"putting the SPRING back in our step - village support for depression and anxiety"

[LEMmingaround]

Heres the new thread guys. What is this, thread 9?

This is a thread that is situated in a virtual village of support for those suffering from mental health issues, or just those struggling with what life throws at them.

Please feel free to join in.

[SnowyMouse]

Sorry everyone's having such a rough time (((( all ))))

[BluBurd]

True worrier, you coped because you had to. Now the worry is gone, you are effectively safe to fall apart. In other words you delayed the anxiety and depression until it was okay to have it, if that makes sense.

I am having a terrible day. Been crying for most of it, feeling suicidal and terrified of the med increase and terrified it won't work for me. I miss the old me so badly. I just want to walk off, lie down somewhere and stay there until I either get better or die.

[DumDum32]

TW like blubird said this May be a delayed reaction as u bottles things up through the tough period to cope that now those worries are gone U r letting it all out.

blubird sorry to hear ur having sucidial thoughts :( don't be scared of med increase everyone reacts differently to meds & u need to find the right dose for u. Try keeping urself distracted somehow - music/tv/mindfulness exercises whatever works for u ((( hugs )))

I've been having v. Horrible flashbacks & nasty feelings but am so glad I have diazepam as it's kept me a little sane today. Been having self harm urges too but thankfully they seem to have calmed down a bit this afternoon. Just keeping myself busy as much as I can but feeling very angry too for some reason :( :( :(

[BluBurd]

True worrier, every night I feel almost myself again and I think, see...I can get better. Then the next morning I will be crying on the floor, certain I will never recover and I'd be better off dead. It's a horrendous roller coaster and one I want to get off so badly.

I was in a state earlier and text my mum. Said that all I wanted was one lovely lovely night with my children, then get into bed with them all, kiss them all, tell them how much I love them and lie with my eyes closed, listen to their breathing and feel happiness. Then not wake up again.

I hope these antidepressants will work for me and get me stable enough for therapy.

[LEMmingaround]

TW - when i had a breakdown it was money worries that tipped me over the edge. I had coped with so much, i had an unplanned pregnancy as i was finishing the lab work for my PhD, my dad was admitted to a care home with dementia and was treated badly, lots of upset and fights, then i had my DD, my dad died, i had to write my phd thesis literally while breast feeding, i had gallstones and was so ill i lost four stone in 8 wees . All of this i handled, it was only when i finally finished my PhD and had my viva that it all caved in. I think its quite common when people who are under stress to be able to fight through it and then break when the pressure is lifted. This is what happened to me.

Do not underestimate the effect of financial difficulties though - this is what nearly broke me.

So sorry, can't keep up with the thread - its all gone a bit crazy

I do hope everyone is managing over the weekend.

Snowy i know weekends can be difficult for you - so just saying hi xx

Love to all xxx

[LEMmingaround]

8 wees!!! now that would be a miracle diet! 8 weeks!

[ColouringInQueen]

Wow lem I don't think I knew that much about your back story - soubds like a really tough time.

tw def a delayed reaction- I was similar. And I can so relate to those feelings that you'll never get better. But speaking as someone who was in a really bad place last year, it does get better, a lot better.

bluburd, snowy, dd hope you're having a peaceful evening.

[NanaNina]

Haven't been on for ages because have been having a really rough time. Have family problems and my dep/anx has nose dived since January, which is when I found out about the problems. Can't say any more as some of my family use FB.

I can see lots of us are suffering just now and that we are "up and down" and I honestly think this is the nature of the beast and not to do with the meds "not working" though of course sometimes a higher dose will work, or an additional one prescribed. I have been on an additional one for a year now and it hasn't really made much difference. My CPN is talking about lithium and I think someone bluburd? is on it - can you tell me what other meds you are on as I don't think I can take lithium with the ones I'm on. Got myself in a state of high anxiety yesterday as had apt with psych, only to find that they had sent letters out changing everyone's apt but I didn't get the letter, so my next apt is 28th March. I suppose my nose dive is to do with the family problem but can't be sure, as nothing seems to be certain as far as mental health is concerned.

Hello to everyone - sorry I can't "reach out" very much - am feeling worse than I have for a long time and feel defeated somehow. But yes I agree that mornings are the worse time for lots of people (certainly true for me) and sometimes pick up through the day and about now 11.00 pm I feel more or less ok after feeling shite all day.

Read about a man dying in a car accident aged 71 and I envied him, wishing it was me - I am 70 and the thought of another 10-15 years of this is too much to bear.

[NanaNina]

Ah just looked back and it's Queen of knickers on lithium. Can you tell me if it's helped - do you mind saying what other meds you are on?

