Harmed myself.

[Loveyouthree]

I've scratched the tops of the arms so hard it's drawn blood and it's going to be so fucking noticeable. What do I do? I haven't done this kind of thing for years yet it has started up again the past few weeks.

Couldn't cope with DP going, I don't know where he's gone or when he'll be back, he's only done it because I went out for two hours. I went out because we had a horrible argument. I didn't want to come back but couldn't sit in my car all night. Wish I hadn't come back because now he's fucked off. He had aftershave on so might be meeting up with his mates. I'm trapped here with three kids in bed.

I know I'm needy and clingy and find it so hard not being in control. When he went out all he said was "see ya". I just gave a flippant "bye" but literally as soon as he went I was in floods of tears and hurting myself. Please help.

Hello Loveyouthree

You've done the sensible thing by coming to talk, for a start. Have you looked after your scratches? If yes, do you fancy sticking the kettle on? I'm going to be around for a while if you want to talk.

Thank you so much. I don't know what to do with them. I'm crapping myself because as soon as DP sees them, he'll know how upset I was tonight.

Tea sounds good, but if I drink it now, won't the caffeine stop me sleeping later? Genuine question, Ive always wondered how people drink tea at night.

I need to just cry and cry, but I'm scared he'll come home and see me like that.

Can you try different sensations, flicking an elastic band on your wrist, or squeezing ice cubes?

I should have done that, Snowy!

I'm so sick of being a victim in life yet it feels strangely comfy. That's all I've ever bloody been.

I'm here to listen too try not too worry about your dh now.

Thank you.

I'm trying to hard to be logical. I want space from him. If he was here now the atmosphere would be unbearable. But I just can't seem to cope with the feeling of rejection and loss of control.

I'm shaking, my heart is racing, I'm fuming. He might not come back until the the early hours and I'll be woken up. He definitely won't get up in the morning with the kids now. He's probably out having a good time and I'm going crazy. Hate myself. Why do I have to be like this? I want to be normal!!

So hard* to be logical

Aww it's hard thing to live with depression is.

Isn't it just? But Love - we ARE normal, all of us who self harm and have depression are normal. And probably common too!
Why are you worried about your DH seeing how upset you are?

Thank you. I don't feel normal. DP would never do something like this. The town is full of his family and friends, I have no one. I was in my car alone for two hours, he will be with his friends right now.

Worried because I just don't want him to know how much I really was bothered. I tried to act cool and calm and the self harm will give me away. He never shows when he's upset. Ever.

Hi op.
As regards the tea idea, do you have some decaff? Like you I cant sleep well if I have caffinated tea or coffee or cola after 6pm.
So after 6pm I switch to decaff and never have a problem in that regard.

I think too, fwiw, that he will want to know that you are bothered. It is nice for both partners to know that.
Have you got some pets or fluffy toys or even nice cushions that you can cuddle for the time being? Sorry if that sounds flippant, but cuddling something might help a bit.

I used do when breastfeeding, don't have any in now :( thank you though.

Had enough of men ruling my life. My mood can completely flip depending on what a man has or hasn't done. I know that's my problem.

I was amazed to find out how many people I know - online and in RL - are depressed or have self harmed. I managed to stop for a few years with help of CBT but started again recently so I got down to the GP, was diagnosed and out on Citalopram which is helping.
I never wanted DW to see my marks either. But he doesn't have to tonight. Can you be undressed when he gets in?

I'll be undressed in bed, but it's the morning I'm worried about. I would have said I just scratched it on the cupboard door or whatever but stupidly it's on both arms.

And thanks, I suppose it's something most people just don't talk about. I've eaten but feel so sick.

How are you, Love?

In bed, crying intermittently. Dreading him coming home and waking me up. Oh god maybe he won't even come home? How could I forgive someone who would play on my insecurities like that :( thanks for checking in on me though!

No problem x
You said you've started scratching again in the past few weeks - have things got more stressful?

I'm definitely more anxious nowadays, having counselling for that but there aren't enough sessions with the nhs. Not for me, anyway! I'm always stressed. In 3 years or so I've gone from being messy, spontaneous and unorganised to a complete control freak. And of course there are many things in life I can't control, so I'm slowly losing the plot. I think being on the pill makes me hate DP. Sounds crazy but I don't think it's just a coincidence, I think it's the hormones etc. I'm not risking getting pregnant though!

Have you discussed that with your GP? Maybe it would be worth looking at a different kind of contraception or ADs?