I dont know how to keep doing this anymore

[muddleup]

At Christmas I had pneumonia which took 2 lots of extended antibiotics, then I got pleurisy. In between all that I overdosed which unfortunately I woke up from.

4 weeks ago my ex partner sexually assaulted me, I already knew it was my fault but my counsellor reinforced that belief by telling me that I had put my daughter at risk by allowing it to happen, that I need to think of someone else other than myself...but that night I was, I wasnt thinking of myself I was thinking of my daughter.

I didnt scream or shout or say no because I didn't want to make him mad or angry and my daughter be disturbed and come through and see what was going on.

I know I messed up, I fell back into that trap.
I'm messing everything up for everyone. I've become that shouty mum that I hate.
Out of all 3 of my kids only 1 is speaking to me and that's only a mumble.

I cant go on like this, its only February and I've had 2 serious illnesses, my ex hurt me and now there maybe a problem with my heart.
I've let everyone down and I'm just damaging everyone around me and its probably best I'm not here but my kids are here so I cant just now but it hurts so much and I just want it to stop.

Hi muddle, I can't sleep and find myself on here. What an incredible amount you have to deal with. It's no wonder you feel so very low. I'm pleased to hear you have a counsellor, have you been to your gp for anti depressants or discussed it as an option?

It's very upsetting to hear you've been assaulted. Have you told anyone in real life?

Please don't leave your children, they love you and need you. Life would not be good without you in it. My son is cross with me lots. It's a cross we have to bear as mothers but they love us really :)

Reading your op I can feel how difficult things are for you but there is light. I promise. Things always get better and it sounds as if you're already taking steps to improve things. Big hugs to you.

Oh Muddle, what a crappy few weeks

Just take things one at a time

How are you feeling right now? Are you suicidal? Have you spoken to Samaritans? GP?

How do you feel about reporting the assault? Or speaking to an anonymous organisation for support?

That's enough questions!

You had such a lot to deal with, no wonder you're feeling low. Be kind to yourself

I contacted raoe crisis by email and they were ok but it was my fault.
My counsellor works with an agency attached to rape crisis and she just seemed interested in me putting my kids at risk and I get that, I was stupid and I let my cpn and psychologist down who were both worried that this could happen but I didnt want to think it could.

I've to see my gp this week about my ECG but she doesnt or cant do anything about how I feel it has to be the psychiatrist.
I'm feel so ashamed and wish my overdose had worked then I wouldnt be here now.

It just feels so pointless

Whatever the situation is right now, your children need you. Don't try to od again, think about how their lives will be knowing their mom chose to leave them permanently. Don't do that to them.

I think the people who are telling you the assault was your fault are insensitive idiots. No woman asks to be sexually assaulted. You handled it as best you could to protect your daughter. I assume you feel you made a mistake by letting your ex into the house? We all make mistakes and sometimes the result is truly horrible. You must be kind to yourself, think how you would support a friend who had gone through this and then treat yourself the same way. Use any support you can get to help you get through this tough time.

Can you talk through why you put yourself or others at risk (if you did - am not saying you did) with your counsellor? you have a counsellor, a cpn and a psychiatrist - so can you use this support system to ensure you can keep yourself safe? Put strategies in place so do not have to see ex-partner. If custody is an issue ask the cpn to arrange things so that you are never on your own when allowing access rights etc?

Being physically ill is tough and sounds like you had lots happen recently. Do you have support with your dc when you are ill? Could you ask the services to provide you with extra help with your children to recover from such illnesses if you do not have family to help you? Would that help? (When I had a nasty infection recently I had to pay to put my dc in childcare as I physically could not look after them in the day, was expensive but only option as no family available at that time). Your hv could maybe help you sort something out if you have a child under 5? Worth an ask.

You never let your cpn and psychologist down. It is not about them. It is about you. could you use them to ensure it does not happen again? I hope so.

When I told my cpn what had happened she was really nice about it, she said she would speak to adult protective services and see if I fitted their criteria for support, but I dont.
My psychologist listened to me and didnt blame me, but when I spoke to the counsellor from just seemed intent on blaming me and telling me how I put my daughter at risk.
I did everything I could to make the best of a bad situation, to make sure I made no noise, I was wrong to let him, was wrong to think I could trust him, wrong to think that he would think of his daughter lying in the next room, but he didnt, he didnt care so I had to try and make sure she didnt come through, but none of that was enough for my counsellor, I put my daughter at risk by allowing myself to be sexually assaulted and I guess shes right, I did, I didnt say no, didnt fight him off, just let him do what he wanted.

My children are old enough to fend for themselves when I'm not well and I guess seeing that makes it more certain in my head that they would manage with out me and would be better off without me, I just damage them and cause them more harm.

I feel sad that it has come to this but it feels like there is no other option.
If my ex hadnt assaulted me I would still be feeling like this, he just made things more clearer for me :(

I can't keep doing this,
Lights left on dishes overflowing in the sink, no one hears me, want to smash all dishes take all light bulbs out .
Been trying to speak to my Cpn since last week, gp told me yesterday I had to speak to Cpn,
Gp not happy that I cut my wrist, kept asking if I did it to kill myself, told her no that I would take pills to do that, have to get my wrist redressed tomorrow by the nurse, can't face that look they do.
I no I'm wasting their time, I'm wasting everyone's time, but not for much longer.
I've tried I really have but it just goes wrong and it's not worth it anymore

You did what you had to do, didn't you, what mother wouldn't.Have you reported him to the police?

I didnt do enough though, I should have been able to say no but I didnt and now I have to live with the consequences.
It doesnt matter now, I've messed up so badly with everything, I've scared my kids today, blubbered down the phone to the receptionist at the mental health centre and smashed 3 plates, left my kids in tears.
I just think its time for me to not be hear any more before I cause anymore damage to anyone :(

You must have been frozen in fear.This is not your fault, Please don't put your children through the agony of losing you, they really do need you, even if you don't believe it.
And you may think you are a shouty mum at the moment but you are going through so much at the moment, be kinder to yourself xx

How are you today muddleup,did you get an appt?.

Not really sure how I feel anymore.
I go from being numb to anxious, to paranoid to sick to hyper, I can't seem to get a level feeling.

Saw nurse yesterday to get wrist checked she said it was fine but wasn't equipped to talk to me, which it's fine but don't ask how I'm feeling.
Cpn is supposed to be phoning me today but it's not looking like that's going to happen.
Social work went to see my kids at school yesterday, my son told her what I did on Tuesday which is fine I don't want them to keep things to themselves, but my daughter didn't tell, she went mad at her brother for telling because if they no they will come and take me away for being unwell.
She shouldn't have to keep secrets, I don't want her to, if she wants to tell then it's ok, but yet again I messed this up.

I have to face my ex tomorrow, the first time since the assault and I'm terrified, I know the kids are gonna be there and I won't be on my own but it terrifies me.

How are you today, hope everything is going well, please don't be intimidated by him, easier said than done I know, I'm pleased your wrist is healing x