[NanaNina]

Just had another read and the things people are saying resonate with me so much. That awful feeling of emptiness and having no interest in anything and just wanting to stay under the duvet and not face the world. I've cried so much over past few days and I'm worried as I can see DP is worried and he is pretending he isn't, but I know he is. I admit that my suicidal thoughts have been very pervasive recently.

Oh god sorry to be so bloody self absorbed when so many of us (and many others) are suffering too. I also realise my post about not being able to bear another 10-15 years of mental illness when all of you are so much younger I'm sure and have young children and jobs to worry about, was very insensitive to say the least.

Thinking of you all Snowy Lem CIQ DumDum Blueburd trueworrier and anyone else I've forgotten.

[DumDum32]

Hi all,

How is everyone this morning?

I'm pretty much same as yesterday & just wanna scream
Out loud! Sleep was also terrible :(

I think once my brother gets up I'm gonna leave DD with him & go for a much needed walk. Just feel the urge to leave the house but am scared I'll get outside & just burst into tears which will be so the flashbacks & the ugly feelings are not leaving me I think I'll have to call my cpn tomorrow about it. I feel so disconnected with everything at the moment.

I need a to calm down me thinks first & then I can take my morning dose of diazepam. Hopefully that'll help.

[BluBurd]

Morning nana and dumdum. Nana you are not being self absorbed. We are all struggling in one way or another, it can help to let it out.

I was brave and took my increased dose last night. I feel sick and hot today, very anxious when I woke. I didn't sleep well either, woke every sleep cycle but went back off again.

I don't know how I am feeling this morning really. Mostly hot. I cleaned the bathroom which is the most housework I have done since I got ill. I washed the dishes and hoovered the lounge.

I guess I am just kind of accepting this is how I am going to feel for a while. I am fighting my thoughts, the ones that try to convince me I will be like this forever or that I can't do things because something bad will happen.

I am hoping I might make it through the morning without having a break down.

[LEMmingaround]

Trueworrier - you could be me!! All of those things that happened to me, were a long time ago and separately, it would have been ok - all of it distracted from the money situation too. Lots of people on this thread have been through so much more and im awed by each and every person who posts here. I didn't busy myself, i stopped - my DD2 became my world, to the exclusion of all else, even DD1 who was older :(. It was my way of putting my head in the sand.

Last year it all came to a head again, having been to hell, and i mean hell with finances, bailifs at the door, court appearances - I even got a county court judgement overturned and the other sides lawyer told my DP that I was like a rotweiller with a bone and should consider a career in law But when your family and relationship is on the line it is amazing what you can claw out of yourself. All of that - then i got a job, was badly treated by bosses, took on too much and broke again - this time it was worse. I am on medication for the second time but realise that i need to be on it for the long term.

No one sees the frightened me, they see someone who will wade in and sort out trouble and isn't scared of anything - yeah right, if only they knew!

I am exactly the same as you trueworrier with money, i even got stressed about money when i was working last year and earning good money, it stressed me out almost more than having no money. I am still the same, have abandoned food shopping serveral times and caued us to spend more money because i would only buy the bare minimum. I can't do any other sort of shopping but i am getting better, over time.

I know several tricks to play to help with finances though - especially the mortgage - you have until the end of the month generally to pay, of course we always end up taking advantage of that so it became our due day so less flexible, but if you really can't pay it, pay something - even if its just a fiver, anything to stop you being a month in arrears because they can't hassle you (so no scary letters) and they can't put additional charges on. Of course this doesn't work if you are already behind, we have been four months behind before and that can be scary, but still if you keep them informed then its not so bad. If you want any advice about finances, please PM me because i have every sodding T shirt there is about some git trying to take money from us.

We don't use our landline, no one has the number i am obsessional about it, letters scare the shit out of me. But i am getting better.

[LEMmingaround]

nana good to see you , glad you found us x

[thinking101]

Hello, I'm new to thread and I just want to write this down somewhere.

I really dont like myself very much, I realise I have always had underlying low self esteem that makes me quietly hopeful and confident that I can do something. But this is coupled with being an extravert and naturally sociable. I always think I'm an odd mix.

Since my mid twenties I feel like I've been slowly losing bits and pieces of myself - various life events. I had AND and PND with my first DC and suffered mild bouts of depression since on and off. I feel like I very easily lose myself to being hyper aware, overthinking, emotional. Ive been hovering the kast few months and now after a week of not sleeping much, and comming down with cold I feel its just about finished me off.

I think I have socail anxiety, stuff happens which I have got a bit obsessive about and cant let go eg in one sceario I feel so strongly about a person I fantasise about shaming them by exosing who they really are. I avoid and dislike situations to do with a certain group which is incredibly hard. I feel weak - who have I become? I want to know when I will feel like me again, where I can just get up and live my life without having to think cosntantly about everything.

