Dd playing on her MH illness ???

[floramckitchen]

Dd 19 has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. We have had a terrible 2013 - a and e visits, psychiatrists, counsellors ,cbt, gps, group therapy, etc etc etc.

Anyway , she was rowing with her dbf (and me) the other night and said that she was playing on her illness and playing on the fact that I am allowing her to be ill ??.

WTF ? She's been taking the piss hasn't she?

I think I have been enabling her to continue with her "illness" because of the fear of what she will do (suicide threats etc). I am probably to blame because of my own fear and weakness, I see that now.

Time to get tough - but how to proceed??

If you have been in group therapy and you have been involved in her care to date, is there someone involved in that you can talk to? They may be able to help you more.

I am involved in her care but she is the only one who has the group therapy . I have no involvement with that.

I do sometimes go to the gp with her. I suppose I could see the gp privately to discuss my concerns about dd. Would that be allowed? I will ring the surgery tomorrow and ask them I think.

Dd has just said again that she plays on her illness and that she is very clever and manipulative - She has always been quite lazy and now its like she's got an excuse to laze about because she is "ill".

Certainly had me fooled

Could you try and treat her as if she wasn't ill and see what happens>x

I'm not sure it's a good idea to take your daughter's comments to heart. It may be that she is confused about her emotions and someone in her group therapy might have put the idea into her head that she "plays on her illness" as it sounds an odd thing for her to say. She may feel she is clever and manipulative but again this doesn't sound like some sort of insight to me, it sounds more like bravado to me.

I don't think she has you fooled.

I'm confused.
Dd has got borderline personality traits and is now saying she has been acting.

Could this be the illness? Does it actually make you lazy ?

I think you've got to be mentally unwell to 'pretend ' you are mentally unwell .

Exactly Floralnomad you have said what I was trying to say but in a far more concise way.

Nothing constructive to add but I'm going through similar with 18 year old DD. Year from hell culminating in her counsellor telling me that DD is just playing on my fears of more self harm/suicide attempts. DD was furious, withdrew permission for counsellor to talk to me and refused further counselling. Finally accused me of giving her depression. So hard when you feel that standing up to them in any way could literally push them over the edge.

As I said, not constructive but you're not alone. Certainly worth trying to talk to the doctor. Good luck and don't forget to look after yourself too.

Could you ask your dd's mental health team for a carer's assessment for yourself. If you are her next of kin ( it she lives with you and you are her main carer - does not mean she is needing full time care, but has dependency on you for some things like meals, washing, trips to a and e etc). You are legally entitled to such an assessment. You could then ask for support or advice for yourself for how to deal with such situations?

Nothing constructive to add but what a bloody awful situation you're in. I can't even imagine how difficult that would be.

I would discuss with her how serious it is, and that she needs to tell you what is really going on. The thing is in the future if her illness (if it is true) could lead to medication - does she really want to be on medication she doesn't need? That can have serious effects on her mental and physical health if she doesn't need them

I work with people who it is quite clear they are playing on their 'illness' but there's nothing we can do but support them. It is heartbreaking for their families, because I see them getting played for all sorts of things from holidays, to refusing to work.

I hope for her sake she is faking so she doesn't have to live with a mental illness, but I doubt she'd have dragged you through all that if she was. Like another poster said, could be bravado. But it would be in the back of my mind, why would she say that out of everything she could have said?

{{hugs}}

By the amount of medical support you listed it sounds like your daughter certainly does have mental illness, but the idea of grip therapy and counselling and medication etc is to promote recovery which is the goal your dd should be working towards. Many people with MH disorders are capable of, with right treatment and support of holding down jobs and living independently. Perhaps your dd has the insight to know she is using her label to get out do things like washing up or taking some responsibility for her own life? It can be easy for some people if under a lot of MH treatments to not take responsibility and rely on others instead of developing own coping strategies etc. or as others say here it could be her illness speaking. Only you can know what is going on at home etc.

For people with bpd having firm boundaries can be very helpful. So if your dd is becoming an adult and still living at home could you ask for a joint session with her care co-ordinator or therapist to work some out to help you both?

Thanks for all your good advice - I think I do need to be careful about how I deal with her from now on.

Could be bravado, or just another side to the bpd that I haven't seen yet.

Silverstars - I think she does need to take responsibility for herself and do more stuff for herself or she will become useless. I think her success or failure in life seems to be down to how I handle her from now on.

Silver - I will look into the carers assessment idea.
Thanks