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Mental health

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Original poster

Jealous of friend and new baby

15 replies

Bibiboo · 08/08/2006 20:59

This isn't right. I'm very happy for her and that her baby is healthy and well, but I am shocking myself with the jealousy I am feeling.

I lost a baby last October and shortly afterwards lost my father (explains long absence from mumsnet), so times weren't great when she told me she was pregnant and was distraught as she was on the pill and didn't want a baby. I thought I dealt with it well at the time and throughout her pregnancy, but all of a sudden these horrible feelings are inside me, wondering why she can have a healthy baby, yet mine was taken away?

I am ashamed of this jealousy and am frightened to see her as the news has had me in tears most of the day. I can't explain the mixture of pleasure I feel for her and the envy I feel that she's got this perfect baby. Sounds very very childish now I'm writing it out, I wanted a baby she didn't etc.

I just wanted to get it down in type and maybe see if anyone else has felt like this?

Thanks

OP posts:

1Baby1Bump · 08/08/2006 21:01

I know how you feel and it is a natural reaction. dont listen to anyone who says otherwise.
you know it is not the right way to feel but is completely normal so please dont worry.
it will get better.
x

aitch71 · 08/08/2006 21:13

i have felt that too, when i've lost much-wanted pregnancies. i think it must be normal, surely?
it is a good question, after all? why do some pregnancies get taken away and others don't? it is terribly unfair, i think. but it is life, unfortunately, which is sometimes deeply bollocks.

i do understand your feelings, and i do think that they are fine under the curcumstances. you are human, that is all, and it will get better I'm sure.

aitch71 · 08/08/2006 21:14

and i'm very sorry to hear that you lost your father. been there too, also deeply bollocks...

Original poster

Bibiboo · 09/08/2006 13:13

Thanks for your kind words. I am really excited about seeing the baby tonight, but those jealous pangs are still there and I know I'll cry buckets when I leave the hospital. I never expected to feel like this, so it's a comfort to know I'm not an evil woman.
x

OP posts:

madrose · 09/08/2006 13:21

You are not at all evil - please please don't think that.

When my BF told me she was pregnant I was so shocked I thought it was so unfair, it should have been me. In fact I was quite horrid to her and not excited for her as I should have been.

I rang her the next day and explained that I was really really happpy for her but was a bit gobsmacked, and once I had said it I felt so much better about the whole thing and I felt geniunely happy for her. (reading this back just reminds me how horrid I was )

It is hard though and tears do help. I'm really sorry about your baby and your dad. You've been through a really rough time.

bundle · 09/08/2006 13:24

I think it doesn't sound childish at all, all of those emotions are perfectly natural and to be expected with what you've been through. I think if she's a v good, close friend, you should say to her " I feel thrilled for you, but I feel a bit sad for myself, I'm sorry if that's sounds selfish but I've been through a lot..etc etc" and I'm sure she'll understand.

iPodthereforiPoor · 09/08/2006 14:14

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself, I haven't been through the hard year you have had and I am feeling that way about various people I know having babies...even strangers on mumsnet having them makes me sad. At least you know why, and have been able to identify what and why you feel so pooh about. That is much less destructive than angry feelings building up and not acknowledgig them.

shhhh · 09/08/2006 15:04

OMG I know exactly how you feel. We experienced x2 mc's and each time it happened we were told of one of our friends who was expetcing. TBH I wasn't so bad around most babies but friends of our's baby was due the same time ours was . I remember those days being my worse. I last saw her when she was 3 months pregnant and didn't see her again until baby was around 9 months..mainly because it was so hard. They weren't trying for a baby ,hadn't been together long etc. But once I fell pregnant with dd things between us changed and I now have more contact than ever.

My friends dad died weeks before they announced the pregnancy and he never knew about it BUT it still didn't change things between us, friends kept asking dh & I out as a group and tried to involve us but tbh they had no idea what I was going through and all their efforts were pushing me over the edge.

Looking back now, I feel bad about how I was esp given what she was going through but you know what I believe I had to go through it to get out the other end.

I even found it hard having my best friend/bridesmaid being pregnant on my wedding day hard.

I am here if you want to CAT or email me just let me know. Don't be hard on yourself and chill...things will improve, I promise.xx

megglevache · 09/08/2006 15:07

Message withdrawn

megglevache · 09/08/2006 15:08

Message withdrawn

aitchiminh · 09/08/2006 17:51

i do like the name, ipod.

and bibiboo, i hope it goes okay tonight.

RubyRioja · 09/08/2006 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Bibiboo · 09/08/2006 21:06

I've been away from Mumsnet so long I'd forgotten how wonderful you all are! Thank you for your lovely messages, and I'm sorry to hear so many of you have been through similar situations

I saw the baby and he is beautiful and my friend is just on top of the world, we didn't stop smiling the whole time I was there and I even held back tears - not that I had any at the time I was so wrapped up in her new little fella.

There were a few sobs in the car on the way home, but I'd like to think they were a mixture of envy and happiness, not pure envy (like I thought).

We're not planning any more children at present, I wanted my two to be close in age and that moment and timeframe seems to have passed, but I'm optimistic I'll be brave enough to try again one day.

Thank you all again, you lovely mumsnetters!

OP posts:

RubyRioja · 09/08/2006 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

aitch71babe · 09/08/2006 23:54

well done, it sounds like you did very well. and you might even find yourself particularly fond of this little baby as it grows up... because it will remind you of your loss but hopefully in an increasingly softened way.
(also, i DO know how to spell circumstances, the previous was a typo ).

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