I don't know how to stop (SH)

[Koalagone]

I've recently started self-harming again. Its not the first time in my life that I've done it, but something is different this time. I don't know how to stop. The other periods I've had, I've always felt like I was in control and I could stop at any time (even if it wasn't exactly true) ... But not this time. I'm really aware I'm not in control of this any more. I'm even locking myself in the bathroom at work to do it. I feel so out of control, it grounds me temporarily but longterm I know it's not helping anymore.

I'm terrified DH will find out how bad it is, if he told my employer I'd probably be forced to take leave and getting out of the house and away from DS and feeling like a failure as a mum is the only thing that is keeping me from going completely out of my mind. I feel like the walls are closing in on me and there's no way I can escape or get out of this. SH seems to be the only thing that helps even for a little while, but I know it's just something else I have to hide from everyone.

Please do not be ashamed by how you feel or what you do, self harming is more common than people realise. It sounds as though you are in a scary place right now and you need support to deal with your feelings. I would suggest making an appointment with your gp, he/she should be able to help you access counselling and any support groups in your area.

What has triggered this behaviour? Can you identify anything that has happened recently?

I would if I were you try to talk to someone close, your dp or a good friend and I mean really talk. Do not worry about letting someone know the darkness that you are in at the moment. Be honest with them and yourself, try to verbalise your pain/anger/frustration. It doesn't matter if you end up a sobbing heap on the kitchen floor just having someone bare witness often is liberating and can be comforting especially when that confident can hold you and help contain your pain by listening.

Make sure that any injuries are taken care of properly, you do not want them to go septic.

Please seek help, you do not have to go though this alone.

I'm sure others in similar place will be along to offer you support and sound advise.

A big hug for you

I have PND, my DS is 9 months old and I thought I'd turned a corner with bonding over the holidays, but everything is just much worse now. Even at work, it seems like everything I do is wrong, if I say I don't want to go to a conference because of DS I'm not pulling my weight but if I go, or work late, they all talk about the poor little boy who never sees his mummy. Most of the time I can avoid hearing them talk about me, but when I do, it stings.

I know I should tell DH or my GP, I'm just scared of their reactions. The worst case scenarios play over and over again in my head and I can't seem to rationalise them with the support I'd be more likely to get. I've never been in this deep before and it feels like harming at work has crossed a horrible line that means it won't be something I can keep private once I've told someone. I want to ask DH if his MIL would consider coming here (She lives in his home country) for a holiday, I could maybe see her as being the easiest to tell but it seems so selfish to drag her here to just unleash what a total mess I am on her.

Does your mil work? If not then I am sure she would jump at the chance to see you, her son and grandson, so why not ask? You could alwYs let your dh know some of how you are feeling, even if you feel at the start you are unsure of telling him the extent that things are effecting you. Maybe start by letting him know how you feel about work and how you feel that you are being treated? It would be a start. Is he approachable about such things? Surely he would rather you talk than to keep it inside of you?

Once you have communicated with him is he likely to be supportive and help you to gain further help from your gp?

I really urge you to try to get enrolled into some type of counselling, as this will help you to understand your situation better and to help you gain insight and practical less damaging ways of coping with situations.

Alternatively if you can afford it (some therapists work on a sliding scale for fees) you may find a therapist without going through your gp by looking up who is in your area by visiting BACP online.

Am I right in thinking that you currently self harm at work and not at home? If you are then I would suggest going to gp and getting aimed off sick for work related stress this giving you some time to address your concerns and issues.

I hope that you are being kind to yourself and taking one day at a time.

DH is approachable and I know he'd be supportive. I don't know why I'm so scared to tell him, maybe because I know once I tell him that I can't take it back and I'll have to admit out loud that it's out of control. Which is silly because I can write it down, but telling him somehow seems like a much bigger thing. I'm also worried that he'll be upset.

I harm mostly at work, I think because it's easier to hide it from DH that way.

I know I need to go to see my GP and try and access counselling. I have to tell DH first though, and that seems like a huge mountain at the moment, silly as it sounds. I think I might try and see what he thinks about MIL coming to visit first, she doesn't work so perhaps she will be eager to come.

Thank you for the support, it helps being able to write it out, makes it clearer.

Hi, how are you feeling today? I hope that you are feeling better and are getting nearer to talking with someone irl.

I can empathise with your feelings of once something is said it can not be unsaid and it can be frightening talking about your feelings as there is always that thought of what if I just break down in front of this person? What will they think of me? Etc. but how about writing it all down in a letter? You can say in a letter how you are worried about his reaction to your self harming, how you understand this is your fear and not based on actual 'reality' as you have not told him yet (does he know of your historic use of this coping mechanism?).

If you were a friend irl I would be urging you to write down also your action plan so that you can share this with him also, eg how you plan to get help for this (gp/counselling), how you will broach the subject with others (mil) for support, this will demonstrate to him that you are a) not expecting him do all of the 'work' with you (that can be daunting), b) that you are serious in your wish to stop. Also maybe some ideas that he could do to help you.

You may find it helpful to join a group/forum that is specifically designed to support and help people with self harm issues. I am aware that the mental health forum here on mn can be quieter than the rest of the site and I feel that you could benefit from more input from other people in similar situations to yourself.

I haven't looked at your posting history but you may also find that joining in with other threads (and linking them to this one) may help others to come here and offer advise.

Ps are you on any meds for pnd? If so you may need to have them reviewed.

Here are some online support sites with forums....

www.nshn.co.uk

www.priorygroup.com/self-harm-help_d1s1?gclid=CJe5jq2BnrwCFdShtAodbUMAhQ

www.harmless.org.uk

....they also have physical support groups and people trained to help.

I have to take leave from work. It's been two days and I'm already climbing the walls, DH keeps leaving me alone with DS and I feel like I'm going crazy. I spent two hours yesterday just walking round the park with him, I didn't even interact with him. I can't do it. I don't know how to be a mother, DH and everyone seem to think that if I just bond with DS it will all be okay.

I would never hurt DS but I just feel so trapped with him. DH has gone out again and I've just dumped DS in front of veggie tales after his breakfast. DH would be furious if he knew, he's all hot on not using TV as a babysitter but I can't think of anything else.

I just keep thinking how much better it would be for DS if I wasn't here anymore. He could just have his daddy and his godmother, and he'd be so happy being loved and adored by them with out the strange woman with fake smiles who dumps him in front of TV and doesn't realise that he's not frightened of the big dog in the park, he sees it all the time and squeals and waves to say hello. He deserves better than me.