My depression is back, and I cannot cope. I really hate myself when I'm like this, negative, angry, snappy, screaming at my poor children, isolating etc etc.
I know what I should do, but I am feeling so scared to go to my doctor. I feel so ashamed. I was seeing a psychiatrist (as is the norm in the country I live in) and found he made me feel worse and worse as he didn't get me and told me i wasn't talking about the right things but didn't give me any guidance AT ALL about what I "should" be talking about and as I find it very difficult to talk in general, I just glossed over everything and wasted my sessions. I don't blame him for being frustrated with me but he didn't help or suggest anything better. So i don't want to see him again but she won't give me ADs without a psychiatrist.
I don't want to talk about my past anymore. I need help on how to live NOW, because I feel as if I was born wrong, somehow I just don't function in this world. I have a perfectly normal job but it makes me so stressed out that my chest hurts, I can hardly breathe and each new email causes panic. I literally screamed at my son last night, screamed in his face poor little mite. He's only 3. He deserves a better mother. So does my daughter.
I feel so alone and desperate for support. My DH cares for me but seems to think I can just pull myself together. I've been here so many times, i just want to find a way to live in this world without these terrible feelings.
I am rambling I know, i can't even get my thoughts together enough to write this. i think i want someone to tell me to go to my doctor, but what do I say when i get there?