Is Severe Stress Induced Depression and Excuse?

[ConfusedLady8]

Can someone tell me if a person who has previously been kind, thoughtful, unselfish, loving, supportive and dedicated to you can be caused to change completely due to a bout of extreme stress which starts of a major depression?

Can it be considered an "excuse" for saying nasty things, behaving very coldly, emotionally withdrawing, behaving very selfishly and causing a lot of pain to others without seeming to even care?

If this is possible for this to be an "excuse"...what are the limits on that? If this person does really bad things...things which affect the course of people's lives but then they are sorry months afterwards as they recover...what is the situation in terms of their own responsibility?

In this situation I was jilted at the alter a few weeks before my wedding and gave no reason; he just disappeared. I was humiliated in front of everyone we know. Caused enormous pain and feel quite traumatised.

He at first said he was fine, but that he had realised he wanted to be alone and did not love me anymore. He went from being incredibly caring to being an arsehole beyond belief.

Months on, I have started a new life, and he has contacted me to tell me he is being treated for a "nervous breakdown" and severe depression and he says he regrets what he did and wished he hadn't done it. As I say, he had never, ever once behaved badly before in the 3 years we were together and he says he loves me but thought that he didn't at the time due to numb emotions. I can't understand any of this.

I can't work out what to do. One the one hand we were so happy together and so well suited and I can't imagine being with anyone else or stopping loving him.

On the other hand, I feel like he did something really unforgivable to me and caused me so much hurt that I feel like I am no longer confident of his feeling towards me and also feel like I don't know him.

Please tell me if illnesses like these can be considered an excuse where people say and do such things without them meaning anything? I can't help feeling like it is a reason, but not an excuse and I feel like he ruined out relationship.

A lot of what you describe are classic for someone suffering depression. It's up to you whether that's reason enough or not. But yes depression can change someone completely.

It doesn't mean they love you less? It can just be illness talking / acting? It's hard to accept.

I suffer from depression and anxiety caused partly by severe stress so I can understand your partners position. It really does change a person. BUT I am not sure I could come back from this. Clearly if the breakdown caused him to leave unannounced then he must have been in a really bad way. Was he? Is he now on treatment? If so, what? I can't help but wonder if he has realised he screwed up and is trying to use that as an excuse.

It certainly can mean nothing I say some horrid things while depressed and don't really mean them.

Hi Lem.

His story is that for 2 months previous he had started to feel very tired, numb emotionally and hopeless. Started to have suicidal thoughts and constant flood of negative thoughts. He hid this from me, but he said he interpreted it to mean that he was no longer happy...and hence that he didn't love me anymore.

At the time / day of leaving, he had some sort of mental snap and then he did become in a very bad way. Big weight loss, really bad IBS, being sick, very red faced, palpitations, no concentration, hard to talk etc.

He says this phase lasted a month and then he started to find equilibrium but he found that at the end of it he felt even more down and disconnected and was not experiencing any feelings about anything or anyone, including his DD from previous relationships who he was crazy about.

I texted and emailed him to tell him to please see a GP, and sent him stuff from the internet on depression and breakdowns and although he never replied he read it and came to agree that he probably did have a problem and off the back of that went to the GP.

This was about 4 weeks ago and he has started both ADs and is seeing a therapist now, although he has only just started that because until the ADs began to have any effect he was not capable of even talking really he says.

I think it is very serious...definitely not an excuse. I have seen him and he looks really bad. Most have lost about 2 stone or more and his eyes are all sunken. I was genuinely worried for him and even without any knowledge of such illness he looked and sounded like he was incapable of anything beyond survival.

He is off work and is being looked after well, this is as much as I know. Communication is hard given his condition and to a degree talking to me seems to upset him.

He says he has good days and bad, but all he wanted to do was to tell me he was ill and to let me know he made a huge mistake when he wasn't rational. He said he can't articulate much, but he said he was dead inside and didn't talk to me because he was a coper and thought he would be fine. He just wanted me to please not lose hope and that when he was better if I could be patient he would make it up to me by whatever means required.

