So depressed. First time I have ever thought about ending it. Makes so much sense now

[Fifyfomum]

My life is a mess

my husband doesn't fancy me and I can't blame him for it

I used to love playing the guitar and I used to go to open mic nights. One night he came along and he stood in the corner and he looked so embarrassed that he was there with me

I've not played out since

I used to play every night for a while, while he smoked his cigarettes but he has stopped smoking and I feel suffocated

I can't play the guitar anymore I feel like anything I do he is watching me

I have no confidence and I just think if I weren't here that my kids could have an amazing step mum and much less hassle in their lives

They are young enough to adapt.

I hate myself, I dream of meeting someone who finds me attractive sometimes that I will get swept off my feet but I know that is irrational and anyway, I am married

I dream that someone will like me playing the guitar and singing and that I won't feel unable to do it anymore.

I've decided I will not play the guitar anymore, I used to only do it when my husband was out of the room but now I don't have any time on my own.

It sounds really trivial but it was a little bit of 'me' and now it's gone. Forever.

What is next?

If your husband can't see what a talent you have in playing the guitar then he is an idiot.

You need help. Wanting to end your life because your husband doesn't like your playing isn't right.

Call the doctor. Your children need you.

Next is the big step of seeing a doctor. The first step is the hardest but gets you on the right path.
This morning on the train I realised I could not get off at my stop, just keep going and dissappear. Then I fantasised about dying and my funeral. When you are in the big, deep Black void, it feels like there is no light, no hope. Everything is just words, life is like swimming through tar.
But there is light, there is a surface. It's bloody hard work getting there but so worth it. I'm going to the doctor on Wednesday.
You can do it. One foot in front of the other, you will get there.
We are all here for you, we want you to get better and hear and see you playing on YouTube. xxxxx

See a GP and get some help. It's your illness telling you these things and you can get enjoyment out of doing the things you love again. It's hard but it is worth it.

Your kids will not ever get over losing their mum , no matter how young they are. Please get help, you deserve more than this .

I feel a lot better today.

I think a lot of it is hormones, they just ravish me and leave me finding it really hard to deal with everything.

I've seen doctors, nothing they can do except put me on tablets that cause me more problems. I still get the sharp hormonal spikes every month and they are just exhausting.

They can't offer me counselling, I've tried that route.

I really dont know what to do about it.

It sounds like you need time to yourself, to reconnect with who you are now. Also, time with your husband. Are either of these things possible - do you get any child free time?

I do get some child free time but I am usually studying, working or cleaning during it.

It's a difficult part of life right now. Not much money, not much time

It's so hard to make time for yourself when you have other things to do and people to look after, isn't it? That's one of the reasons that I'm depressed too. Plus, the depression takes away the enjoyment that you used to get from doing things.

Is your husband supportive or understanding? Do you have any friends or family that would listen to you without judging you?

What about some self help books or an online course if you can't get counselling through the GP? Is that something that might work for you?

I found acupuncture really helpful for bad pmt years ago. That might help if you could afford it.

Evening primrose oil helped a bit too.

My sister found that exercise helped her.

Avoiding sugar and 'white' carbs can help too.

Have you spoken to your DH about your guitar playing? It may be that in fact he enjoys hearing you play, but your illness is making you think paranoid thoughts.

Please don't stop doing the one thing you love, even if it turns out he's grumpy about it. We all need an outlet.

Please don't think that anyone would be better off without you. My sister took her life dramatically last October and it has torn our world apart. Literally. The family has split over it and we are each dealing with the shock and awe of it. I was 27 weeks pregnant at the time and am awaiting the start of labour as I type, my mum almost died from the shock of it all and this is just mentioning 2 of us.

My sister had no children but she has left behind a lot of traumatised nieces and nephews.

I'm not for one second trying to guilt trip you but just highlighting the reality of the suffering that lasts forever when somebody ends their life. Please get help.