Please help me calm down

[NeedtoCalmDown]

I've namechanged as I am a regular. I'm just not coping today and I feel awful and can't stop crying. There are so many things I should be doing and I don't even know where to start.

Dh has his own business - started it a few years ago having been made redundant - and it has been a really tough few years. Even now, things are better but still a bit precarious at times. He is working SO hard, I absolutely cannot fault him on that. Work is taking him away from home more and more, leaving me looking after the dcs. We all find him being away hard. He doesn't take a big salary out of the business so there's no money spare to buy help (I think a cleaner would help enormously for example but can't really justify it) We also have no family nearby so no help at all really. I do have friends I can ask the odd favour of but it's hard to reciprocate so I don't like to ask too often.

Really we need to move closer to where dh's work (and ideally soon before dc1 starts secondary school) but it's much much more expensive than where we live now and we can't afford very much housing-wise (I'm not even 100% sure we could get a mortgage and rents aren't very affordable either). I have been trying to research places to live and it's really hard to get a feel for what places are really like. School places seem to be a nightmare and I feel sick at the thought of uprooting the dcs.

Between dh being away, working crazy hours, me working for the business and doing some voluntary work (which I enjoy and feels like something I at least do for myself) we get to the weekend and collapse in a heap. I feel like I should be able to get more done during the week so we can keep weekends clear but I can't seem to make it happen. The house is a mess. I don't feel on top of anything but I can't think straight to plan how to get on top of things and feel like I've got no energy to actually do anything. I feel totally overwhelmed.

Life feels all drudgery and not much reward. Our social life is practically non-existent, not helped by the fact neither of us has much energy or headspace to do anything about it. I have actually been invited out tonight but haven't got a babysitter and there will be loads of people I don't know very well and I can't face going on my own.

I just feel completely trapped. I can't stop crying today. I hate feeling like this and just don't know what to do. I know I need to calm down and try and do something positive - even just something small - to take control - but I can't. I'm really trying to and I can't do it.

Oh dear!! It sounds like you have some very tough decisions to make and some difficult times ahead, but it is important to remember that sometimes there is absolutely nothing wrong with just sitting down and sobbing your heart out. All this stress takes it toll on you and we all end up stuck in a vicious circle that is very hard to break out of. So have your cry (and maybe some cake/chocolate/crisps too ;-) ) and then you will feel much better. I live by lists. To do lists, pro and con lists.. You seem quite down about the house being a mess (which I can totally sympathise with!) so maybe tackle that and you'll feel calmer so in a stronger position to face everything else. I don't know how many children you have or how old they are but you did mention secondary school so I am just wondering if maybe they would be able to do some things to help you out around the house? I don't mean scrubbing toilets and cooking dinner for everyone, but maybe hoovering or dusting, tidying away their toys/clothes, bringing the laundry basket down, helping with lunchboxes that sort of thing. Maybe it would be worth finding out about a cleaner, my Grampa pays £8 a week for his, maybe it would be worth it to save your sanity! It could be an idea to see if you can get somebody to have the kids for a day at the weekend, or even just a few hours, so that you and your partner can do a total blitz of the house, then you can tackle things bit by bit when you have them back, maybe when they're in bed in the evenings.. As for moving, it is incredibley hard to get a feel for a place without spending a fair amount of time there. I would suggest picking a spot on the map to rent for a little while to get a feel for whereabouts you want to be, but this is not ideal with a family in tow! And even though I can imagine you are all too tired try to make an extra effort to do something at the weekend, go swimming or for a trip to the park or beach and let the kids run wild. It can be an effort to pick yourselves up and go but you will all feel much better and much closer after a few outings. Or just all cuddle up on the sofa with some popcorn and watch a good film. I know things can get so busy and hectic it is hard to step back and take the time out to just do something you will all enjoy and benefit from. After all, the mess will wait! I'm sorry this isn't much help but I didn't want you going unanswered. Hope you feel better soon xxx

How old are your DC?

Thank you so much for replying.

I have 3 dc, all primary age (9 and under). The older two do help out with simple chores: packing their own school bags, setting and clearing tables, that kind of thing. I do get them tidying up after themselves but with supervision otherwise they end up squabbling.

When I roughly got to that stage on occasions, I used to offer to pay the elder ones to do extra chores. They enjoyed it, mostly said yes, and the difference it made was surprisingly large.

Not sure about your babysitting problems. I was lucky in that I had several people I could ask.

You are right MrsShh sometimes a really good cry is what's needed. Dh is home and neither of us is feeling very well (we have crappy colds) and I guess I'm just tired (not sleeping well at the moment) and it's all catching up with me.

Golddigger I do have people I can ask but it's not like having parents around. My parents don't live nearby - they make supportive noises from time to time but don't do a lot to help. And it's not worth telling them I have been so upset, I just get tutting from my mother and a well other people have it much worse kind of response (I KNOW other people have it much worse!)

I think it's the uncertainty hanging over us that's the real problem - the situation feels out of our control. That and the fact I am spending far too much time on my own at the moment (working at home during the day and then a lot of evenings on my own as well) I can't do much about the uncertainty but I am going to force myself to get out a bit more next week and hope that helps.

Thanks again for replying. I'm actually quite proud of how well I've coped over the last few years but I made myself very ill with stress through work a long time ago and also suffered badly with PND. I get panicky when I feel down or stressed. I don't want to go back there.

You are doing brilliantly to recognise when you begin to feel like that. As we all know it is a slippery slope xx

Thanks. I've had plenty of practise! I wish I could be my old unstoppable self though (even though I know that trying to be so superwomanish is what got me into trouble in the first place )