I feel like walking out today. I cant stand the noise (even though its normal conversation levels) the constant but repetative demands of family life. My DH irritates me and he hasnt done anything wrong, he has done his fair share, though I dont feel very close to him at the moments I feel like I am deep inside myself. I dont think my issues are related to him.

I dont want to go on AD's I have never used them, always self help and talkig therapies. I think I need to go to the GP to access some of these services but also to have my B12 levels looked at. I have literally grind to a halt with diet and exercise which makes me feel very guilty.

I dont have any major health issues, financial worries or anything, a comfortable life. Though I do get bored as a SAHM sometimes, alays feel like I'm not a good enough mum to my kids, do I do enough with them, for them. Though DH and I are on our own where we are no family. I wanted kids but dont feel like I should be a parent.

[onthehill]

Oh hey, you're all here!

[LEMmingaround]

Nana - i am sorry you are feeling so bad and i am sorry about the family problems. You must not feel responsible, for whatever they are, folk need to find their own way. We took my mum to the garden centre today, she seemed to perk up a bit, she bought some weed killer :) She has picked up over the past few weeks, she went back to her GP last week and she prescribed mirtazipine which i was relieved and about. She hasn't taken them which was partly my fault because i told her that she mustn't forget to take them, which i think she might as the minute she lays on the sofa in the evening she falls asleep. I also know she wont continue with them past the difficult first few weeks. Right now though she seems alot more at peace with the world - long may it continue! Did you take mirtazipine? what were the initial side effects like?

Welcome thinking - I think we all lose ourselves or who we think we are along the way somewhere, i certainly don't recognise myself as the person i used to be, so instead of not liking the person i have become and trying to get back to the person i was, im trying to like who i am now - its not easy because i want to be the young and carefree person i thought i was - but you know what, rose coloured retrospecticals (i just made that word up!) Looking back on my life i can see i have always suffered from insecurity, low self esteem and anxiety - always. Just like you i was an extravert and sociable, but i never really felt it, not really, so am i any different? i don't know. Maybe i am just more honest with myself now. May i as why you don't want ADs? it may be that they would help you, but of course it is very much personal preference and i don't think any of us would be on them if we felt there was another way.

I think all good parents question their parenting, i think that society nowadays puts on so much pressure to be perfect parents to our children, that our children's needs totally trump ours and that our own needs and desires are a long way down a very long list - i don't think this is ok, because who are we doing it for? our children? I'm not so sure - its whats expected - I think there is going to be a generation of spoilt brats emerging in the next ten years or so, i really do and us as parents will be thinking its because we didn't try hard enough, when actually, we try too bloody hard.

I know what you mean about people - i do have scenarios in my mind where people who have shown their true colours to me, fall on their own sword, i think its perfectly normal to feel like that, wanting karma to do its job. Never bloody does though :)

Ciq I hope you are feeling ok this weekend, i always look up to you as someone who shows that things really can improve, no matter how hard it is - i think you always try, what else can anyone do really?

[SnowyMouse]

Hugs NN

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks lem I'm struggling to keep up with the thread tbh!
Weekend has been mixed. Lovely looking after dnephews at their house (nice break from here) in sun.

Like many of you I think I've suffered with low self-esteem all my life, and definitely depression and anxiety since leaving uni (over 20 yrs ago). I am loads better than a year ago.

But head is still weird. Dh says I am quiet. Managed to express something about ds to dsil which is progress. Just feel stuck in my head, overthinking? overwhelmed - next two weeks look v busy and dh (now with some work } is away two nights each week (I don't like doing bedtimes with dcs - had enough by then).
Doc is ringing me back tomorrow. Don't know what to say though. There's nothing major going on. Just wish I could focus on stuff - some of which is nice and find some motivation and be relaxed. I've got to the end of the day, and looked at my meds and been tempted to take the lot even thought I know I won't and its a daft thought (though why do I keep having it?) March is proving busy.

Hi nana sorry to hear things are so bad at the moment. Hang in there.

Hellow too to snowy, bluburd, worrier, onthehill, thinking, dd, annie, qok, needaholiday, lollipop, khimaira, fromage, metoo, shimmering, mouse and anyone I've missed, and anyone reading.

[BluBurd]

CIQ make sure you tell your gp about thoughts of taking all your meds okay? I get thoughts too, that I know I won't act on. It's stress and anxiety and it's treatable. Is there any way to make bed times easier on yourself? Bring it forward a little bit with the promise (bribe) of a DVD in bed for them? Not sure how old your kids are.

[ColouringInQueen]

Thanks bluburd
Hmm not sure whether to tell her. I know I won't act on it - its very different to when I was properly suicidal last year. Dcs are 5 and 9, bedtime seems to take ages with story each etc but its good advice - I'll have a think...

I think part of this is less exercise and having poorly dd at home most of last week. But next week looking busy so not sure how I can pace myself.