Not really sure what I want to say

[ummingandahhing]

So this may be a bit long-winded.

I think I may be depressed. It's something I've been thinking about for quite a long time now but I just feel this state of inertia about doing anything about it.

In a nutshell, DD is now 2, really not a nice birth, induced, back-to-back, DD was born with abnormal leg which has self-rectified. I also went into urinary retention which was just awful and had to be bagged for two weeks.

I now also have a diastasis recti which is about 3 fingers width and my stomach area just looks awful, as though it fell down in the front. I think I do have body issues now as I am really not the shyest of people but will not let DH look at me when I am having a bath.

DH and I have had pretty much next to no help from anyone. His parents are Up North and mine are abroad. DSis has helped a tiny bit and DBro who lives near has done pretty much nothing.

First seven months were pretty hellish with DD as I just felt like I'd made a terrible mistake. But my feelings kicked in and things are pretty good now though her being a Daddy's Girl sometimes makes me feel odd. I had a few scary thoughts about wanting to hurt her in the very early, hard days but nothing since then. I do wonder if I had PND and also is it possible to still have it now?

I don't sleep very well but recently I have been falling asleep on the sofa and sometimes spend the whole night there. DH leaves me there as he knows I need the rest.

DH is loving and supportive but we are a bit frayed around the edges due to financial pressures, a recent forced move due to landlord selling our flat and now extortionate rent.

I just feel flat a lot of the time, I don't seem to have a sense of direction which is the oddest feeling as I used to be the most full of purpose person you could meet. I also have the feeling that many of my friends don't really know how down I am as I am very good at hiding it.

So I guess I need to see my GP about it but again, what's stopping me?

Getting a diagnosis really was v v hard for me as I reacted incredibly badly to being labelled and what it might mean about me as a person. It has taken nearly two years of therapy to undo some of the damage that came from me climbing into an OCD box when I didn't really understand it and was given very little information on it when in crisis.

I personally found it best when people responded comprehensively to me as a person and asked me to really think about my needs without taking charge or overdirecting. I did best when spoken to as though I was competent and able to judge what was in my best interests... even when in severe crisis. I felt out of control and 'mad' when I was told what to do and it often made me feel quite paralysed and not wanting to engage.

It's so different from person to person and we all react differently to different approaches based on how we deal with things.

I wish I had been told to take the label lightly from day one but of course this is not what many other people want.

Umm I wish you all the best in finding your personal route to feeling well again and hope it comes easily and
smoothly for you. I will hide thread and apologies if my attempts to share stressed or upset you.

Working and I apologise if I have offended you in any way.

I understand that people are just trying to help. I just panicked a bit as I felt I was being told that I should know what to ask for when I have no idea.

I am just on my way to work after my appointment.

The GP was lovely and I think I made the right choice. She let me wail for a bit and just offload. She does think that I am depressed and needs some support. She said that whenever she sees me, I seem very outgoing and in control and it may be helpful for me to figure out why I feel I have to put on a front.

The GP has given me a list of things to read, recommended I talk to someone and has asked that I have a blood test on Monday to rule out anaemia and thyroid problems.

I have also been recommended to get exercising again to get my mood up and not to start trying for a baby if I do go down the antidepressant route for now.

She made it very clear that the main thing was to find out what would suit me best and that I had done a good thing by making the first step.

Now I am someone who likes clear goals and projects. Now that I've started, I feel as though my project is me, to make sure that I get to a state of good mental health.

Well done Umming. That is a good start. And a good approach to take.

Brilliant. I am so glad your GP was helpful and your project will be 'you' for a bit.

I think as mothers there can be a tendency to put ourselves last which is not always best for anyone.

One thing though...

She asked me if I'd ever had bouts of depression before and I did say that when I was a teenager, I'd had a bad time of it when I was 13 and had for a period of time wished I wasn't here. She said that this was not normal and I had always just written it off as being teenage melancholy!

So forgive me for being extremely dense but such thoughts are not normal?

It depends upon the fleetingness of such thoughts and the attendant behaviours and moods.

Many adolescents will experience dramatic mood swings and acute feelings of anhedonia (loss of pleasure in life), anxiety and anger. But if this becomes prolonged or accompanied by thoughts of Suicide that are tangible in plans/ideas then they may be more concerning.

Thinking 'I wish I wasn't here' after a row/bad day etc as a teenager may be common. But accompanying ideas about how you'd go about this is less usual. The length of time is a factor too- i notice you described it as a 'period of time'. Well if that was a relatively unbroken period of time, then that would be a factor I would consider too.

