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Mental health

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Original poster

How do you cope with the consequences of PND ?? Long one ...

10 replies

youknowwhat · 20/07/2006 15:09

I have had PND after the birth of DS1. I muddled throught it, and slowly created a nice and loving relationship with my son. It took more than 2 years but now he is nearly 3yo, I know I have a happy little boy.
During that time, I have had DS2 (They are just 20 months apart) and the relation that I have with him couldn't have been more different. I love him, have always been at ease with him etc.. The difference is SO sticking!
So what is the problem now then ? Well, when I look at DS2 and I see how happy and contented he is, I can't help been sad that I do not have that sort of memories with DS1. The ones that I have are how difficult I found him, that I would have been happy to see him dead . Then, I see DS1 laughing and being happy but being less adventurous than his brother and I am wondering how much my depression has influenced his character/ behaviour.
I also think about DH and how difficult it must have been for him evem he has never said anything...
How do you cope with the feeling of having hurt the ones you love, the ones that were totally relying on you for their well being ? I feel so sad about it... and worried.

OP posts:

Dampknickers · 20/07/2006 15:13

I think you need to move on. You can't change anything, only learn from it.

I've been there

CheesyFeet · 20/07/2006 15:25

The chances are that your ds1 & ds2 would have had such different personalities anyway. Don't beat yourself up about it. Your ds1 is happy, and that is the main thing. He did rely on you for his wellbeing as a baby but small babies don't notice these things. So long as someone is feeding them and they are comfortable they are fine.

I have often wondered how my PND would affect my dd and dh and have reached the conclusion that there isn't anything I could do about it now. My dd is shy around strangers and I have wondered if this is the reason why, then someone told me that she may well have been like that anyway, which seems to make sense now.

Sorry this is a bir of a ramble but I hope it helps.

Original poster

youknowwhat · 20/07/2006 19:58

Yes I am aware they will have different temperaments, that's art of the fun of being a parent, but I can't help being sad when I am thinking about how bad I have been with him - not guilty just really sad about it all...

OP posts:

galaxyone · 20/07/2006 20:44

Please remember that it wasn't your fault. Try to feel proud of yourself that you have come through the other side. I'm sure you are a wonderful Mum now, you sound very caring and obviously love your two boys. Lots of mothers do not suffer with PND and maybe they 'coped better' in those early days but that doesn't mean they will be great Mums for the rest of their children's lives. Maybe the fact that you have been through such a difficult time has made you appreciate both your boys even more, and has made you an even better Mummy in the long run.

As for DH I'm sure it was difficult for him......but it was also VERY difficult for you.

I suffered awful PND with my son (now 2 and a bit) and really wish I could turn back the clock. Looking at his baby pictures often makes me sad. But I really know that I love and appreciate him so deeply now - more than perhaps I would have done had I had an easier ride. If that makes sense.

Be kind to yourself.

mummy1clare · 21/07/2006 21:32

Great advice galaxyone. Although hard you have to move on. Your sadness isn't doing you any good. Just concentrate on the fact that you had the strength to get through it.

Been there - so common!!

PS a wise old mummy told me that sometimes things aren't always like a disney film and children have to understand that even mummy is human.

PND is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with but I refuse to feel guilty just happy that it's behind me.

I hope this makes sense - I draw pictures for a living words are not my strong point!!

naswm · 21/07/2006 21:49

what a brave thread youknowwhat. I can empathise with a lot of what you have written, although my situation is very differnt to yours (and I havent had PND, but suffered with depression for years). But the main similarity is that I have always felt that I have hurt or damaged my children because of how I am. But I get through it by saying to myself that I am their mummy and I DO love them, even if my behaviour (either conscious or sub-conscious) does not show it(and has not always shown it). We will never know how much of the character of our LOs is thrust upon them becuase of the way we as mothers behave (it's that old Robert Winston thing about nurture or nature isnt it?). All I would say is, well done for recognising this and dont beat yourself up about it too much. Just be the best you can when you can. Does any of that make any sense?!

horseshoe · 24/07/2006 09:39

YKW.

I feel for you and know where you are coming from. I also suffered with PND after having DD1 and found it hard to find a bond with her. My bond with DD2 was instant.

Im not sure how much of it was attributable to the PND and how much of it was just being a new mum. You know everyone was telling me how this rush of love would hit me when she was born and that just never happened. It was made worse by the fact that she became a Daddys girl very quickly and refused to let me put her to bed or anything. I used to take my frustration out on my husband and our relationship has suffered for it.

DD2 is the happiest girl I know. But i dont think this is because of the PND with DD1. I just think that as I am more relaxed this time, DD2 is more contented. Simple as that.

The bond is there now and I know she loves me. Of course she does I'm her Mum. But I have come to accept that she will always favour her Daddy over things because that is her personality.

Jimjams2 · 24/07/2006 09:46

I doubt your PND made your 1st son less adevnturous. I have 3 children, never had PND and they're all totally different. Ds2 is the biggest wuss out, ds3 has zero fear and throws himself into everything. I find it staggering that they're all brothers.

As for your dh, he'll understand......

Don't beat yourself up about your past.

amhan · 24/07/2006 12:27

YKW - I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel because I could have written your message word for word. Up until Christmas I was feeling very sad and very guilty about my feelings towards DD1. Like you I now have a very good relationship with her but I still feel sad that I didn't enjoy her as a baby.

I think you should remind yourself that he is a happy little boy and that is down to you. You can't change what has happened and you shouldn't beat yourself up for having been depressed. I've spent the last few years doing that to myself and it really doesn't help! I understand that you feel sad but perhaps it's time tolet those feelings go and concentrate on enjoying your DSs. Good luck.

Bexybear · 02/08/2006 22:55

YKW - totally sympathise, im going through exactlyt the same right now...Just coming out of what i now know was PND (now i feel normal again its possible to see how bad things were)

Im worried that my DS is very very clingy and insecure. When i was depressed i used to blame my inability to cope on his behaviour -somedays he wouldnt let me put him down at all, it was utterly exhasuting and emotionally draining. I can now see that this may have been partly because he sensed my emotional distance..

But the posts are right... all we can do now is move on and I'm starting to have so much fun with DS now, as im sure you are, we have lots of cuddles and Im trying to make up for things. i think its all we can do...

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