nobody to turn to

[xxmissbrightsidexx]

I don't expect replies or sympathy, just need somewhere to vent and write it down.
I'm a mum to two very brilliant boys, and 10w pregnant with our 3rd baby. My OH proposed on the 17th Feb, we've been together 8years. It appears to be the perfect life. But it's ME that is the problem.
I'm such a bitch to my partner and kids at times, I don't physically hurt them, but my moodswings go off the scale. One minute I'm happy, then at the click of a finger I go off on one. I often cry in the bathroom or bedroom, and then paint a smile on afterwards as though it's all okay. There's been a time, a few years ago where I was in the middle of town on a night out with my partner and friends, I started screaming and banging my head against a brick wall until my head bled. It's what I feel like doing nowadays when I'm at a low, but have to stop myself, so I pick pick pick away at my fingers until they bleed badly. I've been depressed since my troublesome teen years, constantly ran away and rebelled badly. A lot of shit has happened to me. I thought things were under control, and then got pregnant at 17 and suffered severe depression/baby blues, then my dad died unexpectedly. I was put on meds which I took myself off of, and had a psychologist who I stopped seeing. Nothing seemed to help me. So I've been struggling along with no help, no nothing. My partners amazing but I know he gets frustrated sometimes. I have no friends, family are two faced and are hardly there for me. I live miles away from anyone now so most days I sit in the house, unless we all go out together. I have panic attacks and anxiety if i go out on my own. Cannot bear the thought of going to local centres to make 'friends', Im not a people person at all. Even when family come to visit I constantly dread it, and breathe a sigh of relief once they go home. My partners got a potential job lined up, he goes for the training on Thursday and theyll tell him by Friday if he got the job or not. I am completely dreading him getting the job, as I know I will not be able to function without him here. I feel completely selfish as I know he desperately wants this job, and we need the money. But I can't cope with the thought of being on my own. The panic attacks aren't helping either. I feel a complete failure. How can I get through this? I've got tears in my eyes while writing this cos I know how awful I sound. But I didn't know where else to turn

How old are your children?
Are you currently both at home not working with 2 children? If so having one parent working will be a big change for you. However, there are many parents with one at home and one working - so why not post on the parenting section of the board for tips of how to practically cope with 2 children on your own? Practical suggestions may help you get a structure.

Do you have a child under 5? If so then you can phone up your HV and ask her to do a home visit. The HV can offer lots of practical suggestions as well as visit you. So why not tell her you may end up being a parent on your own and you do not feel you can manage that? She can refer you to HomeStart if it is in your area (England). She can maybe offer you the support of a support worker from the children's centre, who can help find things for you to go to and importantly take you to them until you can manage it yourself.

You do not have to go out to activities and things, however that is how most parents manage having 2-3 children! And children enjoy the activities available at baby/toddler groups and children centres (which are free). If they are tired out they may sleep well if not already and then that can give you more time for you to manage.

you can also tell your midwife when you see her next what you have posted here as you are pregnant. They can refer you to the mental health midwife if you would benefit from that, or a peri-natal mental health team.

If you would benefit from your children being in nursery there is some funding available which your hv could help you with maybe? I am unsure of how to sort it out without advice from the hv.

Obviously you can go to your gp and say what you wrote here. However they can only offer medication and short term counselling or referral to other services if they think you cannot be managed at gp level. Do you want cbt/medication type help. Would that help? Or do you thinkThat does not help change the fact you are used to having 2 of you to manage 2 children, so facing 3 on your own may be part of the stress you are facing. Obviously your partner does not need to accept the job, but managing 3 children without a job also sounds stressful. Why not post on the other boards about practical tips for that as well? lots of advice around on the different boards.