apathy

[humanmagicmarker]

I feel like I'm sleepwalking through my life. I don't really enjoy anything anymore. My job's ok, I love my husband and my son, but I don't want to do anything except be by myself and read a book. I'm not looking forward to anything each day except the time I can be by myself in the late evening. I've researched apathy on the internet and it's just lots of 'perky' people telling you to change something about your life if you're not happy with it - but I'm not really 'unhappy' with anything, I'm going through the motions every day like a zombie. I can't stand playing pirates with my four year old, I count the time until he goes to bed and I can chill out, and I hate that, and feel like a bad mum (actually, I always have). I can't 'change' anything, I just feel like when everybody at work is saying 'yay, it's friday' i'm thinking 'what's the difference?' I feel like wherever I am I don't really want to be there.

Sorry for the rant, but does anyone else feel like this? I've had CBT for anxiety before and it did no good, I have valium but try not to take them. Please don't tell me I should see my GP, it's a waste of time. My husband is aware that I get 'down' sometimes, but is so used to it these days he just gives me a hug and carries on with what he was doing. I need some positive advice on what I can do for myself.

thank you for reading, I know I do go on sometimes...

I have no advice but you described exactly the way i feel. Days just drag on. All the same mundane things get done. Like you, I love my dh and our dc but i have no enthusiasm to do anything with them. I too look forward to time to myself and then feel incredibly guilty for feeling that way.

I describe myself as joyless. It's a horrible place to be.

Thank you so much for replying, I've felt so alone since I wrote this. People don't appear to realise that depression isn't just feeling bad because your life's terrible, it's also feeling down for no reason you can actually put your finger on! You keep quiet and get on with things cos you can't figure it out, feel like you're going nuts and also that if you say something everyone will think you're being over dramatic.

I could have written this.

For me it was like I was biding my time till I died.

I am currently having some emdr therapy which is helping.

It's no fun, no joy and it's hard to enjoy something. Even if I do go out somewhere, I'm always like, counting down till I can go home again.

You're certainly not alone in this.

What's EMDR, flower?

Yes, i feel like i'm biding my time until death, and i'm also scared of dying so that cause me anxiety. I get angry with myself for not making the most of my life but i can't snap out of it.

Wow unknown I could have written what you wrote. I feel flat and unhappy. I just crave being on my own and when I think about spending time with people makes me feel anxious.
I don't know how to stop feeling like this

I keep making appointments with the gp but I've always ended up cancelling them. I know i need to speak to someone but the thought of sitting with my gp trying to explain how i'm feeling fills me with dread. I find it difficult to admit how i'm really feeling.

I came on here to basically write exactly the same thing.

I feel so detached from my life, going through the motions but feeling nothing other than resentment at the demands on my time.

We were supposed to go shopping earlier, dc started whinging about something trivial, I just couldn't be arsed with it, so I took off my shoes and jacket, picked up a book and I'm now hiding in the bedroom.

Dh has taken them to supermarket now. Over the last couple of weeks he's noticed something is not right but I don't really know how to tell him I'm sick of the sight and sound of you all

Right now I'm sorely tempted to pack a bag and sod off somewhere warm and cosy and QUIET on my own.

emdr is Eye Movement Desensitisation and reprogramming or similar.

I go and see a therapist and while you are discussing something I hae a buzzer in each hand that moves from side to side and headphone with a beep and she moves her hands for me to follow with my eyes.

I have no idea how it works but all I know is that I come out feeling that something has shifted.

I felt how you describe-I really relate to counting the hours til dc bedtime, not wanting to play and just wanting to be by myself. All I can say is that I started on citalopram three months or so ago and this is one of the things I noticed slowly improving. I can't say I love playing shops all day, but I can make myself and get pleasure out of dd2's pleasure, iyswim. I also don't dread the end of nap time like I used to and bedtime is less panicky.

I've got a way to go, but I know I'm getting there because today I spent four hours with various combinations of my three dc and enjoyed it all (two lots of coffee and cake kind of helped too
I hope things get better for you, op, but do consider seeing gp for cbt, medication or both. It can improve.

Oh and I'd have written the "don't suggest the gp" line too-I was so anti medication and cbt had had a small effect only on how I felt, although it did give me coping strategies for it. But I'm so glad that the gp prescribed. Life is so, so different.

I don't want to bother the GP cos I've had therapy already and it hasnt worked, I feel like this would be going over old ground. I'm not anti medication but I think I've got my dad's mantra of 'stiff upper lip' in my head and I cant accept that it's got this bad and cant bring myself to even tell my DH that it's got this bad, let alone a doctor. It kinda makes things real, you see? I was brought up to brush emotions under the carpet, and whilst I accept that's wrong, I don't want to be seen as weak. I think I'm doing a good job of this with my son, he told me the other day " only children cry, mummy, grown ups dont cry". How little he knows, eh? I thought about calling the samaritains but just discovered my sister in law has started volunteering for them so I cant do that now, in case i get HER!! And she was talking with my DH about the callers the other day, and they were laughing about how some of the callers just need to pull themselves together and get on with life. So I feel even more now that I need to just carry on and not admit to him how I really feel. any tips?

Many sentiments on this thread rings bells with me. I've just started ADs but it's been 4mths since I first went to the dr. I needed that time for me to accept that I should try them, & spent years before that of just trudging through life. I finally felt that I should try them as I was not getting any enjoyment from my kids, just as described on this thread. I feel awful that I've wasted what should be the most important & precious time in my life without feeling any joy or pleasure from it. I almost don't want to change because then it will mean I messed up not sorting it out earlier.

But I also feel that ADs will mask the problem rather than solve it?

Honestly-the ad's have been life changing for me. I'm still me, regrettably with all the faults, but I can get on with stuff and find the joy. I don't bounce out of bed every morning and my children still watch too much telly, but things we do feel less like wading through treacle and, for example, a class assembly feels like a treat not a chore.

I spent years thinking I should be strong and manage without drugs, but I am glad I have them on board now. I can't and wouldn't tell you what to do, but you sound so like me a few months ago, op. My gp was nothing but supportive and actually relieved that I'd finally accepted ads might be the answer.
You do not have to live like this.

Oh, and cbt or other therapy can still go on alongside meds.

In my case I've been prescribed ADs to start with then when feeling more with it I'll try CBT & psychotherapy. This has been via a psychiatrist. I was not happy just taking the ADs via my GP. If you ask for a referral there is plenty of opportunity to ask those sort of questions(ie will ADs just mask an underlying issue).