So feel I can't do this

[Katkins1]

Crap few weeks, since the start of Jan really. I am getting help from counsellor (will make appointment soon- its GP.), but really don't feel as though I can do this.

At the moment, the house is fifthly. I feel dirty, even though I wash, make beds, do laundry every day. I clean the sides, bathroom etc., wash up and put away. But the house is just...it's squalor, basically. I can't stand to be here. The carpets need replacing, fifth all over the walls (pen marks, stuff from when had central heating put in , it won't come off). Needs painting, but I've no time. Cat has sprayed on carpet, have cleaned it, but still stinks. I feel as though my clothes all smell like that too.

I need to vacuum and iron and have a bath but I just can't bring myself to do it. Spent 3 hours (more) cleaning already. Need to put together new drawers for DD, because hers are broken. But can't do it on my own, and no-one here to help me. I'm trying so bloody hard- but I just can't do it.

I'm so useless I haven't even sorted DDs uniform yet. It's waiting to be ironed. Because I've been doing my uni work so I can actually graduate in May. I want to phone social services and ask them to take her away right now, I clearly can't cope with her. She's only 6, but would be better off somewhere else, with some-one who can cope. And find her bloody socks. I need medication, the crisis team, fucking anything. I can't do this. It's too much.

Part of this may be the pressure of coming to the end of your degree. It is a VERY stressful time. Also maybe you have some seasonal affective depression? It's a dark time of year. These two things suggest it may get better within a few months. However you may have got to the end of your tether and need long term help. Definitely go to the GP and get some help. It's a hell of a lot to deal with on your own.

Perhaps you could worry about the big house projects in the summer when you won't have degree work to do any more.

(Try biological washing powder/liquid on the cat pee. It will dissolve the enzymes which will stop going off and re-attracting the cat to that area.)

I've had PTSD and depression in the last year, and years before that. And my Grandfather passed away in Jan. I think it's taken its toll. I was thinking projects in Summer. I've applied for post-grad in another City (far away), so was wondering if I should just leave it until I know for sure. My GP has recommended counselling, I have the number.

Thanks for the tip , I am going to get some carpet cleaner in a bit. I have a machine, the cat is upset by the noise so that usually gets her out of my way for a tiny bit.

Thank you for the reply.

Hats off to you!!! I finished my midwifery degree when I was 20 and had no kids. I was under major pressure and developed depression. I dont know how someone with kids find the time for it.

Dont worry about the tiny bits of house work- noones going to see it. Do the major things like dishes and hoovering. The house will still be there when your not!!!

Have u got any family members or friends that could help out abit.

Let your daughter help tidy up. Make sure she keeps her own space tidy.

Have a good clean once your degree is over with. For now, do the bare-essentials.

Is your gp refusing you medication?
If so, go speak to another GP at your practice.

right, well i can't find socks for ds most days and this place definitely needs painting and is definitely a mess and by the sounds of it i do less housework on a daily basis than you do. so should ss take my ds?

no, of course not. the difference is i'm not depressed at the minute so these things sit in their rightful perspective whereas if i was depressed, anxious, overwhelmed then they would seem insurmountable and cold hard proof that i was a worthless awful person who didn't deserve to breathe let alone have a child. (i've been there believe me)

take a deep breath and then tell yourself there is what is real and there is what you feel is real at the minute. the two are not the same i promise you.

your dd loves you, you are her whole world (don't feel guilty for it, it's as it should be) and you are all she needs bar the obvious food, sleep, roof over head etc that you are giving her anyway.

housework, matching socks, perfect walls with matching scatter cushions darling, etc etc are trivial nonsense and if you really still want them when you're feeling better and less stressed and swamped then you can have them anyway.

has it helped to share and talk?

Midwife and mum- she suggested it, and I declined. Said I'd rather have counselling instead. I've had depression before (in varying degrees, long past, full of trauma). Some days are more difficult than others. There is a lot of pressure on my course, that much is true. 3 assignments (all double) due in by May, including dissertation.

Numpty (great name, by the way!)- I think you have hit the nail on the head there, it is much harder when you are depressed. It's very hard to be motivated, too. Very. I have been having self-harm and suicidal thoughts, so those have probably skewed my judgement a little. These are things I deal with on a daily basis, though, have for years.

My cushions, throws and curtains match (and the tablecloth). Well, in the lounge and DD's room, so that's a start!

