How can I help my DH!Any MH professionals out there?!

[JJenson]

Husband has a history of chaotic childhood, moving around to different countries a lot, never being able to make friends, abuse/neglect, abandonment issues, sent to boarding school where he had to look after his very upset sibling constantly for 2 years, and was bullied badly by a teacher, and before I had a string of abusive relationships at both work and romantically.

I think he's psychologically damaged from childhood definitely, but I don't know what I can do about this when he often tries to mask it even to himself.

I'm at my wits end, he treats me very well but is basically a very broken person. He's in counselling and on mood stablilisers but still displays very broken behavior.

Is it possible I could see a therapist on his behalf? To see how I can help him?That sounds mad even as I write it down. I don't think he's totally honest with his therapist. He'll tell her he's doing fine, when his behaviour at home says otherwise.

He seems to be scared of admitting that his past affects him, denies it sometimes, openly gets upset about it others.He's very sensitive and emotional. And treats me like a princess.

If anybody can recommend anything I can do at all, I will be very grateful. I want to see him settled and happy more than anything. I also do not want to transform into 'carer' rather than 'wife'!

I'm a trainee psychotherapist myself so I feel pretty ashamed that I haven't been able to help him. I hope I'm not drip feeding, I cannot think of anything else I can put at this moment though.

If your dh is receiving help from the NHS then you have the right to ask for a carer's assessment. This should be a platform for you to say you need talking therapy to help your dh. This is done either by an appointed charity or adult social care depending on how your area funds it. Though if you are training in psychotherapy yourself do you not already have to pay for yourself for treatment to qualify? If so could you use those sessions with a counsellor you already know?

I hate to sound pessimistic but after such a traumatic childhood your husband is going to carry the emotional scars to a greater or lesser extent for the rest of his life. We all carry things (good or bad) from our childhood as I'm sure you know, and how we function as adults is dependent on so many things - so many variables.

I wonder what you mean when you described his behaviour as "broken" I am sure that it is far too painful for him to make conscious links with his childhood trauma and the person he is today. I'm wondering why you can't have joint therapy, as you are in need of help and support (as you have pointed out) too, so it doesn't make any sense for your husband to be having individual therapy.

As SS has said you will have already accessed therapy for yourself, as part of your training in psychotherapy and I assume you would want to talk about your husband's problems and your reaction in that therapy as it is a big part of your life.

However it seems very disjointed to me for you to be having individual therapy and think the best solution is joint therapy. Is this not possible?

Thank you for the replies. SilverStars do I ask for that at the GP? I'll look it up on the internet now anyway.
Yes I have to pay for my treatment to qualify, but it hasn't began as yet. Also I wonder how I'd broach it? 'Hi I'm here to talk about somebody else' ? :)

nana you don't sound pessimistic, don't worry-realistic maybe! I want to get him to the best he can be. I was thinking about the Dave Pelzar books and how he seems to have been able to eventually use his experiences positively although I'm sure he still has his moments.
I think DH has made associations, I've 'made him' do that very gently. The thing is he's repeated the pattern into later life, before me allowing others to abuse him, and developing bad habits that are now smothering him ( I don't want to 'out' myself but very unhealthy ways of living, not drug addiction or anything but compulsive behaviours, I think trying to find something to distract.
From what you've said I figure when my therapy starts I can and will talk about him.
I'm unsure whether his therapist would agree to joint therapy. I know he would, not because he'd think it a good idea necessarily but because he'll do anything to make me happy. Maybe we should both go to a different one.

You request the Carer's Assessment from your dh's mental health team, so contact whoever is his main worker/care co-ordinator. Never heard of Gp's doing it, as Gp's cover primarly level mental health issues, whereas CMHT's cover secondary level care and it is at this level you are entitled to a CA. But if not treated at secondary level it is worth an ask of your GP.

Hi - from my own training I had to have and pay for my own therapy and the purpose of it was to ensure that before I started work in that field that I wasn't taking my own issues into sessions. The idea is not that one is fixed, but has had the opportunity to deal with all own personal issues, so it is for that very thing you have to have your own sessions. As you are not there to talk about someone else, but about how you are struggling (and quite rightly too) with having a partner with MH issues, how that makes you feel (esp with the field you are training in), how to help you cope with it etc. As you may well professionally work with people who are struggling with family members having MH issues, or do couples therapy so you need to ensure that you can do that without it triggering off your own issues, or raising problems for you - to safeguard you and to also ensure that you can do your job.

