Going back to the way I was

[ARICONN]

I've was diagnosed with PND after the birth of my DS 2 years ago. I was fine after the birth of my DD 7 years ago but after DS it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Before I went to the doctors I had extreme self loathing. Nothing I did was good enough. It got so bad I decided that my children and my DH would be better off and have a much more fulfilling life if I wasn't there. I would spend days crying, not being able to stop even when my (then) 5 yo DD would cuddleme and ask if I was ok. How selfish is that?!

Once the ball got rolling and I was prescribed citalopram, sent to a psychologist etc I felt the black clouds eventually lift.

It was wonderful!

However I still have periods (days, sometimes weeks) of seemingly coming to the realisation that, in actual fact, I AM stupid, selfish and will ultimately ruin my children's life. I hate these periods. After them I can see them for what they are but when I'm in them it's like THAT feeling was the sensible one, if you see what I mean?!

I just want to go back to who I was. I wasn't anything special or talented but I was ME! I knew who I was and was proud of the human being Iwas.

Does this shitty bloody feeling ever go away?

Are you still taking the meds? If you are having depressive periods then you need to speak to your doc. It's horrible isn't it, when you're in that state where you're convinced you're the worst person in the world and you can't pull yourself out of it. Please ask for help, you deserve it.

Thank you for replying, yes am still on the meds but can't face maybe upping my dosage. I want to be me again not this angry tired wreck of a woman. I'm angry at myself that I can't shake myself out of it and be the person everyone expects me to be.

I had to try many different medication combinations before finding one that works for me, some people are just unlucky that way. You are ill, you wouldn't expect to shake yourself out of diabetes or a broken leg would you? You can't just decide to walk away from depression either. Don't be so hard on yourself and speak to your doc.

Thanks for listening :)