What's wrong with me?

[notallthere]

Back story- I was diagnosed with depression in 2008 aged 18, and have been on and off antidepressants since then. Although I was not previously diagnosed, I am able to recognise symptoms going back to at least age 11. No physical/sexual abuse but parents were (and still are) extremely controlling, sometimes possibly bordering on emotional abuse although they actually. I am now almost 25, and still live at home, parents are not supporting me wanting to move out (my 26 yo older sister and 22 yo younger sister also still at home, although younger sister is at uni most of the time)

I've been off antidepressants for a year and a half now. I recently started a new job as a teacher (NQT), and I'm finding it very hard to cope. I have been told I am risk of failing my NQT, which means I would lose my job and not be able to teach again.

I am finding things very difficult at the moment. I'm feeling very down, which means I am getting very demotivated and finding it difficult to do all the work I need to get done over the holidays. I'm also feeling quite paranoid and edgy. I hide away in my room so my family can't see what I'm doing, and I'm terrified that at any minute they are going to come in and find me (they often come in without knocking or asking permission, so maybe this isn't completely irrational). Even now I am irrationally panicking that there is a key logger on my computer and that they can read all of this. Even though I know it is impossible as I have a password on my laptop.

I'm also getting very worried that I'm forgotten to do things e.g. lock the house/ car, and I have to keep checking over again multiple times, and even then I leave in doubt that I've locked it. Sometimes I have to pull over the car, and check I have something I need. Sometimes I have to turn around and go back and check I have e.g. locked the house. I'm worried this is OCD, but I don't having any symptoms like obsessive cleanliness, so I don't think it is.

I also get very worried that something has happened to someone in my family e.g. if they are home later than expected and haven't called and they are not answering texts/ calls, or if the phone rings late at night that it is a hospital telling me they are ill/ had an accident, or if the doorbell rings that it is the police telling me they are hurt/ dead.

I don't know what is wrong with me and I don't know what to do. I'm worried to go back to the doctor because I'm scared they won't take me seriously.

It sounds like a mixture of depression and anxiety OP, which often go hand in hand.

If you go to the doctor they will take you seriously, please don't worry. It's very common for people to feel like this and need a bit of extra help, be it medication or some sort of counselling.

I have bi-polar disorder and anxiety so I can relate to the things you say. I'm exactly the same. Don't be ashamed and don't be scared.

have you thought about moving out of your parents place?
if they do not allow you any privacy and are so controlling perhaps that is not helping?

First, you need to speak to your GP. Tell them everything you are telling us and they will be able to help you find the right treatment.

As for your new job, teaching is an incredibly stressful job and as an NQT you should be getting support and help to get you through this year not being told you will fail! You need to get some advice from your union. And I would recommend going onto TES forums and asking for advice on there. Getting through you NQT year is hard enough but trying to do it when you are ill and untreated is too big a task. You are asking too much of yourself. Get some help and advice for your health first, then get help and advice for your job. Can't advise on the parents though, I guess you can't change them but you can change your situation.