Feeling trapped at Christmas?

[Koalagone]

I'm really worrying about how I'm going to cope this Christmas. I've been diagnosed with PND and am getting treatment (ADs and counselling) but I still don't feel any bond towards my baby DS. He's 8 months old and he just makes me feel trapped.

We have to travel to see DHs family in a different country tomorrow, I'm dreading having to spend Christmas there. They are lovely, it's nothing personal about them, but the prospect of spending 24/7 with the baby for a week, having to act constantly so they don't guess how much of a horrible mother I am, not having any escape or friends nearby.

DH is so excited for his parents to
see DS for the first time in a few months,so excited for his first Christmas and I just know my lack of bonding will show no matter how hard I try to cover it up. DS prefers just about every person he meets to me, I know he already realises I don't love him. I try to act but it's not the same.

I'm worried I'll end up ruining Christmas for everyone because my anxiety is already so high about it, even before we leave.

You aren't a horrible mother - you are a poorly mother - BIG difference. Can you use the opportunity of everyone cooing over DS to have a bit of a break? GPs will probably be delighted to step in. The bonding will come in time - I promise. You've already taken the first steps by getting help so thats brilliant . Would it help if inlaws knew what you were going through? I had PND and was really surprised how many people of that generation had it too and had no help. Big hugs

Hi can you ask your HV on your return to direct you towards a pnd group and perhaps a chikdren's support worker to help you bond with your baby. They do baby massage groups also which are small and nice.

I know DH has told his parents I have PND and that sometimes I can find DS overwhelming and need to take a little time out. They are the type of people who gave constant streams of visitors so I know there will be plenty of people to coo over DS and his GPs will love showing him off. Which is good, and I'm really greatful I'll get the break but also means a lot of acting to keep up not looking like the horrible woman who doesn't love her baby. He's always upset when he has to come back to me too, I guess I would be too if I were him. I feel like everyone else can see instantly how he prefers DH or his godmother or pretty much anyone except me and realise it's because I don't love him... Even though I know that's irrational.

My HV has mentioned someclasses/groups starting in January, I'm waiting for her to give me a copy of the times so I can find one to fit around work.

Just to update, it went okay. I think DH had told MIL much more than I'd anticipated and she was great, I really didn't think she would be as supportive as she was.

There was also a moment, and this will probably sound stupid but it gave me hope, when DS woke up from a nap and DH brought him in to the main room, there were a handful of people DS didn't know and he started crying... He reached towards me, and I felt love towards him. The first time I've ever had the rush of "my baby" that everyone talks about.

Of course it faded and I know I've still got a lot of work to do to overcome my PND and actually bond, but it was so nice to feel something and to hold him and mean it when I told him I loved him. Before I didn't know if I ever could feel any different to him or if the best I'd ever get is neutral.

That's great Koala, baby steps etc! Glad you have good support