Most of the thoughts went along the lines of: If I step forward right now, in front of this truck, that would be it.

I also recall there being quite a few meetings between teachers and my parents about how I was so upset. I do recall spending most of my third year in tears and my school report that year was littered with references of: umming is too hard on herself when there is no need to be.

My GP thought it worth exploring these issues as they may have bearing on how I am not as an adult.

I wouldn't disagree with that and indeed it is a good sign that your GP is taking a long view instead of merely reacting to what is in front of her.

Might be an idea to tackle the immediate situation now and look at this a bit later on.

Any assessment with community Mh teams or counsellors would ask you about this and form part of their overall assessment anyway.

Everything has some bearing, good, bad or indifferent.

Good luck

Hi Umming, I'm really glad your appointment went well, and I think it's great that your project is you :)

In terms of what you describe as a teenager, it sounds like what my GP called intrusive thoughts when I recounted to her that I'd been walking by the river and had a huge sudden urge to jump in because I can't swim and it would all end. She explained to me, similar to as Bailey said, that in themselves they aren't abnormal, but if you are having them often (or had them often) it can be a sign that maybe something is wrong and it's worth exploring even if it just ends up that you rule it out as not relevant.

Thanks Koala. Yes, I did have them often.

It's funny how when you get thinking though that you can recall other periods of great unhappiness. A few years back I really suffered from SAD and I felt awful. A SAD lamp really sorted it out then and I am careful now in the winter months to ensure that I use a lamp and make the most of any available sunshine.

I am still feeling rather tearful and have had to run to the toilet a few times just to have a moment to myself.

I had a good talk with DH as well tonight about what was discussed.

Tomorrow I'm off to a bookshop to have a look at the recommended books and some others.

Yes yes to intrusive thoughts.

I am having one of those bone crushingly awful days where I just want to hide and go away.

After trying a few times, I finally had my bloods taken! Nurse was sick last week and also I wasn't told to fast, the first time I went to get it done.

I'm fairly certain that it will come back ok. I just need to give myself some breathing space.

So the bloods are normal. Doc has given me another month to see how I go with exercise and reading by myself and then wants to see me to take the next step.

Thing is, I've had a cold that I've not been able to shift for weeks so haven't done any exercise at all!

And I'm not doing so good tonight. My lovely DSis had a baby today and though I'm very happy for her that it went smoothly and was straightforward, I'm kind of in bits as I keep thinking how awful it was when I had DD.

I feel like such a selfish cow for feeling like this but I keep having flashbacks and I'm upset.

Has anyone else found it hard dealing with happy birth news after a bad birth?

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep waking up and feeling like shit. Feeling like I have be something to everyone else.

Ummmm I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Remember whilst all the longer term stuff is going on you can always go to your Gp to talk things through. This is a long shot but there may be a psychiatric nurse or someone she can refer you to for some support whilst identifying the best therapies to help you in the long term.

As for your teenage thoughts. I say the following with my experiences and it is not necessarily applicable to you! It isn't normal to have suicidal thoughts, even as a teenager. I received my diagnosis in the Netherlands which has utterly brilliant mental health care provision and they were horrified to hear what I described in my head - similar to you - had been ignored. Yes there is teenage angst but then it simply isn't the norm to want to walk out in front of a truck on a regular basis. And that's not from me, that's from several different psychiatrists and psychologists. It wasn't until I moved here and my dh looked at me funny when I asked him didn't he think the same. Apparently not. I was really genuinely surprised!

I have bipolar so my scenario is not, of course, yours. And there is almost certainly nothing for you to worry about and please don't worry! But I just wanted to add a slightly different opinion to what had been posted above in case those thoughts start to creep back to you. Please tell your Gp immediately or call the samaritans or call your oh - or post here. Writing is also very therapeutic. We will listen and help you :)

It sounds like you are doing so well. I kknow it is so tough but if you can go for a little walk or maybe do something nice for you like go to the hairdresser or a pedicure? Or something nice you used to do pre pregnancy? Did you have any hobbies before dcs that you might want to pick up again? Or are there any mum and baby groups where you have some friends you could go and see?

I have struggled with pre natal depression and I force myself to do yoga and go for a swim a couple of times a week. It feels like such a hurdle doesn't it but it makes us feel better :)

Look after yourself. It will get better. Hugs.