Can anyone help me with my anxiety?

[theverysuccessfulone]

I've nc for that, so I can try to be as open and honest as possible. I'm very anxious (non stop worrying, mind rushing all the time, always thinking of things I should be doing, etc). I don't have panic attacks, but I'm exhausted with the non stop "noise" inside my mind. Obviously it affects my marriage, DC, career, everything.

I wish I knew WHY I'm like that. I grew up in a loving home. My mum is quite anxious, a bit overprotective, but lovely. My dad used to be, how can I say, emotionally unstable (he loves us and used to be great when things were fine, but couldn't deal with the pressure of 3 children and would regularly lose his temper, say harsh things, sometimes beat us. Until today he can't understand how damaging it was. In my opinion, he is very immature emotionally, so there is nothing I can do. I've accepted this)

I've had grandparents and one uncle around, very close, so no lack of love, role models, etc.

I was never told I had to be the best student, have the best grades, etc. I was never told I looked bad (I didn't, now I'm 35 I can see how good I looked!).

I constantly beat myself because my house is a mess, because my career never took off, because I used to be a bad wife (now I'm better and feel I'm just a mediocre wife), because I have so many things I want to do and I never find the time.

I'm a decent mother, though. It's the first thing in my life that I'm doing ok - and for the first time I'm happy with how good I am. Not perfect, I could be better, but most of the time I'm good. In rare cases I lose my temper - a bit like my father, but I've never hit the boys or said horrible things. I've shouted at them a couple of times, felt horrible about that, but that's all.

Guess that's it. I can't understand what exactly happened to my while I was growing up to feel so insecure. I have low self steem, I can't focus on stuff, I have no perseverance (except for a few things, but most of the time I lose interest in things and give up at the first difficulty).

I feel comfortable when I have a problems to solve. A crisis. If everything is going well I don't know how to behave. If I manage to do everything I have to do, I find something else to worry me. (example: I was very annoyed my house is a mess. DH stayed home for a couple of days in Christmas/NY. I could tidy a few things - and soon I was emptying drawers, sorting clothes, trying to DIY. Why can't I just relax?

Well, that's it. I would be incredibly grateful if someone could talk to me. I'm already on 100mg a day of Sertraline, and I don't want to increase the dose. I need to calm my mind a bit with CBT, meditation, etc. But most of all, I'd like to understand the REASONS for this behaviour!

Thanks!

I started a thread earlier this week as I have just started having horrid anxiety attacks in queues and crowded places, and people had some very good advice. I will try and link it for you.
One thing was that the constant business and striving for something better can be a way of blocking things out, which is why the anxiety doesn't let you rest and be content with your lot.
Why do you say you used to be a bad wife? Is that coming from you or someone else?

Hope this works

Precious I have a feeling I'm too messed up for the upbringing I've had. Maybe I'm wrong, but I see people from really disfunctional families with parents in disfunctional marriages and they seem much more adapted than me.

Reading mn I found out I have been an abusive girlfriend to my boyfriends, that I've had one borderline abusive boyfriend - in short, strange relationships. I always knew they were strange, but had no idea how much.

Answering gremlingirl the idea that I'm a shit wife came from comparing my relationships to others, and fro the idea that DH's life didn't get better since he's with me. He's not happier. I'm a better person now than when I met him, in good part because of him. He disputes my belief that I'm horrible, but for the last few years (since the birth of DS1) I really couldn't believe he did love me. Sometimes I still think he's with me because of the DC.

I fight a lot. A therapist told me once it is the only way I have to feel close to someone, as if I'm fighting and discussing with a boyfriend then it means I have a close relationship.

BTW, I've had lots of talking therapy. With several therapists/counselors. Some were amazing, some rubbish. Unfortunately I can't pay to have therapy privately, and the NHS is difficult: they offered me CBT twice (Waste of time. Two not very good therapists, and I think there is no need to waste one to one time to learn the techniques, I can do that by myself). Now I'm living in an area of London where they offer even less.

Gremlin what exactly do you mean by "blocking things out"? I may be trying to block things, but what would that be? Fears, thoughts, what sort of thing?

I have a habit of picking the skin in my fingers, which doesn't sound like self harming, but it bleeds, hurts and sometimes my thumbs get so sore I can't bend them. The therapists I showed my hands didn't look very bothered about it.

I've sucked my thumbs on my sleep until I was 6. Shortly after I started to do that. I would love to have someone to try to piece this stuff together, I really need to be a more sane person for the sake of my children - I fight a lot with their dad, and it is not good for them to watch. I thought of separating, but I know I would just start the cycle again in a next relationship. I need to break this pattern.

I suppose the person who originally suggested the blocking out thing on the other thread meant any of those thoughts which come into your mind when it's not busy. Or maybe you feel you have to be constantly striving and doing something to improve life for yourself, your husband or children, and if not, then you are failing somehow.
It's very interesting what you said about picking at the skin on your fingers - I do that too when I become anxious but I see it as an extension of nail biting or something equally harmless.
Do keep talking if you think it's helping to get it out - I'm sorry I'm not very experienced at all this but it's probably better than nobody (and it'll keep this bumping in case someone more helpful does come along!)

I would recommend reading a book by Professor Paul Gilbert called The Compassionate Mind. It's very well written and should help you to understand what impact your childhood has had on your adult self. It is also a self-help book teaching you to use an approach called compassionate-focussed therapy.

Thanks for the suggestion, bryte, I'll look for the book. Compassion is something I'm definitely bad at. I've been working on that but I used to have zero compassion for myself and consequently for everyone else.

gremlin Thanks for offering to help, I think I really need to talk about all that now. It feels I can't make progress of I don't start to figure out where my problems started. Re the skin picking, imagine biting your nails until they bleed and your fingertips get sore. And instead of stopping you just go on. It's hardly harmless. I'm afraid I'll end up having some serious problems in my hand because of that.

Anyway, thanks for taking to me. Really.