In such a terrible place.

[BluBurd]

It feels like this place I am in will never end. I don't even feel like I deserve any support because I did this to myself.

I have had the worst year. I never realised how bad it's been until everyone told me so. I spent new year 2013 crying my heart out over the end of a relationship.spent half of 2013 very unwell, pneumonia twice which first went misdiagnosed as suspected lung cancer. I lost a load of weight, right to six and a half stone. Met someone new and thought I was finally going to be happy but am being assigned a person from women's aid today because I have been psychologically abused by him. During my time with him, I ended up slashing a wrist and finally, eleven days ago, I took some drugs at a house party to try and fit in and keep him happy. I never take drugs and basically have had drug induced psychosis which has passed now but left me with terrible anxiety. I can fall asleep at night but wake up with a racing heart and a heart that feels like it's stopped for a second before starting again. It's horrific. On top of this, I am a lone parent to four dc and I am struggling to cope with the shame and self loathing of what I have done.

I have been on my own for the first time today and dropped my dc at nursery. Before I even got home tears were streaming down my face and once through the door I had a total crying breakdown.

It feels like there is no point to anything anymore. That I will never feel myself ever again. That my life has been turned upside down.

I keep telling myself that if I get back with him, everything will go back to normal. I'll start sleeping at night again, have company when the kids go to bed, stop hating myself all the time.

But it's not true. I have to accept that this relationship, that I fought to keep every month he finished it, is actually over. He has stayed with me everyday for seven months, I just feel utterly lost and scared and although I have a lot of support, I feel alone inside.

The anxiety has lessened to just night times but the lack of sleep is getting to me and I think I am starting to associate sleep with the anxiety which I know isn't a good thing.

I wish someone could wave a magic wand and I will wake up the strong, confident, stubborn woman I normally am, not this pathetic trembling wreck that I hate so much.

Hi
That is a lot to go through.
Can I ask what your life used to be like, including your childhood?
Happy, difficult, married?

Didn't have a marvellous childhood. Separated from my mother from the age of two. Childhood sexual abuse. Moved out from home when 16, first boyfriend was manipulative, using a health condition to keep me where he wanted me. Close family member and a best friend both killed themselves when I was 18. Next boyfriend cheated on me and left to live with her in another country. Next boyfriend met, pregnant and married within five months. 4dc later and eight years we divorced over his love of weed that was always his priority and eventually violence. Next boyfriend turned out to be an alcoholic. Next boyfriend was actually lovely but too young for any sort of commitment. Final boyfriend is the one in my post above.

Hi Blueburd. Firstly, you have been through a hell of a lot over the past year - and you are still managing to look after four Dcs. You need to give yourself a pat on the back for that.
None of this is your fault. You thought you'd found a nice man but that didn't work out - but you musn't beat yourself up about that - and you don't need him to feel better.
Have you been to your doc? Have you got anyone to help you?
XX

I want to hug you. I suspected from your post, especially the I feel alone part, and the I dont feel I deserve any support part, that you may have had this sort of background.

You are worthy of love and worthy of support. Everyone is.
It is easy for me to sit and write things, but not as easy for you to believe me when you have been through what you have been through.

Can I suggest to you that you work on your self esteem in the first instance?
There are threads on mumsnet that you can search for that and self help books on the subject.

I also think that you should forgive yourself. You know that you went down a path that wasnt you and didnt help you. Be kind to yourself about it.