I dont know how to best support my friend

[ParadiseByTheDashboardLight]

Hello, I'm not sure if this is the best place for this as I'm not sure if it is a mental health issue, or something else entirely. If anyone has any advice, I'd be really grateful.

I'm just at a loss now really.

Quick(ish) background: I've known my friend since primary school, we're now thirty. We went to the same high school (by chance) and then to the same uni, we became very close at uni. We now live in different countries, though only 300 miles apart, talk/email a lot, but see each other less often due to logistics.

She hasn't had the best few years, her first long term relationship broke down a few years ago (the last year of it was very dysfunctional, think constant arguing/breakup/not speaking/get back together/worse argument/longer break up/get back together... I supported her through this as much as I could, phone calls in the early hours, gave loads of advice (none of it taken, although by the end I was saying that it wasn't a happy relationship so she should walk away - but I understand this is hard to do when you'd actually in the relationship and want it to work out).

She started seeing someone else about six months later, she really wanted that one to work out (he was a lawyer, she has always wanted to marry a lawyer, think it's a status thing or something) but after a few dates he cooled it off, she tried really hard to continue it for a few months but he wouldn't take her calls. I think it was after this that the problems really stated.

She has been, what I would say, in quite a low level depression since then (but im not sure if that is right). Especially over the last year, when I talk to her, she is increasingly difficult, everything in her life is more difficult/stressful/traumatic/painful than anyone else's, eg she hurt her leg, for a few months it hurt her walking (many doctor, physio appointments but they couldn't see where the damage was and told her to exercise it) after 6 months when she was complaining about being so tired/sore/exhausted I said maybe it would help her to start strengthening it again, even just starting with brisk walks for 5 minutes, a swim, and that it would probably really help clear her head too and help her sleep. But this was dismissed as her leg was too sore, she was too busy, her job was too hard to allow her to do this. I found this frustrating as (IMO) none of these were true/prohibitive in any way, but I just kept trying to encourage however I could.

Every time i speak to her it's something. She hates her job (but won't look for another one), her friend keeps being mean to her (but she keeps going out with her as she is a lawyer...), her family are all mean to her (normal sibling stuff but of course for her it is worse), her manager is being unreasonable (i would say she is being VERY tolerant).

I often see a missed call from her and then I'll text her back (of I can't call as I am at work or out) and she'll text me saying she can't talk as she's crying too much, recently this has started to make me really annoyed, as why call me, them say that? Just makes me feel shit. Then whatever it is i will spend time trying to sympathise/listen/talk it through/offer advice and it all gets thrown back in my face. Or I get one line texts saying she is drinking a bottle of vodka wailing like an animal. Or ones that say "I can't cope with this anymore". She would send these sort of texts to her exP, but he has been ignoring them more since they broke up. I get the feeling I have now become the replacement person who has become responsible for her happiness like she expected her P to be. But I don't think you should put that on anyone, even a partner. Plus I can't seem to help, and she won't get professional help (I gently suggested it).

Meanwhile, she is constantly posting stuff on Facebook about how fabulously wonderful her life is. So I get all the shit and she is her fun self with everyone else.

I can't remember the last time she asked anything about me, and I've had some really big things going on these last few months (job, family stuff, illness) none of which she knows anything about because she doesn't ask anything about me, hasn't done for about 4 months. Occasionally I will allude to something I have going on, but it gets ignored or brushed over.

It is making me avoid her calls, ignore her texts, and think bad things about her, and then I feel like a terrible friend. But sometimes I just feel like I can't cope with 2 hours of her misery on the phone when all I want to do is shake her and tell her that, OK, things aren't how you want them to be, but life is like that, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! STOP WALLOWING IN SELF PITY. Plus, I then spent the rest of the night ranting at my DH (who thinks she is a selfish drama queen and doesn't want to hear about her anymore ) and then it ruins my night too.

I know this post makes me sound so selfish, but I am getting so worn down by it all.

I'm sorry it's so long. And sorry for typos, am on my iPhone.

Oh God, that's so much longer than I thought.

If she didn't used to be this self centered and selfish then could it be depression causing her to be like this. When you're depressed you can only think of yourself and are desperate to find some way out of your sadness. If so she needs to see a doctor I suspect.

What I struggle with most is that she almost doesn't seem to want to feel better. Everything I suggest she do is met with "I can't because" or "that won't work". Sometimes it's as if she doesn't want me to help.

She did it again last night, at 9pm I see I missed call, I texted her say I can't talk as I'm out in a bar, and then I get this massive long text about how she's crying. I used to drop everything and call her, but now I feel really reluctant to do it anymore, as when I say to her that I know how she feels, I've been there (break ups, old relatives passing away, sibling issues, money worries), I just get told that, basically, hers is worse. Then I feel totally dismissed and it makes me not ant to talk to her anymore.

