Feeling out of control

[ConfusedMadlady]

I don't know how to start, but I'll just ramble on just in case thers someone out there. I've been suffering from depression for many years, been on Prozac but got "Prozac poop out" and haven't been on antidepressants for a few years. History of PND. Now reaching menopause and feeling more and more unstable. Drinking very heavily at times.
Four kids, three live at home. All adults, oldest 28 and living with gf at our home. None of them helpful in everyday chores etc. I don't cook or do stuff for them, but none of them pay rent etc, instead they ask for money from my DH. Youngest son and daughter forever critical of me. Every day. Plus very jealous of oldest son for getting biggest room etc.we are well off, so that's not the issue but still.
On New Year's Eve I drank a bottle and a half of wine and got into an argument with youngest DS. He screamed at the top of his voice that he hates me and wishes me dead and I've spoiled his life. He's 24. I pushed him. He grabbed my throat and pushed me and I fell over and started screaming hysterically. DD ( 20 ) called ambulance. They arrived. I refused to go with them. It ended up with them calling the cops. Six policemen/women stood in my bedroom. It was like a nightmare.
I was arrested, spent nine hours in a cell then cautioned for having attacked my son. I never told them that he grabbed my throat and I never would. I don't know where to go from here. I'm desperate. Haven't eaten since New Year's Eve afternoon. Just want to die.

Oh dear. I am sorry. It sounds like a totally traumatic event but these things can happen in drink. Was your son drunk? Although you pushed him He really should take responsibility for grabbing you around the throat. Are things normally this aggressive or do you get on well otherwise?

I think it is outrageous that none of your children make a financial contribution to the household costs and yet feel entitled to slate you. They should be thanking you. Do they work? If they do they should be looking to rent their own places or look for house shares. Clearly, They are all on too cushy a number to be bothered moving out.

Maybe you need to instigate a plan for that to happen, for your adult children to become independent of you You might find that with them gone your life would improve.

You might also want to consider posting about this on the Relationships board which is busier and so you might get more replies.

If you can take a break from the booze, you know self-medicating with drink is not a solution. As awful as this incident with the police was, some good can come out of it if it forces you to make some positive changes to make your life easier.

Although if you are depressed you won't have the energy to make changes. Do you think you would benefit from going back on ADs?

Thank you for replies. No, he wasn't drunk. I was. Yes, I want to go back on ads
.right now I'm just flailing. Hopeless.
We've never had episodes,like this before. Ever.
But they're all living here except for second born son who is a doc.
The others have jobs. No one contributes. My HD is a total soft touch and now I'm feeling paranoid and thinking oldest son and gf are trying to get me out of the house. ( long story, stayed abroad for 8 mths looking after very I'll DM)

It's true I don't have the energy. I sometimes don't shower for days. I dunno I am so sick.

I know it's hard but I think you need to plan a bit here.

Firstly go to your GP and try to get some help with counselling or antidepressants

Secondly talk to your DH. He needs to support and look after you.
In the long run it is not doing your DCs any favours to allow them to live at home like this, part of being an adult is learning to live independently and you and your DH need to encourage this.
Can you get him to realise what this situation is doing to you and get him to take control of things

I reposted this in relationships just now.
I will see my GP. Right now I am traumatised to the point I can't go outside. I love my children dearly. But they are now adults. All of them, I just can't understand how we got I to this mess. DH is in hospital overnight,due to have minor surgery tomorrow.

Sounds a horrible situation. If you are depressed drinking alcohol does not help as it is also a depressant and as you said you have begun drinking more could you look at addressing that?

Would our dh consider asking your dc to move out and become responsible adults? That may give you more space and I know several people who had better relationships with their adult dc when they moved out. One couple only got their dd to move out by saying she could stay but be charged a commercial rent and share of bills or move out, she chose to move! But only worked as both parents behind their decision.