Why should it just be me? Long rant sorry

[Pfer]

Mum had a car crash almost 5 months ago now. She's had her smashed pelvis stuck back together and a new knee and is now on crutches learning to walk again. She's doing so well and I'm really proud of her, her surgeon and physios are amazed at her recovery but I was never in any doubt as she's so determined and hates to be a 'burden' (her words).

Thing is since then I've been trying to keep working (part-time from home), look after my family and look after mum. I've had very little or no help from anyone else. 8 weeks ago I stopped going around last thing at night to help her to bed, she could do that herself then, and stopped cooking every meal for her, she wanted to do more for herself. But I still collect her chaperone for her physio appts twice a week and take her home again afterwards, do her cleaning, grocery shopping, massage her leg twice daily per physio instructions, and generally do everything for her that she can't yet manage. And I don't resent a minute of it. I'm 32 yo and till her accident she was there for me whenever I needed her so I just see it as little bit of pay back for all she's done for me.

Thing is I'm tired. I had 2 days away a month or so ago and my brother (who lives closer to mum than I do in fact about 500 yards from her) popped round to see her for about 20 minutes, forgot to pick up per prescription for painkillers from the Doctors and generally didn't bother. Now, I asked him yesterday to pick up a prescription for mum, he works in town near her dr's and as I wasn't going in to town I thought it'd be easier for him. He collected it, but then came home from work, had his tea, drove past mums house to go to another job and didn't drop the pills in. It would've taken 2 minutes. So sis in law went to where he was working about 5min drive away to pick up pills and take them to mum.

Now when she got there mum mentioned to her that I'm going away for a few days soon and that there were a few things she'd need doing, eg leg massage, chaperone transport, that's it as I'm going to do her grocery shopping before I go. Anyway sis in law phoned me when she got home, ranting away that she was going away that week and that there was no way my brother would rub her leg. Does she really need it doing etc.. Well yes she does, it's what I do every day "Oh" was the reply.

Honestly, since she came out of hospital they have left absolutely everything to me, is it because I don't have a full time job? As it is I've had to take a mortgage holiday as I can't do enough work in the time available. Seems my time is much less important than anyone else's.

What really gets me is that my brother does sod all for her and she's done so much for him, more than he knows about. It's my mum my sis in law goes to when she needs bailing out financially, she doesn't tell my brother, goes straight to my mum. She had ?1000 in February, which she was going to pay back, mums had ?10 from her. All she could afford. Now her new business has taken off and she's getting paid quite a lot each week she's still not paying any back. I know she'll ask mum again if she gets into strife in the future, but she won't help her with anything.

Anyway, sorry about this, I just feel like a fool. A knackered fool. I've been feeling lousy, the doc. says I'm suffering from stress and that I should take it easy, but if I take it easy who'll help mum? No-one.

Sorry, just ranting, and crying, hate my brother and his other half. God, all the things they said they were going to do for mum when she got out of hospital........they've done nothing. .

I'm so damn tired. I need this holiday, and yet I know all the time I'll be worrying whether or not they've just forgotten about mum.

sorry......

Pfer, no wonder you are exhausted. Can you have it out with your brother? (when you feel calm) and perhaps write a list of everything you are doing for your mum to show him and tell him that you really need him to take some of strain off you. There doesn't sound like any good reason he can't do his fair share.... Sending a hug your way

They sound so incredibly selfish. Poor you. It's no wonder you're feeling so stressed by it all.

I know you shouldn't need to but could you arrange a 'home help' person to look in on your mum while you're away? Is there a neighbour who could keep an eye on her for you even if they can't do all the other stuff? Our local pharmacy has a service where they collect your prescriptions from the GP and drop the medicine off at your house for you. Could yours do the same? It would only make a small difference but at this point I'm guessing that you need all the help you can get.

It's so cr*p that you're having to worry like this when your brother and SIL live so near. xxx

Thanks for that. I've been on my morning visit to mum and she said that SIL said last night "Well we're going away! Bro is coming back early because of you anyway". Meaning brother is cutting short their break away (a long weekend at SIL's aunt's, they have a fortnight away a couple of months ago) because of mum, but I know he's only booked 2 days off work anyway, she was just being snotty. SIL phoned me this morning to find out exactly what needs doing, I've told them not to worry too much as I'll sort it out before I go away, told mum this as well. Am going to arrange for my aunt (mums sis) to come over a few times while I'm away and one of mums friends has asked me to let her know what date I go away so she can call in few times as well. So all being well she won't need their help. That's not the point though is it? She's his mum, she's helped them out so many times with the money she got from my dad dying and they've been happy to take it. Happy for my neice to stay overnight so they can go out, happy for mum to have the same neice from 8am to 6pm 5 days a week for the first 3.5 years of her life without even a thank you. Now because she's out of action they don't want to know. As for having it out with my brother, I know it's coming as I'm getting angrier by the day, but I'm putting it off hoping I can find a time when I'm calm to speak to him about it. Mum says "It'd have been better for them if I'd died in that crash", that's how little she thinks they care, and TBH she's probably right .

I feel very sorry for your poor mum. I expect her description of their feelings towards her probably hurts her more than the actual crash itself did IYKWIM.

Trouble is, it sounds like DB & SIL are a pair of selfish, thoughtless tw*ts who, however much you ranted at them, would go out of their way to find excuses why they couldn't help and/or simply not bother to do it anyway - knowing that because you have a conscience, you're not going to abandon your mum without making some sort of other arrangement (her sister, friends etc).

Mind you, I think it would still do you some good simply to release all the stress you're feeling at them - even if it does no practical good, as you will be no worse off for having vented, and, I suppose, there is a very slight chance they might get their lazy ar**s into gear. I'd be tempted perhaps to write to them as opposed to phoning or calling round - that way you can ensure you tell them everything you want to say, (without crying, without feeling intimidated) - and they will have to read it - without fear of being shouted down, or hung up upon.

Maybe the one good thing is that your mum has seen what they're really like - that the scales have fallen from her eyes (if they hadn't previously). Hopefully she will no longer be doing them any favours, and, when she feels well enough to deal with it, I think she should get the loan to SIL sorted out on a proper footing, with regular repayments on DD. If SIL won't agree, maybe she should be threatened with the small claims court ?

I also think this is the sort of thing which will fester for years to come if you don't say what you think to DB & SIL.

Thank you so much for your thoughts....

I've about given up on them myself TBH and am arranging things without them.

We were supposed to be doing a dratted car boot sale this morning to raise much needed funds for the holiday but have been rained off. Mum phone DB last night and asked if he's bring her a newspaper sometime this morn. as I'm not going to be about "Yeh, see ya" then he hung up. was all she got. No, "how are you" etc. They really seem to resent doing anything for her.

The quote about the carer might be a good idea, then at least they can see what I'm actually putting into this to get mum back on her feet.

They really are a pair of selfish gits.

Mum bless her phoned to make sure we weren't going to drag the kids out today in all this rain, and said I was to take cash from her bank for our hols as "you've worked hard enough for it". I don't want her money, but think will borrow some and pay it back each week, so the kids can get their hols.

Anyway, stuff DB and SIL, they can rot for all I care. If they dare to ask mum for anything again they'll have me to get through first, then they'll know what everyone (not just me) thinks of them.