I think you absolutely have to change this situation, both for your own good and that of your friend. You can't change her behaviour but you can change your behaviour towards her - this is true of all situations in life.

You are absolutely right that your friend is wallowing in self pity and is playing a game "Yes but" and it goes just as you have described, one player in the "game" (the helper) says "Why don't you do AB or C" and the other player in the game (the victim) says "Yes but I can't do that because of XY and Z. This "game" can go on indefinitely until one or other pulls out. Incidentally I am using the term "game" from Transactional Analysis which you might have heard of.....it's a theory by Eric Berne and there are loads of books on it (TA) and one called "the games people play."

What you are doing isn't helping your friend because it just allows her to wallow more and more in self pity and she is squeezing you dry and this is not fair on you. BUT you have to be prepared to make some drastic changes. IF she is suffering from depression or anxiety or some other kind of mental illness then she needs to see a GP who will diagnose and treat her.

SO it's down to you to makes the change. I'm not sure what would feel more comfortable for you but I wonder about writing her a letter telling her how you feel and that you are thinking of both of you, as you are becoming emotionally worn down and what's happening between you isn't doing her any good either. Dynamics between 2 people tend to get "set in stone" and sometimes it takes someone from outside to see what is really happening.

You are not being selfish - but you are being too long suffering and things have to change. Think about the best way to make the change and you need to be assertive as my guess is she will come on more as a victim if you try to change things, and try to "guilt trip" you. Sometimes these things aren't conscious, they are done at an unconscious level.

Remember: If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always got

Make 2014 the year you rid yourself of this emotional burden for both your sakes.

NanaNina, thank you very much for your reply.

I agree with what you're saying about changing how I respond to her. My mum said the same thing this evening too, that I need to not be jumping to her beck and call every time I get one of these calls/emails, because it doesn't seem to actually help her (or it's not the help/words she wants) and then I spend time avoiding her or not replying and then I feel like the most callous person ever for according her, but I spend the whole time thinking about it, and probably wouldn't actually feel any worse if I had just spoken to her!

Thank you for the TA book recommendation, I haven't heard of TA, I haven't got much knowledge of depression ( I was very down for a while a couple of years ago, but that was more of a situational depression I think, in hindsight) but I don't really know the complexities of it or how to help. I often read the relationships board though and I was starting to recognise some of the behaviours that women talk about of their DH/DP, who are in quite grim relationships, with my friendship and that was very alarming. But I do see that I have as much of a part of this cycle as she does.

When I get these emails from her, she will often prefix it with "I'm tough as nails/I'm a really strong character" and it's again like she's saying that I'm lucky she's so tough as I've got it a lot easier than if she was normal or weak like me but I might be reading more into that than is there.

Sometimes, when the email has been a particularly bad one (one that my mum says has undertones of nastiness) I sometimes think that, if I don't reply for a few days, maybe she'll read it again and think about how that would make someone feel to receive that. But then I think that she really isn't in a place where she would see it from my perspective, so I shouldn't take it personally.

Change is not easy, especially when dynamics are long standing and they tend to get "set in stone" - you could test out this issue of changing your behaviour towards your friend in small ways to begin with. For instance you could e mail her saying something like "I don't seem to be helping you whatever I say, so maybe it's best if I stop trying for the time being....." (which isn't really that small a way) but it will be interesting whatever change you make, because I think your friend will be nonplussed as you will not be "playing your part" and she will I suspect be confused.

I sometimes think life is like a play and we each play our parts especially in terms of relationships/friendships and we have a "script" just like in a play. The script between you too is she comes on victim to you (although telling you she is strong) and you do your best to be the helper/rescuer. By changing the script (even in a smaller way than I suggest) you will notice there is a change - it might not be for the better, but I think there will be a change. It's not easy to do as we "learn" our scripts through life.

When my DP and me have a row, it's like a play and we each play out our scripts and there is Act 1, Scene 1 when there is a fair bit of shouting and then in Act 2 one or other of us makes a move to make things up and sometimes that's successful, and if not (after an interval) we move on to Act 3 Scene 1 and so on until it is resolved. Hope this is making some sense to you.

Mind I think this friend is wearing you down and I'm wondering what it would cost to you to break ties with her, even if you did feel guilty for a time. The thing is the way things are between you is not helping her either, even though she doesn't realise this. It's like she wants to be victim (playing another TA game called Poor Me - meaning no-one has things as tough as me) but with a twist as she tells you she is strong and I'm not sure what that's about, possibly because that's how she likes to perceive herself.

Whatever you do I honestly think you should make some changes, drastic maybe. A friendship is meant to add something to our lives, not be a continual drain on you. Maybe suggest she seeks counselling for her problems as you aren't really in a position to help her and see what her reaction is. She does actually need counselling to unravel why she behaves in such a devious manner.

TA isn't about depression - it's more about the way we interact with each other. There is one called "The games people play" which might be useful for you to read.