Hi, I'm 21, a student and looking for some relationship advice. I thought I would turn to this because I feel I need advice from people with a bit of life experience rather than people my own age. I hope you don't mind (if you manage to get to the end!). I have posted this in relationships as well but wondered if people with experience of mental health could help. Sorry if this board is for people with more serious problems.
I had a relationship with a man that started this time last year. We worked for the same company but on different sites, met at a group Christmas party, hit it off immediately and fell quickly in love. He was 26 and I was his first girlfriend. He had no previous experience with women at all, had never even been on a date before. I knew this from other people we work with as he has worked there since he was 18. He spends hours working out in the gym to get a beautiful body, is exceptionally charismatic in social circumstances but painfully shy when anyone tries to get to know him. He was exceptionally scared of having sex for the first time and claimed that he had never done it before because it had never felt right before. He assured me that he wanted to and enjoyed it when we did (on his instigation).
It was a bit of a whirlwind romance and we really connected over a shared pain; I was watching both my Grandad's lose their fights with cancer and he had recently watched his Mum overcome breast cancer but lost his Grandad to cancer a few months later. We had a shared love of the gym, made each other laugh, told each other everything and everyone told us how well suited we were and how much he had come out of his shell and seemed happier for meeting me. He was always exceptionally gentle and caring though sometimes came across as nervous in his first relationship. At first I couldn't believe my luck, everything just seemed to click.
I was having a hard time with my university work and family circumstances and initially he made attempts to support me with this. But it eventually became apparent that I had a mental health problem and suffered several episodes of pyschosis induced by stress (I work a full time job on top of my degree and family issues). We had only been together 6 months at this point and within two weeks he had gone from assuring me he would stand by me and help me to him telling me he was seeing someone else and leaving. We barely saw each other for 4 months as I tried to recover from my mental health problems and also loosing both of my Grandad's within a month. When we did see each other (same gym, work) we either said hi briefly or ignored each other.
Then I was moved to his site at work and we had to work together a lot. For several weeks he was just downright rude to me until I raised the issue at which point he was horrified that he had come across this way, absolutely mortified and assured me that he would make an serious effort to build a good working relationship and possibly friendship. We started going for coffee, regular texting and getting on just as we had in the early days of our relationship. After him constantly assuring me that we were a work in progress and making a real effort I brought up that I still had feelings for him and instigated a conversation about where we were going with this? He said he just wanted to be friends which I accepted although it was a very strained conversation.
Since that point his behaviour has been completely bizarre. He is having both personal issues and work issues. He has been confiding in me on these but tells me half a story, not the full story. I ask how he is and am met with anger and "I don't want you to care", yet the next day he is crying down the phone at me. Another time he accused me of taking his phone and reading messages on it (ridiculous as our phones get locked away at work). I pushed him on this as it was obviously completely fabricated and he dissolved into tears and apologies at what a horrible thing to do this was and said it was because he had been under exceptional pressure at work. His words were "it made me lose all sense of rationality". He would cry down the phone at me one day, then deny we'd even spoken the next. He told me his Mum was being retested for cancer but when I asked about he test result he asked me "why should I care?" (his Mum also works in the same place and I think she's lovely, of course I care!). One night (when we were still in the relationship) he woke me sobbing in the middle of the night, shaking, crying uncontrollably. He still lives with his parents so I got his Mum to help me calm him down. The next morning he denied any of it had happened. There are many similar incidences of seeming to want some serious support but within hours completely rejecting or denying this. One night he text me to say that he wanted things to be okay but he felt that he had to be superman all the time and could never show any weakness and that was why he acted the way he does. That he was trying to hold it all together, then would lose it and dissolve into tears on me and then find the strength to put on the act again and try and push me away again. The vulnerable side seems to be the 'real' himHe has no other real friends and seems to spend all his time trying to deny that he is a very gentle, emotional person and putting on a 'hardman' act. When I do not treat him if he is said 'hardman', he begins to ignore me or gets cross with me, until he breaks down over something else.
He has been an exemplary employee at work for 8 years but has recently started breaking rules, making mistakes, slacking off and has now been moved to a different site under a 'development plan'. He assures me that he is devastated about this, but cannot change his behaviour. He seems to have an odd relationship with our mutual boss, he used to be exceptionally close to her and now he seems to really dislike her, which I wonder if is behind this.
For three years before we met he was gym obsessed; a strict diet and exercise regime to the extent I was concerned he has an eating disorder. Now we've split this has been ditched (apart from the gym routine). It has been replaced by going out clubbing with 18 year olds several nights a week, but he does not drink alcohol. He chats to and flirts with loads of girls but repeatedly assures me that he would never sleep with any of them.
So I would like some opinions please? Do I give up on him? His actions seem consistent with someone who has intimacy problems or is deeply troubled? Do I continue to try and be his friend until he is ready to sort himself out? Does he really have problems or is he just treating me appallingly? Our boss has said she thinks he's having some kind of break down. I want to help him, but is this even possible? Having had a mental health problem myself, I am exceptionally worried that he is having one too!
Does this sound like a recognisable mental health condition? I have also considered that he could have been sexually abused or is taking drugs?