I'm sorry you've had this happen to you.
Yes, depression can completely change a person when they're in the middle of it. It's horrific. I was a shadow of my former self when I was depressed. I went from being a successful manager in a very busy workplace, going to a gym 4 mornings a week, loving my social life to not wanting to open the curtains every day. I was a ball of anxiety, couldn't sleep or eat and didn't want anyone near me, least of all my darling husband.

The thing here is that depression IS stress. They call a section of the psych hospital where I live a Stress Clinic. Many many cases of depression/anxiety are triggered by a stressful event, be it a job loss, a bereavement, the birth of a baby, work stress or bullying, unresolved issues etc.

It is so difficult for someone who has never been through it to understand it. It's very hard to describe to a rational, non-depressed person why you can't see any hope or point in living.

Just to add, I didn't love anyone when I was depressed. I hated myself, I felt nothing for my husband or my family.

Thank you Violator for sharing that with me. So sorry you had this experience. Having seen the state of XDP I would not wish it on my worst enemy. It gives me a lot of encouragement to hear you say you felt you did not love your family.

It's very hard to hear someone tell you that and to accept that they genuinely were not speaking of a rational mind.

You've had some very sensitive and informative responses here OP. Your XP is obviously suffering a great deal.

But you are under no obligation to get back together with him. Your own emotional life is just as important in this situation.

Gosh, he does sound poorly :( How do you feel now? about him? He must have hurt you very badly, even though it wasn't his fault? Do you think you could forgive him? After all, you were about to make a promise to him "in sickness and in health" he just happened to get sick before the wedding. Would you have felt differently if this happened after you were married? ( because of all the hurt of course). No one could blame you for walking away - it will be a long and painful journey, BUT with medication and therapy he is likely to recover. Maybe you should play things by ear for a bit? Is he able to be with you just now? Am just thinking of you here, putting your DP to one side for arguments sake? He could well be disengaged and spiteful - i know that i was awful, just awful to my DP and im not sure if we didn't have DD he would still be with me. Thankfully he stayed and we have a great relationship now. I told him i hated him pretty much daily :(

Even though he hurt me very badly I still love him just as much :( I do forgive him (because he was ill and not thinking clearly) and just want him to be OK again. Even now, when he has started recovering, he's not "him" and I really miss him.

When it first happened he was disengaged and spiteful. Definitely cold. I had no idea what was happening and didn't understand why he was saying and doing the things he was doing.

Right now he wants to be alone (as in living alone), he says being with anyone will complicate his recovery and he says he needs all his energy just to get through it. He says he doesn't want to hurt me, but he thinks that trying to be there for me right now is something he physically can;t do until he has a little improvement. He just says he knows he loves me and made a terrible mistake and wants me to please give him a chance when he is better.

He does want to text and talk to me. He texts most days now and is quite sweet but sometimes very distant when he has a bad day. It's awful that he doesn't want my help or my company, but I when I talk to him I can see he's not fit for it and being with him would probably only hurt me.

My only worry is that despite him being very poorly, he just didn't love me enough to stay and talk to me, and he walked out on me and it makes me feel very insecure. If I can find the faith to believe he loves me underneath it all as much as I love him then I can battle through it because I love him enough.

You saying those things about your own experience LEM is very helpful as it makes me feel like I can take a chance and believe what he is saying. I am just really scared of helping him through all this fro him to turn around and tell me again that he doesn't love me.

Thanks you so much for sharing that. I am glad you are feeling better. I am really hoping this is hat has happened and that with meds and help my exDP can come back to me.

He said the same thing to me, that if someone had told him even two weeks before that he would leave me or feel like he didn't love me that he wouldn't have believed it. He said he didn't understand but he just felt nothing.

Thanks TrueWorrier...I imagine it must be a horrible experience from the inside. I wish it was more common knowledge that this sort of thing happened because maybe it would have helped an awful lot in this situation.