Couples therapy may well be a good idea, but perhaps he needs to be a bit more stable first? I would have found it hard, using my own personal therapist for sessions with my dh as that was my time, my space - if that makes sense? I personally would have wanted a different therapist to do that work. But that is me.

I can't offer any advice, but just wanted to say I totally understand what you mean about being a wife not a carer. I said -shouted- that at dh yesterday in a fit of frustration. It has not gone down well

JJ I thought there was a typo in your OP as you said "and before I had a string of abusive relationships both at work and romantically. I assumed you meant "before he had.........etc" In your next post you say "and before me allowing others to abuse him.........."

I know you are concerned that someone will recognise you, but it sounds like this is a far more complicated picture. And you don't go to therapy to talk about someone else, you go to talk about yourself and as SS said to make sure as far as possible that you have aired your own "bumps and lumps" along life's road and will not project these onto people who you are trying to help as a psychotherapist. You make it sound a bit like it's your DH who has the problems and you don't have any, which of course isn't the case. We all have stuff buried inside us that we have to manage in one way or another. IF those words aren't typos then I think you definitely need to see the same therapist for "couple therapy" and yes this would probably mean moving to another therapist as generally they don't like changing the arrangements. Remember the therapist is there to enter into a therapeutic alliance with you - the agenda is yours - he/she is there to manage that process.

whatsonyourplate do you want to tell us a bit more about your situation.

Thank you Silverstars. I guess I'll go to his psychiatrist.
I intend to use my therapy sessions for just that, definitely, last thing I want to do is to not acheive my goal of being not just a therapist, but a good one! For the record I am doing very well so far. :)

I agree about the more stability for him first. I don't want to encroach on his therapy at all, or hinder any progress.

whatson I've tried to be open as possible with DH, about that. I've said things I have regretted, It's so frustrating isn't it. The approach that seems to be working is to tell him that it isn't at all that I MIND caring for him, or that I resent his illness, but that if I take it all on myself and stop expecting anything of him at all, then it can make him worse, and mean I risk losing respect for our relationship .

He is capable of being a good husband and as such I want to not take on full responsibility, I've explained this to him as best I can and I think he understands.
It's difficult to know how much of it goes in though sometimes, and how much he is sympathetic to my situation-I know when he's doing well he is, but he hides his feelings a lot. He's getting better with that though.

nana aplogies I've read it back and I do sound confusing.
That should have read , 'before ME, HE had a string of abusive relationships', and the second sentence, 'Before me, he had allowed others to abuse him'

No I totally understand that, about the therapy. What I really want to happen is for somebody who knows his issues and understands, to also be able to work with me to help him-I suppose therapy in order for me to help me be as stable as I can be for him, and also pracical advice on how to deal with him, is what I want.
I agree, like everyone else I have my own issues but I have improved mine 100% with the right measures in place, I want him to be able to too. Ironically, my husband has been the person who has given me most help, just cannot do this with himself I suppose!

Yes whatson feel free to use this thread yourself as well if you don't wish to begin another one.

Thanks op and Nana. I won't give you the full story as it would take pages but in a nutshell dh has a history of self medication and od and as a result I keep all his meds locked away and just give him a day's dosette box at a time. He's been going through a rough patch and the other day was particularly bad, he'd taken his whole days meds by 10am, and spent the rest of the day asking for more medication. It's hard having to balance not letting him take too many/ not running out with keeping him dulled from the worst of his demons/ mental anguish. And its not nice seeing the man you love like that. That's why I snapped. Unfortunately he heard 'I don't want to be your carer' as 'I don't want to care for you' and 'I want to be your wife' as 'You are not a proper husband'.
Sometimes it seems easier to keep it in and not say anything.

And its not nice seeing the man you love like that

That sentence really rang true to me-It's horrible!
I've snapped, as I've said before, and I used to really beat myself up about it but I don't now.Plus I took on too much, and now I know that I can't do that, it isn't healthy. And yes 'I don't want to be your carer' is just a paraphrase of what I said really.
I CAN'T keep it in, I just can't . I have to tell SOMEONE-if I don't, I turn into somebody I don't like. I speak to the education institution, and to family and friends- but also, depending on how bad your out husbands are, It's okay to tell them how you feel too. When DH is GOOD, he's more than intelligent enough to understand but I have tobe very tactful, and also to let him know that I'm just venting, and not judging. I cannot damage him more!Everybody is different though. PM me if you want