that your DD is feeling a bit better - there are a lot of colds about at the moment.

Your lack of energy, your feelings of isolation, your shyness because you think people aren't interested in you/look down on you, your inability to see when you are blaming yourself instead of chalking events up to chance all point to quite bad depression from what I can tell. On top of it all you have the care of active youngsters and a not particularly helpful DP and XP to cope with. Maybe they try but they're not that effective. I'm not surprised you are struggling.

Other people might well see an amazing mum with lovely kids and a stable relationship which is also the truth.

One thing that might help is if you think of everyone who is nice to you as a temporary friend. You could have a five minute friendship in the park. Some friends drift in and some drift out - it's natural, common and not because of you. You had some longer term friends in the past and now there are vacancies in the five year friends slots. Maybe if you have enough five minute friend moments eventually some will hang around without you even noticing. Enjoy your chats and maybe your confidence will eventually build up to try other ways of making friends.

At the moment the main problem is not having someone to talk to so I hope the GP/Counsellor really pull their fingers out because you need that help. Hassle them as much as possible until they want to make it stop by doing what you want. If you have a really bad time at 3 in the morning call the Samaritans, they're not just there for people at risk of suicide. Consider medication if you haven't already because sometimes you just need to stabilise the mood to get cracking on all the improvements you need to make. I understand if you don't want to go there though, although they helped me cope until I got the therapy I needed.

I hope your children feel better soon, things are always worse when you are worried about your loved ones.

Hi mouses, how are things today? I agree 100% with everything sisterofmercy said.