I don't know how to help my DM

[ellawithaspecialnose]

She is severely depressed and with her anxiety through the roof. I'm having to guess at this, though, as she hasn't spoken to me since October after a small dispute and will only communicate by text. In my opinion, she's attributing all her 'pain and agony' to our disagreement, whereas I believe it was just the catalyst for this bout of depression. But I really don't know for sure and I can't talk to her to find out. I just don't know what the next step is. She is seeing noone and is in complete hibernation, and I imagine she's living on lots of processed foods and possibly putting on a lot of weight too. I want to do more to help, but she has given sarcastic replies to texts asking how she is. She is SO angry with me. She hasn't seen the DC (her only GC) for 4 months now - normally she would see them every 4-6 weeks. To be honest, I want to text and ask "Are you suicidal?" but I'm guessing this would not be a good idea? She has been hospitalised with depression in the past.

The second thing I want to ask here is, further down the line when (hopefully) she does recover, how much 'slack' I should give her in terms of talking about her problems? She has always brushed everything under the carpet and put on a cheerful appearance, trying not to burden others with her problems but, for example, there have been many occasions in the past when I have genuinely wondered if she was still alive, if I was unable to get hold of her for days. She's not the type of person you can just 'drop in on' - she didn't allow me in her last flat for 11 years ... but sometimes when I'm feeling exasperated with her (for which I then feel guilty! ), I think 'why shouldn't I tell her this? Or mention all the things that she wants to do in her life that she's called off at the last moment - things I could easily help her with but she refuses to let me.

There's a lot more background to this but I'd be really grateful for any opinions. I've never been depressed myself and just don't know what to do for the best.

Hmm. Did she realise you hadn't received the text? Was she cross you hadn't been at the new meetup location?

She sounds really very delicate, and unable to tolerate anything like criticism from you. If she is depressed and anxious, it's possible that she is far more critical of herself than you could ever be.

It was quite a convoluted situation, Cockney. She texted DH and he had forgotten to bring his phone out that day (which he totally takes responsibility for and admits was daft and absent-minded). He had to drive back to where he'd just dropped me off (told you it was complicated!) and get me to contact DM. I phoned and there was no answer (this was now 20 mins after the agreed pickup time). So I had to text, and it was another 5 mins before she replied to the text. To cut a long story short, the meetup didn't happen (she wasn't cross; she was going to be doing us a favour by looking after the DC for a couple of hours while DH and I were both at different things).

As I said before, I debated whether to even bring up the fact with her that texting at such short notice was not a good idea (especially when you follow that up with not answering a call either). I didn't say anything on the day it happened, other than to apologise for DH not having his phone. But the next day she texted and said "I hope you're not blaming yourselves, you couldn't have know I was going to be out" so I took the opportunity to gently mention that it "wasn't too helpful" that she changed the meetup place at such late notice. And that's when it all went pear-shaped.

Sorry for the essay! There's more surrounding it but those are the basics ...

Is it possible she didn't want to help out with your kids? Is she ok with them?

Texts just aren't 100% reliable. You don't know for sure if they've been delivered.

Sorry for delay, was doing weekend things ... she's great with the kids, endlessly patient (far more than me), doesn't use threats/bribes/anything like that, and I remember her saying once "It's all I want to do" about looking after the kids. So it wasn't that - however, I suspect she was probably dreading the thought of sitting in the car with DH during the drive home and having to make conversation with him (though the DC would have been there too, so that would have diluted it for her). I don't think she'd have deliberately sabotaged the meeting (though I have considered this).

I have told her that about the reliability of texts, yes, but she still seems utterly outraged that "despite my distress, you were still saying it was unreasonable to text at 10 mins' notice". I'm really not sure what she wants from me - does she want me to say "I'm so sorry, you were right all along, it's perfectly fine to send a text like that"?!?! Clearly I can't do that ...

I wonder, whether from her point of view, that she "left you off the hook" at the beginning which was a big thing for her. And then you mentioned about it not being helpful about changing the meetup place.
So from her warped point of view, she was already being magnanimous, and then you went and said what you said.

I'm sorry, Honey, I don't quite get what you mean - 'let me off the hook' in what way? Sorry for being dim!

I hope you're not blaming yourselves, you couldn't have know I was going to be out

She may have thought that she was being very nice in saying that. ie she thinks of the whole thing as being your fault from start to finish.
[not sure I am making things any clearer].

Ah, I see what you mean. Hm. I think she just thought the whole thing was an unfortunate mess-up, until I came out with what, to her, was a huge unjustified criticism and laying-of-blame ...

With someone who isn't so delicate, it's possible to say 'next time, could you ...' (e.g. 'call instead of text' - that way she would get ahold of your DH, or you). Or 'I wonder, what would it be like if you ...', maybe?

It sounds as if this sort of chaos (and the associated inability to have a proper conversation about what went wrong) may just be something you put up with, with your mum. I don't think there's a way to fix it.

Thanks, Cockney, this is exactly what I said to her in my letter - something like "maybe I should have said 'next time, could you call rather than text when it's short notice'" - so I hope something like that might sink in with her at some level.

Yesterday afternoon two police officers came to the door - I could see them pull up, get out of the car and as they walked up the garden path, I just knew that they were going to tell me my mother was dead. (And I'm not a melodramatic, hysterical person by any means - am v level-headed, normally.) I can't tell you the relief to find out I was 'only' going to be charged with careless driving . Stupid, stupid me. I know it was only a few seconds until they told me, but it took me a good 10 or 15 mins for me to calm down, for my heart to stop racing and to stop shaking. It really was an awful feeling. This is the kind of thing that I sometimes get angry about and think "Why the hell shouldn't I tell her things like this - that this is the way she makes me feel? Why shouldn't I tell her that I've sought help from a counsellor about her, and am now seeking advice from strangers on the internet??" But I can't, can I?

I contacted Saneline the other day and am just waiting for a reply now, thanks.

I think 'I wonder' is a safer formulation than 'next time'. I think with most people 'Next time, could you' is polite enough, but for really delicate folks, 'I wonder' is safer. Something like, for next time (see, I know you're not delicate!): "I wonder what would happen if you phoned us instead of texting".

No, you can't tell her. There's no point in telling her. She isn't ready to know. It will just make her worse. :flowers:

I hope Saneline have been in touch. You sound like you could do with some advice from people who know more about this stuff than I do.

I really appreciate your patience and kindness, Cockney - I know I'm rambling a bit and just sort of offloading. Thanks for listening. Using 'I wonder' like you suggest is just exactly the sort of way my DM would talk herself - it's uncanny! You're quite right, of course. When she did used to actually talk to me on the phone she would start every phone call with "It's nothing urgent/nothing to worry about!" as if I would automatically be expecting every phone call I receive to be bad news. It irritated me, though I know I shouldn't have looked at it that way.

She's now told me that she'll open my letter (and another much shorter one that I sent at the end of October and had no idea she hadn't opened either!) 'in the next few days'. I really feel devastated for her and this total inertia/fear which is rendering her incapable of doing anything at all. At the same time, I still want to scream "Just open the fucking letters, for god's sake!" But of course I won't, so I'll scream it here instead.

I've not heard from Saneline yet, but I'm quite sure they (rightly) don't see me as a priority, as I'm just a co-dependent or whatever you call it (sorry if that's not the right word!)

Ella, this is a safe place to offload.

It's interesting that she uses the 'I wonder' formulation. It does sound like she is, in her way, aware of other people's feelings, and the impact she might have on them.

I don't think Saneline would call you a co-dependent - that implies that you are part of the problem, and without you, the problem wouldn't exist. I hope they have got back to you now?