IVF mum feeling guilty about feeling low

[melanies]

Hi,

I'm hoping to find anyone else out there who is in the same situation as me. My dd is 8 months old and was conceived by IVF. I love her more than anything in the world but am having a tough time at the moment and feeling really low because we are having a few bad sleep nights. Feeling like this makes me feel guilty because I am so lucky to have her after going through so much, and then the guilt makes me feel even worse.

Anyone else have the same problems?

Ooh yes.....
I had my son thanks to IVF too.
I think every mother feels like this sometimes, and don't forget, once the baby is born, you are not exempted from all those feelings just because you went through IVF. Raising a child is hard and for lots of us it's an emotionally raw experience.
Above all, don't underestimate how bad sleep deprivation can make you feel. It's torture. Once the sleep is sorted out, you'll feel a lot better. xx
(And if not, come back here and moan to us lot. Lots of help here.)

Thanks for your support. I'm due to return to work soon and the thought of that on top of the sleepless nights is not a nice prospect, especially as I've no idea what is causing the night waking! Then we are also signed up to undergo more IVF in another couple of months time, because we need to do it earlier rather than later due to my age, if we want to try again.

So I'm feeling like a terrible mother, because I can't cope with a few sleepless nights and thinking why the hell am I wanting to put myself through all this again!? But I desperately do want another one.

Need to just give myself a good talking to and then get on with it really!!

None of that sounds abnormal! I find as time goes on, if we have a couple of sleepless nights, I am a wreck. I think we're set up to cope in the early months and then lose the ability, tbh. Have you tried anything to get your dd back sleeping through? If you start a thread you'll get lots of advice. (My ds is 2.7 now and I've forgotten what 8m is like, but we did do a bastardised version of controlled crying round about that age, I think.)

Going back to work brings up a whole load of emotions as well. Are you going ft or pt? Are you happy with childcare? I went back at 9m and ds barely noticed...We were lucky in that he didn't have a clingy phase at all.

And more IVF...well, I've just done a cycle, and it's hard. We got lucky first go, so did our successful cycle with no children to look after and no negatives behind us. It's hard, but do-able. I had hypnotherapy this time to help me through it and it was wonderful. (Having another go in late autumn, most likely.)

My HV told me apparently women with fertility probs are more likely to get PND. You feel as though you should be delighted every minute of the day to have your baby and feel guilty if you don't or if you have negative thoughts.

I didn't have IVF but took a long time to conceive dd then got PND. I felt so guilty at not feeling deleriously happy to have my longed for baby that I found it very difficult to discuss how I was feeling. It does get better, now she is 17 months and a total joy .

liath, I didn't know that. It makes a lot of sense...
I just think 'life with a baby' and 'deliriously happy every minute of every day' don't go together!
'Life with a baby' and 'so knackered and vulnerable and depleted that I can't see straight but with flashes of deliriously happy' sounds much more like it to me...

LOL, yes - that's more like it! I just have an overdeveloped Guilt Gland!

Thanks MrsBadcrumble. Am feeling much better already hearing from someone else going through the same things.

No idea what is causing the night waking - could be teeth as first 2 are just through, but also planning to keep a diary of eating and nap times for a couple of days to see if there is a pattern as it is a bit sporadic at the mo. Think you are so right about the expecting it in early days. She slept through the night from about 2.5 months so it is coming as a shock to the system now!

The going back to work is a worry but I don't want to not go back either, if that makes sense. She is clingly so it will be difficult, but I am happy that it will be better for her in the long run and I have thankfully been allowed to return pt which will help.

Your advice about hypnotherapy is great - will definitiely think about trying that. We were also lucky first time and I keep thinking about how fit and healthy we were, eating only organic meat and vegetables etc and how different our lifestyle is now (dinner made and eaten as quickly as poss to try and get some sleep!). However, we can only try and see what happens.

The very best of luck with your cycle in the autumn - I really hope it works out for you.

Bet it's teething. I didn't do it too often, but if ds was screaming in the night (or indeed, in the day) and I had ruled out everything else, I just gave him some calpol. One dose sorted him out in 20mins. Some people don't like doing that and I wouldn't do it every day, but it works.

I understand about work. It feels weird going abck, it's like you're a different person now, but it sorts itself out, generally.

Wishing you luck too. I always feel that if you do the eating well/no caffeine/no drinking thing, at least for the last bit, you are giving it all the best chance and can't feel too guilty. xx

hi there
I am not in your position but a very good friend of mine had IVF twins. She was warned that people who concieve via IVF are actually at higher risk for PND (they watched her very carefully, especially as she had twins), and I know she often feels guilty if she gets fed up. She's since had another baby (frozen embryo from the original collection implanted) and felt very up and down about the whole thing and then guilty if she didn't always feel ecstatic about baby no.3 and worried about the practicalities etc.

I think the important thing to remember is you are a mother like every other mother, whether it's as a result of IVF or not, and therefore entitled to feel the same as every other mother - which often includes being totally and utterly fed up!

All 3 of my IVF's failed so I ought to be the last person you want to hear from but to be honest there's no such thing as an IVF mum or an adoptive mum or a birth mum when it comes to sleeplessness, there's only spleep deprived mum's!

I'm adopting and post adoption depression is very common (about 65%) partly becasue you've worked so hard to get there that you expect motherhood to be all fluffy and lovely and to be too grateful to feel any normal emotion like tiredness or stress.

Bollocks to that, give yourself a break (literally if you can!) - no helpful advice there from me but good luck anyway!

which is pretty much what MrsJC said only with more spelling mistakes!

ooh and I meant to say a mum by any other means (adoption, IVF whatever) too just as sue did!

and you know depriving people of sleep is a recognised form of torture? It really is gruesome. I couldn't be doing with at all, it was easily the toughest thing

Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to find time to respond again, but I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their support - particularly suejonez after all that you have been through I particularly appreciate your comment! Good luck with your adoption.

And also for those who commented about PND being more common for those who have had fertility problems. That makes a lot of sense too.

I have suffered from depression in the past and was so glad that I didn't suffer from PND after dd was born, because had thought that I might do.

Through talking with you guys have now realised (and don't think I had realised before starting this discussion!) that the thing that is really worrying me is the prospect of returning to work (albeit pt) and starting another course of treatment within a couple of months of returning. That on top of dd not sleeping and we don't know how long that will continue. I can see that I have a really tough couple of months coming up and I'm scared!!

I've maybe started this discussion in the wrong area(!), but I would be interested to hear from any other mums who have been through the fertility treatment with one child already and how difficult it was / what helped?

I went through IVF a few months ago and we have a DS (4.5). It wasn't too bad really, but it was old enough to explain a bit of it, "mummy has to go to the hospital to see if the doctors can help her have a baby" etc. I'm not sure it was any harder than doing it without a child since the main horrible bit about IVF was the pyschological stress. It made it a bit worse because I so wanted a sibling for DS but it was OK.

It's perfectly normal to feel low when you're tired. My DS was a nightmare sleeper and didn't sleep through the night properly until he was one year old. Try to be kind to yourself, get some early nights and see if there is anyway you could have a couple of hours off every now and then.

Thank you Melanies, kind of you to say thanks - waiting for the adoption may yet drive me to insanity but in the meantime its nice to know that my IVF's had some minor positive benefit!

Good luck with No 2