Depression, Anxiety, what is going on.

[madchocolatemum48]

I don't even know where to start really. I have all these emotions, feelings that I can't put a name too. I feel as though my chest will explode with the actual physical-ness of how I feel.
I am worried about everything all the time. Something happening to the kids, me, dh. I can't stop the worst case scenario thing.
I am not happy where we are living (abroad), have no friends, family- Dh works away,(3weeks this time) I am completely alone. I sometimes don't speak to another grown up for a week at a time.
I have always been a coper but I feel defeated at the moment. I keep telling myself that this time next week, month, year things will be different as we are moving.
I know I am not coping AT ALL. I have no enthusiasm for anything, which makes me feel incredibly guilty with the kids.
Do I go to the doctor, I can't do therapy in this language, I'm not that proficient yet. Do I ask for medication to get me through.
I haven't told dh how I feel, even though I do cry a lot and he knows I hate it here. He has to work so I don't burden him. I am just feeling a little scared at the moment that I haven't hit the bottom yet. I don't know which switch to flick the light back on.

Your circumstances sound horrid poster madchocolatemum48, no wonder you're feeling depressed. Meds will obviously not change the circumstances but might take the edge off. Therapy would be better, have you tried to find an English speaking therapist? How about regular contact with friends and family at home via email, SKYPE etc?

I have slowly lost contact with a lot of friends. Not intentionally but I have absolutely nothing to talk about. All they want to talk about is how fantastic it must be for me, I can't hold the pretense anymore. It is too much hard work being jolly.
I haven't even thought as far as finding an English speaking therapist as I will initially have to go through this countries system first.
I know the light is at the end of the tunnel, it's just really blurred around the edges.
When dh is here it is bearable, but the loneliness when he is gone is slowly tearing me apart. I hate being so weak and dependent which makes me feel even worse that I'm not coping. I am soooooo not this person, but I can't seem to find the strength.

Please feel free to contact me privately, if you are able to. I have been going through the same thing. The majority of the summer holidays I let the boys play xbox so I could sit in my bedroom, feeling hopeless or crying. Everything was horrible and I felt alone. I was in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend and spent the time he was at home just waiting for him to come back. I was so bad one week, that I rung my dad and asked him through sobs if he and mum could have the boys for a few days because I needed a break, I was finding everything so difficult and that made me feel worse. I was determined not to take meds all this time. I told the school we had a family emergency, I wasn't lying, they had 2 days off school. To this day I dot know whether I would have arranged alternative more permanent care for the kids, like with their dad, or simply taken an overdose. I felt like I could have just walked down the street an never returned. My boyfriend called 5 minutes after speaking to my dad and I was crying and I told him the boys were going to my dads. I had planned on not telling him, but he phoned at a moment when I couldn't hide it. He came over and took me out and helped me tidy up a bit. 2 days later I found out I was pregnant and was devastated as I felt even more trapped in my life. I had made a scopes appointment, but instead of asking for anti depressants I just told him I was pregnant. My boyfriend then decided we should move and although the doctor offered me mess I refused as I figured I was moving house and in with my oh, right out of the area into a much nicer place and would no longer be depressed and would have the energy to do the things a mum should do. I moved over a month ago, I don't feel as bad, I don't feel like I wish I wasn't alive but I still cry most days, still have no self esteem, still feel guilty because I haven't managed to keep everything clean and tidy like I planned. House is a tip, half unpacked and kids still play more Xbox than I would like. But I do feel better, I do more with the kids. Do their homework most days as opposed to almost never before, and do more housework and cooking. But I have realised, a change is as good as a rest, but I was a fool to not take the meds as I could have prevented things getting so hideous and I am due to go to the doctors Friday and go on the anti depressants because life cannot go on like this anymore. Please take the pills and find someone to talk to. Talk to your oh because your health and mental health is very very important, you are mum and you need to be looked after so you can look after your family. If big changes need to be made to enable you ALL to be happy than so be it. Sorry it's so long x

Can you pick a friend or family member who you think will be sympathetic and send him/her an honest, heartfelt email about how you are feeling? You need support, you need to tell someone who will care that things are really not going well. It's ok to ask for that.

I would love to pour my heart out to someone but at the end of the day what can they do. Then every time I would talk to them it would be same conversation about how I was coping.
I need support here which I don't have.
I am trying to keep focused on the future and not on exactly whats happening now but it takes so much energy I don't have.
I have been reading other threads and I feel less alone in my loneliness, if that makes sense. Knowing that other people are going through similar emotional crises too. Even if I'm physically alone here, hopefully I can get some emotional support and strength from others.

Awww, (((un-MNy hugs))) OP.

I've felt like that at times (including quite recently). It seems to be when I'm feeling out of control and that my life is unmanageable.

It often helps if I focus on one thing I can control, such as booking a holiday, house-hunting, making travel arrangements etc, or even just making a hair appointment for a new cut, buying new curtains for my bedroom etc.

Is there anything you could take charge of right now, and do, that would give you a boost and give you back a slight feeling of being in control of your own life?