Not good

[wandymum]

Without going into my back story I have just cut myself for the first time in a couple of years.

Surprised because I hadn't felt depressed at all beforehand and then just snapped and did it.

Back to square one...

No. Not back to square one.

I cut and burned for years, finally stopped with the help of CBT. One of the things my therapist said to me in our final session was that if I cut myself again in the future....

then I'd cut myself. Once. It didn't mean I was going to carry on doing it, it just meant I'd done it once.

Thanks Empress. It has just taken me totally by surprise and I had forgotten the release it gives me. Trying not to focus on that but on how annoying it is going to be to have to go back to wrist length tops to hide the marks, especially over Xmas.

Very frightened by how easily I went back to it though, and how familiar it felt. Did 3 years of CBT to stop and really thought it was in my past.

I remember how it feels, Wandy.

But as you say, I also remember that it was only this summer, 3 years after stopping, that I felt confident enough to wear short sleeves. And I remember not being able to take DD swimming, and undressing in the dark to hide the marks from DW (who knew anyway and was worried sick....)

Really, really not worth it.

I started getting a bit too close to suicidal recently and my. GP's just started me on Citalopram and is making a CBT referral. Do you think it's worth visiting your GP?

Devastated that I have done this again.

Already on sertraline and was feeling really well which is the horrible thing. It came back so easily before I really realised what I was doing.

3 years of CBT yet the same old triggers will still end up with me cutting myself. It is just the easy way for me to deal with things...

Oh, Wandy (((((((()))))))

I don't know if this will help, but it's better to be devastated about it than happy.
It means that however familiar it feels, however powerful the release is, you don't WANT to be doing it. And you don't have to, you really don't. You're in control. You know you don't have to do it because you didn't do it for a whole 2 years.

Thanks Empress, have also done it in a very obvious way so my DH will inevitably spot it tomorrow and worry all over Xmas. I am such a genius.

This is why it is such a stupid thing to do but I know that and yet still get overwhelmed by the compulsion.

Hope you are OK too. It is a difficult time of the year x

Have also now consoled myself by drinking a large part of the Christmas booze stash.

Why do I do this? It is rubbish.

I think I'm ok, thanks Wandy.

I would get help if I were you though.