need some advice about keeping it together for DD

[commutingnightmares]

That's it really... I'm having a pretty shit time at the moment. I'm not naturally prone to depression, haven't ever had a major depressive episode, have had periods of being blue but nothing clinical.

I'm in a really bad situation at work at the moment: took a lower paid job in order to avoid pending redundancy and because I thought it would be more family friendly and its turned out to be a total nightmare, I'm now being bullied by my boss who is on my case about timekeeping but in the past fortnight has started being really nasty and vindictive to me about other stuff (have posted about the timing issue in AIBU but its escalated). We're in lots of financial difficulties and DH has to work six days a week to make up the shortfall in our mortgage and its making him permanently knackered and irritable and he's not been massively supportive with childcare. Its now looking quite likely that I will lose my job at the end of my probationary period and I'm terrified that I will lose my home and about not being able to find another job.

I'm in a permanent state of anxiety about this -- not exactly full fledged panic attacks but difficulty breathing properly and tearful all the time. I'm just about keeping things together in the sense that I'm going to work, feeding myself and DD, paying my bills and can put enough of a face on to get through the day but I feel like I'm wading through treacle just to get this done.

I can cope with not having much of a life or money at the moment but I really want not to let my DD (who is 3) down. I've never hit her or even really had the urge to hit her, I'm just frazzled and distracted all the time and don't feel I give her enough attenion. I'm scared of getting counselling in case its the thin end of a wedge that gets social services involved. I just want some advice about getting through this horrible period.

The DD part first. No you are not letting her down. You are a good mum, but have a lot on your plate at the moment.
SS would no way get involved in your situation. If they did, millions of mums would be in problems with them too. SS can barely cope at the moment, the last thing they would want or do is get involved in your situation.

I am not sure if you need to see the doctor or not. Maybe yes.

Golddigger thanks. I know that rationally but I just don't feel she's getting the best out of me. I actually feel she has a better time when she's in childcare at the moment than at home and that makes me really sad. At weekends I'm even more frazzled than during the week cleaning and sorting stuff out that doesn't get done in the week and short-tempered, rarely have time to play let alone do anything fun or creative with her and I feel I'm missing the best years of her life weighed down by other people's demands and head games. I know all working mothers face this to a degree but I really feel I can't cope with it at the moment -- I feel that I'm failing both as a mother and at my job and one will have to give.

I think I might go to see a doctor, just to help me focus on what's wrong. Thanks anyway.

Just by thinking about getting some extra help for yourself, you are showing how far away you are from failing your daughter.

You sound like you realise exactly where you are, that you could do with a hand getting to a better place, and that you have an idea about how to do it. You're a brilliant role model.

Your work situation sounds like it is justifiably making you feel anxious - and I hope there's a good resolution coming for this. I don't really have any advice, except to rise yourself as far out if it her people's head games as much as you can. Focus on what you need out of work right now, and as little else as possible. You will get through this, but I think it's sensible to have someone to really listen to you and help you to work it out.

Thanks everyone. I think I will go to see a GP initially and take it from there. Really helpful to get this support.