help, my anxiety is off the scale.

[dontcallmehon22]

Posting here for traffic. I've had a relationship break down this month which sent me a bit crazy. I run my own tutoring business, but thought going back to classroom teaching might give me more stability and regular hours. So I got a short term contract through an agency.

The school was lovely, but after an hour my anxiety was through the roof. I was sobbing in the toilets. I left my last school with anxiety issues and it seems all those issues were triggered by being back in a school again.

I quit after two days. The school and the agent were mystified and angry with me, as I left the school having to find someone else.

I started citalopram four days ago. I'm sitting in bed shaking, feeling suck and with no energy. I let everyone down. I'm such a failure.

I'm obsessing. I partly blame the man I was in a relationship with for this. He messed with my head. I feel sick and heartbroken.

Anxiety is like having a brick wedged on the accelerator of your mind, it wont seem to stop.

Recognising that you are obsessing is a useful first step to dislodging that brick.

Another tip. Forget posting on facebook until you are well hates facebook with a passion

Im sure a brief 'Job didnt work out' update of FB will do.

Plus when you are ready to work again, try a different school/agency? I do avoid the school I pulled out of tbh! Once you are well, who needs to know?

Mental health nurse / CBT therapist here, youve had some great advice here,
Keep taking the meds, its normal to feel worse before you feel better, and can take a couple weeks to start to feel the benefits,
Stop beating yourself up, i bet you wouldnt wish anxiety on your worse enemy, and certainly are not to blame for your own setback now,
Anxiety is HORRID, but it cant damage you
So id say
Acceptance,
Meds, meds review with go regular,
Explain via email to agency,
Give yourself time in sick role for meds to work,
Get lots of rest, distracting activity,
Activity, walking each day,
Eat regulary meals and snacks,
Write down, talk about whats been stressinf you out,
Dont bottle up, sweep under the carpet,
Mindfulness about the actual anxiety symptoms, let them be, let them pass, dont amplify by entertaining thoughts of - this will never go, i cant cope etc ... Thinking errors, not truths
Act as if you are ok, and you will start feeling that way !!!
Best wishes !!! X

I have suffered lived with anxiety for 23 years (diagnosed with panic disorder, agoraphobia, health anxiety and PTSD).

Medication and a short course in CBT has helped A LOT and I have been relatively free for 4 years. Acceptance and knowledge has been the key for me. I now see anxiety as a friend, something which has made me stronger.

You do have to be in the right place, but this can be beaten. This is not something that is being 'done to you' but we do it to ourselves. No outside force involved - meaning that is us who has the power to stop it.

Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this is helping.

I don't really understand my behaviour tbh. I feel awful.

I know it's easier said than done, but if you can begin thinking in terms that you are ill, and not that you've done something wrong, that will help enormously. When you are anxious you end up battling guilt as well. Vicious circle! Both mindfulness and CBT will help with this.
You didn't ask for this, nor do you deserve it. This is NOT your fault.
With regards to the school- a good friend once said to me "the world doesn't revolve around you". I was pretty shocked and a bit hurt but soon realised she was right. Sometimes we feel so guilty about events we obsess and forget that it's not a major life event, things happen. Sometimes we make mistakes, but very rarely is it not fixable. The school would have been shocked as it was unexpected, but someone else would have been employed within a couple if days and it would be over.
I hope I've said this in the right way. It's not at all meant to upset you. It's meant to help you to put it perspective.

Sometimes I feel almost normal and then that makes me feel more guilty, thinking I should have stayed on. The staff looked really upset by my decision, they'd placed a lot of trust in me. One of them said I mustn't do this to any other school and I must be really sure before taking a job again.

I keep replaying it in my mind and wondering if there was anything else I could've done. I'm a single parent too and I've chosen the insecurity of self employment and the irregular hours for my mental health. Maybe that's selfish .

Can anyone help me to compose a short email to the school/agent? I won't get a nasty reply, will I? That would cause me further anxiety.

Removing myself from the situation seems to have caused further anxiety, not less!

Oh and thanks drinkyourmilk, that makes perfect sense.

Just bumping this if anyone is around

Your health is far more important than any job. So if being self-employed works best for you, then that's what you should do. It's not selfish one bit. It's being practical and sensible.

Agency staff are under immense pressure to drum up new business, get people into placements and keep them there. Try as hard as you can not to take any snottiness personally. They are just thinking of their targets/keeping schools sweet etc. As are the school too.

If you are prone to anxiety, then it's not surprising that a relationship breakdown has made it worse. At the same time you were trying to deal with a new job. Which is another hugely stressful thing. Be kind to yourself and try as hard as you can not to judge yourself. No one chooses to suffer from anxiety. I hope the Citalopram starts to get to work soon and you start to feel much better.

Poor you - this sounds horrible. As well as all the other suggestions you could see if your local IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) service takes self referral - www.iapt.nhs.uk has a services page with a directory - you can get a range of evidence based therapies including CBT on the NHS. If they don't take self referral and you want to go ask your GP to refer you

OP citalopram can make you feel worse when you start taking it, before you feel better. I had panic attacks on starting citalopram (never had them before or since) and they were clearly related to the drug. It took a few days before they settled and then I started to feel much better. So hang on in there and try to go easy on yourself / not do anything stressful or triggering for a few days if you can avoid it. xxxxx

I take citalopram for anxiety does take a few weeks to work

Thanks all. Yesterday I ate 6 carrots and a ready meal. Today I had 8 choc chip cookies. So I need to work on nutrition. I keep thinking of the school saying I left them in a mess. But they only interviewed me on Monday.

That helps a bit sillylass

I've been doing things like pinching my skin really hard with agitation. I feel a little calmer now.

please, OP - mental health issues are just as real as physical ones and just as much absolutely not your fault! Just because it doesn't show doesn't mean it isn't there,. No-one who knew the truth would blame you, so please don't blame yourself.

please take all the lovely advice on here, and tell the agency that you have anxiety and are now on medication for it. No shame, no blame.

good luck and get well soon - and look after yourself.

I will and thanks for the advice. I will try. I'm not going to send any emails for at least a week. I hope I get some sleep tonight.

Try not to think about your anxiety as YOUR behaviour - its not. It is the anxiety behaviour and what you need to figure out and understand is what causes your anxiety and have an understanding of what is happening to your body when anxiety hits it.

Anxiety is a NORMAL defence mechanism (fight or flight - needing to get out NOW!!) - everyone has it, we need it to keep us safe, however for some of us it doesn't seem to have an off button. It is at that point your body takes on too much air and a range of symptoms hit us - depersonalisation, palpitations, pains, numb lips, pins and needles etc. Seriously if at the point just before the panic hits you are able to relax your body, put different thoughts into your head and regulate your breathing that panic leaves the body.

Have you thought about asking HQ to move this thread to mental health?