Ive suffered with depression for as long as I can remember - although it was clear until 4yrs ago
ive got a good idea its a mood disorder, bipolar, borderline personality disorder etc... tho gps, councillor and psychiatrist just think depression.
ive never had a huge amount of confidence or self esteem, but going back in time I had enough to socialise, make friends and have hobbies.. I went to preforming arts college, had kids then BOOM! life went down hill. well it wasn't the best life yet id give anything to have the old me back!
never had family support, ever. had a good group of friends (pre-motherhood) I was never one to have intimate boyfriends, go out drinking, take drugs etc - made a few mummy friends but they fizzled out when I wasn't as out going and as exciting as a wet cloth!
fast forward to today, 3 kids, no friends (well one but she a lot older and prefers visitors in her own time) no hobbies, no emotions, no feeling of worth? I sat here yesterday near tears (again) at how isolated and lonely I feel. I cant bear socialising, im terrified of it. so may never get over this. I have zero interest in any thing. my kids are bored stiff, they don't socialise and its my fault - everyones elses kids have the confidence to go cinema with friends (which they don't have either) travel and play out. whereas mine are staring at computer screen all day. 
life feels so empty and well 'lifeless'! only left the house yesterday to get sugar from the shop but hadn't been out side since last fri, as kids are off school haven't had to go out.
theres just nothing there, I feel theres no point to life. I even struggle bein a good mum. I regret having them and having nothing to offer.
sorry to rant on but I have no to talk to in real life.
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Mental health
this illness has stripped me of all i am worth
mouses · 21/02/2014 12:29
hi sorry have been down hospital all morning. he's ok, his bottom lip is quite bad, had a large gash to his chest and bump on the head. but his lip and chest just looks awful!
he had to stay in the night due to bump on the head. the ex stayed with him as I couldn't get there - no praise is given tho. its his fault he was there! and was ranting and raving how long hes had to wait. like its an inconvenience to his night. then im up all night with worry cos hospital contacted social services as they didn't like his injuries.
really shaken up, thanks for askin how he is x
Your poor ds mouses and poor you, as if you don't have enough to deal with
(((Big Hugs))) to you and your son xx
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