Struggling with it all

[Turnbacktime101]

I'm struggling, really struggling & I don't know if its normal.

I've got a DS 4yo & a 10mo DD, I was made redundant whilst pg with DD & have no job to go to. All roles I look at are FT - we can just get by on one wage & feel if I go back FT, our lives will be over run with childcare, housework etc especially as DH cannot do any drop off / pick up due to his work.

DD is a very very bad sleeper, had maybe 7 nights uninterrupted since she was born and she doesnt nap. Even now she won't fucking sleep, despite been up since 5am, fed clean & warm. DS is full of beans, just refuses to play by himself & needs constant interaction.

I can be horrid to kids, snapping, shouting at my DS. Ignoring DD in favour of housework as I'm so sick of her. I hate myself, this is not the mother they deserve.

I have no family, both parents dead & my DB lives abroad. MIL lives locally, but offers little - maybe a babysit every few months.

I'm arguing with my DH constantly & am been such a bitch to him. We don't have sex, I rarely show him affection & my mood swings are awful. He helps with DC when home, but that's at 6pm when I've done 12.5 hours with them & just have had enough.

I feel miserable, like I would never have had kids if if know it was going to be this hard.

I miss work, I miss me & I genuinely think if I had the chance & it wouldn't fuck them up, I'd run away.

I have no idea what to do. I'm so alone & it's just getting worse. I daren't go to GP as I don't want to be on pills and I have no one to help me.

Oh so sorry that you are feeling so crap, but it seems that you are suffering from exhaustion/depression/anxiety. I am no medic but have intermittent depression and anxiety. I am a grandmother so don't have young children and I can't imagine how draining it must be having to cope with 2 little ones, especially the baby who is a poor sleeper. Also the fact that you are having no support makes everything worse. Your 4 year old is entitled to 2.5 hours of nursery a day isn't he. Would this help?

I'm wondering why you don't want to "be on pills" - are you afraid of them. Lots of people think you will become addicted or turn into a zombie or something. Do you think you could have PND as this seems to affect many young mothers.

There are many young mothers on these threads who are on ADs and have found they help enormously, and I have found them beneficial too. They do take a while to kick in and you can have fluctuations of mood from time to time but on balance they are very beneficial.

What are the chances of you making an appointment with your GP or even talking to your HV about how you are feeling. It's a good plan to write our symptoms down in a list when you see the GP and either hand it over or use it as an aid memoir when you have a consultation.

I really urge you to get some help as it sounds like you are in a very bad place and things will only get worse......the children will grow up and there will be brighter times ahead but you definitely need help now I think.

Turnback I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I came on here to ask whether I am simply miserable/gutted after a medical appointment or if I'm depressed, and I have similar symptoms to you.

Toddlers are exhausting, and I can understand how lost you feel without a job. I don't have any suggestions (Nana Nina's are excellent) but I just wanted to say you're not alone. There's another young(ish) mum here wondering if ADs are the answer.

PS my health visitor was excellent, really good to talk to - I had pre-natal depression - and was always concerned for my health as well as my daughter's.