Don't want to go through everything in detail as it's all too much and a very long story, but basically my mother who I used to be very close to and sister + nephew - never had a great relationship with sister - have had a feud with me for the past year, and have cut me out of their lives. No contact for the past almost 5 months apart from phone calls from my mum hurling abuse and causing rows and upset.
Have 2 dc (2 yo and 4 months)
Have suffered from high anxiety and panic attacks since dc2 was born. Have had self guided cbt which has helped, but the overwhelming sadness about my family situation is still there.
I have days - most days - where I think everyone would be better off if I got an in curable disease and died, but thinking of leaving my children stops me from doing anything stupid.
Xmas / NY hasn't helped as it's obviously a time for family and reflection. It's all I can think about, I feel les and less enjoyment and joy from my life and feel extremely low.
Should I consider AD or seek out therapy for how I'm feeling?