Past eating disorder, struggling with the number obsession aspect again.

[CrashGoesTheTree]

I am struggling with strong need to get my weight (number) lower. it's not about appearance at all, I think I look better less boney logically but in my head I need to.
But more I'm struggling with missing writing down everything eaten each day, the calories and keeping below to a set pre decided amount. It really stresses me out not knowing how far over or under I am, from 12-17 I plotted everything I ate and felt in control of it, I'm now 20 and it's only really been the past couple of months it's got bad again.

I'm not very underweight (BMI 17.4) but it's more the numbers than the weight that is the issue I think. on one hand I think if I'm careful to set healthier daily amounts it could be ok and will stop the stress of not doing it, but I'm worried about starting it again incase it actually gets worse.

Is there anyone else with a similar situation.

Oh goodness. I'm sorry. I have no experience of this, but this does sound like you need some expert help. Do you have anyone that you can talk to that can help?

IMVHO, a BMI of 17.4 is underweight. Please, please, please don't start trying to lose more weight

Hello. I'm not a counter but I can see how easy it can be to fall into that. I do agree with BIWI that making contact with an organisation or individual with professional skills to enable you to manage your urge (and ideally conquer it long term) would be the most sensible way to go.

You've been brave talking about it here and that's great, unfortunately even if there are posters on here with professional ED experience, they are unlikely to post in their professional guise (having never assessed or met you in a professional or RL capacity), so any management advice on here is probably best taken lightly (though it will almost always be well meaning and come from the heart).

Best of luck, Crash.

What helped you before?

I agree that you should try to seek professional help, could you speak to your GP or call b-eat?

I used to do a similar thing to you I think, as I used to stick below a certain number of calories each day and was driven towards a set weight I wanted to achieve. I felt like it was about the control over the numbers, and not about looking thinner. But you need to be so careful as you can get drawn into being competitive with yourself, but I am guessing that you know that already. Please seek professional help.

Did you get professional help before? Are you still attempting recovery?

When I get stressed all my ed traits come out in full force and it takes me awhile to realise what I'm doing cause it's second nature to me. You are already underweight and can't afford to lose more! I think you need to see either the people that helped in recovery or someone new... Definitely someone!
Hang in there! Stay strong and don't give in! Xxx

Did not want to read and run.

I am very similar.

and each relapse has been brought on by stressful events.

has anything happened last few months maybe even non food/weight related, could even be simple change.

new job, uni, house, any deaths or illness anything specific other than food worrying you?

Reason i ask is i know whats triggered my last relapse after 10year gap.

looking back from age 12-early 30s can map out my bad points with specific things.

My mate from uni hit it on the head at xmas

shes familier with my pasts struggled and knows i had bad few months and says im focussing all my worries about things cant control into food/weight which I can maybe shes right.

Theres lots help out there god advice above.

I find weighing myself can tip balance of my moods so when kids broke my scales i havent brought another one i weigh myself in boots which also says bmi.

Some gpps can be nice and freindly thats good starting point or the helplines.

good luck with it hope you feel better soon.