Am I ill? *Possible Triggers*

[Ignaz]

I posted on a thread on AIBU earlier in the week and some people commented that I was ill. I don't think I am and wondered what other people thought.

I believe that I incite people to do bad things. These bad things are usually done to me but I worry that they might happen to other innocent people as well. I feel very guilty about this, I think I'm an evil presence in the world. I try to punish myself to prevent it happening, but it doesn't always work.

I spoke to my GP about how I feel but it made me feel worse. Pretty much straight after the appointment I tried to kill myself with an overdose because I was convinced I needed to be out of the world. The police found me and I just spent a couple of days on a medical ward before being discharged. The psychiatrist I saw in A&E didn't think I was ill, and the CPN I saw through the CMHT also didn't think I was ill.

I still feel like I am an evil presence in the world and need to be gone. I did originally think I might be ill but the MH professionals I have seen don't seem to think so, so I think it is just who I am. I can't continue in the world as such a terrible person.

So, i think you need to speak to someone about this - can you talk to your local mind group? your gp? your local gp or a&e can refer you to your local crisis team.

Your local crisis team will have an out of hours number that you can call and talk to someone.

Thanks for replying. I've seen my GP, a CPN at the CMHT and a psychologist through work, none of them apart from the GP thought there was a problem. You can't self-refer to the CMHT or crisis team here.

I don't think I'm ill. Just evil.

It is normal to not be able to self refer to mental health services so do not worry about that.

You said you had seen a psychologist through work, who is highly trained - what did they say? If they were concerned they would have referred you to a psychiatrist for mental health diagnostic purposes.

It is encouraging that 3 medical people do not think you have a mental illness. They know more than we can on an internet forum.

Do you have children, a partner? Are you coping ok with them? The hospital will have risk assessed you and obviously you have seen someone from the CMHT.

Can you see the psychologist again and ask what they would advise you do? Sometimes people have core beliefs that make life difficult or struggle with stress, but that themselves is not a mental illness such as depression or bipolar etc.

Most people are discharged quickly after an overdose, that is normal. If there is no damage there is no need to be in hospital for physical reasons. And overdoses are generally not what puts people onto a psychiatric ward (not those who go for help first or get help anyway). If you are wanting more help could you see a counsellor through work or find your own to explore your thoughts?

Thanks. I don't think I'm ill and neither do the professionals. It was just that when I posted on the suicide thread on AIBU some posters thought I sounded ill. I think I'm evil, I cause others to do terrible things, so the best thing is not to be alive anymore. Sometimes I can keep the evil at bay with SH but it doesn't always work.

Perhaps they were concerned with the strategies you used - such as Od's and self harm. Sadly no one can keep people alive, but if you want help there is some help out there - Samaritans, charities, some NHS support etc.

If I'm not ill I don't need help, so that's good. Thanks.