It has helped a bit, I've got a really horrible headache and so much to do now though.

might you reconsider medication? i have no choice unfortunately. tried many times for various lengths of time when younger to go without but like yourself depression always recurs as do those nasty thoughts that come with it. i've eventually accustomed myself to taking it long term and not seeing it as a weakness. what i do, long trusting relationship with my doctor, is put it up and down over time. sometimes i need to take a high dose then after feeling well for a considerable time start to incrementally reduce it slowly and see how it goes. if i can feel things tipping i may increase it again a little.

some ads are more suitable to this than others as there are a greater range of doses and tablet sizes.

do you have friends around? anyone you could reach out to and ask to give you a hand one day with the house and offer them a bottle of wine and a setting the world to rights in return? depression can be isolating and make it feel really hard to reach out i know but i bet there's someone who'd be happy to help.

I have ads before. I am seriously considering it again, though. The thoughts are horrendous, I just keep saying I will do anything to stop the pain. Yesterday, I just sat and waited for the pain to go. It was awful. I'd do anything to stop that right now.

I did see a friend today, and had a bit of a cry, that helped.

ok so if you'd do anything to stop the pain then surely trying ads again is worth it? i get wanting to sort it out by counselling totally but when the thoughts are that acute and the depression so heavy you don't really give yourself a fighting chance to be able to make the most of counselling.

glad you saw a friend and let it out a bit - it does help when you can do that - cuts through that isolation and trappedness a bit.

i reckon it does sound like you need to take the ads. they can be over prescribed and over easily prescribed to people who they're perhaps not necessary for it's true but for people who struggle the way you are doing and repeatedly they really can make the difference between a life of constant struggle and feeling like you're on at least comparable ground to everyone around you from which to get on with your life.

Thanks, Numpty. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I did have a chat with a friend at uni today, just in general, was talking about my Grandfather who died recently, and showed him a photo. We were talking about church, that's have the conversation started.

I'm still not sure, because I can't separate depression from grief, but I think it might be worth it, because I have physical symptoms, too. And even though I've done lots of work (including nearly finished a draft of my dissertation) I still feel really tearful and a bit hopeless. I am seriously thinking about it.

sorry to hear about your grandad katkins. how long ago did he pass?

i think it's good news you're talking to people. countering the need to isolate is such a big part of beating this business.

It was 1st Jan, this year, Numpty. Not long ago at all.

no, not long at all

is it just since then that your depression has been back? how were you before his loss?

I was diagnosed with PTSD just before his loss, but managing alright. coping, I guess.

i understand the delay on tablets then - in case it is your grief and the added pressure of finishing up at college.

Yeah, but my worry is I won't finish unless I can get out of my flunk. It's a double-edged sword.

Katkins, there is no shame in using medication when you need it. You don't have to see it as something permanent, just something that is necessary here and now so that you can continue to function on a reasonable level. Talk therapy works better once medication has taken away the worst of the depro feelings.

you know i think it will be ok to take it personally. it's not like you're trying to medicalise grief or avoid grief is it? you're well aware of your grief and that that is a part of this but also aware of your depression history and the symptoms you are experiencing.

AND you are in counselling so you're not going to be using them to avoid doing work on the ptsd or your grief.

i think i'd go for it katkins. i'm numpty btw - name changed for help with a problem x

I thought that honeybadger! I'm not in counselling atm, I need to arrange another. I think it's going to be more of a coping thing, though I am worried about my ability to academic work on them or off them. I've always been quite motivated, and a high flyer, but now, not so much.

not sure actual sat with a counsellor counselling is necessary katkins - you're certainly engaged with being attentive to yourself, your emotions and thoughts etc yourself you know? sorry for muddling and thinking you were in counselling.

high flying isn't all it's cracked up to be imo. there are a lot of circles in life and they can't be avoided by earning/striving/superceding enough. a lot of life is about coping, embracing, surviving, enjoying in the season of enjoyment, doing what needs to be done to survive in the other season etc.

none of it is permanent and there's no real linear a to z with a steady gradient nature to any of it no matter how much we try to project it onto the cyclical whirlygig that life is.

you're doing fine. the reality is you're a survivor. trauma, bereavement, stress, challenges etc and you're still standing and still open and still feeling. honestly you're a success story x

Thank you! It's not the high flying stuff., it's that teaching in HE is my dream (I know, some dream eh?!). It used to be about getting over stuff, now it's about doing what I think I'd be great at; and where my passion is.

I think you are absolutely right, though, there is no amount of success that will protect you against loss, trauma and the unexpected x