Lost

[lost85]

I just walked to the shop and all I could think of over and over in a loop is that I should kill myself. I've been having these thoughts for a while but they're getting worse. I fight it. You see I don't want to die. I want to live so desperately but everything just feels so futile. At night I find myself sad that I'll have to wake up again and go through it all again. Another pointless, futile day. I'm just so completely lost.

A lot of it is connected to work. I fell in to my line of work after graduating 5 years ago and while my career has progressed, I just feel so bored. In theory it is an interesting job, it's something people try to get in to. But in reality I feel like I just spend all day tap tap tapping at a keyboard. It's soul destroying. About 2 years ago I started to have massive panic attacks before going in to work. I cycle and one day instead of cycling to work, I got as far as the lake just 500 metres from my house and just cycled round and round it, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't decide whether to go to work which I felt I should do, or to go home which I wanted to do. Eventually I went home and cried. I called in sick to work. I quit a few months later and freelanced for a bit and then got a part time job. But now I feel like such a failure. I have all this free time to find a new job but I don't know what I want to do. I could do more freelancing again but the only thing I have experience in is what I'm doing already and I can't bear to do it any more. My performance at work is terrible. I just feel so trapped when I'm in the office. I start to get panicky and claustrophobic. Sometimes I go and sit in the toilets or walk in the grounds (luckily the office is surrounded by park land) until I feel I can face it again.

I just can't bear to go there another day and don't want to do and feel like I'm a failure and have constant feelings of guilt and worthlessness and what is the point and I don't know what to do.

I keep trying to call my doctor but I just hang up. I don't know any of the doctors at my local surgery, I've never seen them. I don't want to go in and tell a complete stranger things I can't even talk to my friends about. And I have hardly any friends at that. No real relationship with my family and I can't talk to them. I'm lost. Alone. I don't know what to do. I have to go to work tomorrow and I can't bear it.

I'm sorry. This is just a stream of consciousness really but I have nobody I can talk to. My DP is kind but doesn't really understand.

You must go and see your GP. You seem to be suffering from depression which has lasted a long time. It is unlikely to get better on its own. Your GP can talk to you about medication but I think you should also ask him/her to refer you for some therapy. Good luck. I know it seems hopeless but there is a lot you can do.

Keep talking on here.
You sound very depressed indeed.
You most certainly need to go and see a GP. Any one will do. Get the one that can see you the fastest.
Tell work that you are ill, and most certainly do not go into work.

I am a bit concerned about you.
About 1 in 3 of the population get depression in their lives, so it is remarkably normal.
All doctors should know quite a lot about it. And I should imagine that most have at least one patient a day with it. So are very used to conversations about it.

Dont go to work. There is no need to. A doctor will deal with that.

Can you break it up into stages maybe. So first of all jut book a GP appointment - without having to go. Then when it arrives walk to the surgery. Then go in . Etc etc.

Or possibly find a local counsellor and go for a one off appointment - most will do this. Just to have a chat and see how it feels? If you don't like it then you don't need to go back so no pressure for you?

It seems like it might be helpful to have some outside support? It's horrible being in a negative cycle (I've been there) but it can be turned around!

Write down what you want to tell the gp - you can print out your post on here. Then pick up the phone and make an appointment. Do it as soon as you've read these replies. You need and deserve to be helped, but the first step is up to you.

Sorry, meant to say that you can just give the paper to the gp to read, that might be easier than talking.