downward spiral

[vitalia]

I don't know why I'm posting, I guess I want to vent and seek reassurance that I'm not the only person to feel like this.
I have three young dcs, a dh that works shifts and long hours (but is amazing) I work part time nights.
After dc2 I was diagnosed with pnd, had a rough time, our marriage hit the rocks. But I came through the other side as did our marriage.
After dc3 I felt the same symptoms and was prescribed fluoxetine, I took these for a month but suffered bad headaches. I then never went to a follow up appointment at the gps (I know, big mistake)
Now dc3 is 11 months, I went back to gps two weeks ago as I'd been feeling unwell for a while. They prescribed 20mg of citralopram.
I don't feel any better, I am struggling through the days with the dc. This weekend was particularly horrendous, on my own, trying to keep them happy and entertained when I can't stop snapping.
I feel like an awful person, I'm snapping and shouting all of the time, I'm mean to dh and he can never do things right, I've just been abandoned by my so call friends and they now exclude me from meet ups.
I feel so paranoid, I am trying to make new friends but worry everyone knows I'm an awful person or that I'm unlikable.
I'm knackered, my confidence is zero, I feel like I'm detaching from reality and am beginning to wonder what my purpose in life is and if things would be better if I wasn't here.
I'm due back at the gps on the 23rd for the citralopram review but I have no idea what will happen as its obviously not working.
I feel like nothing

Oh vitalia you poor love. I am no medic but I think you most definitely have a depressive illness. The dose of citalopram is low and GPs almost always start you off on the lowest dose, and so I'm sure they will increase it when you go back. The other thing (which I think you probably know) is that ADs take 2/3 weeks to kick in and get the dosage right.

I have intermittent depression and I know what a torment it is and you are trying to cope with that and 3 small children. It's small wonder you are knackered and snapping and shouting. When we are depressed we just want to stay under the duvet or hide away but for many young mums like you that isn't possible. Thank goodness you have a good DP - and on top of all this you are working part time too. Something has to give until you can get the benefit of the meds. Can you take time off from work as sick leave.

You are so not an awful person but this is what depression does to us, it makes us think it's our fault that we are feeling so shite and that there must be something we could do about it. Makes us feel ashamed. It plays bloody tricks with us. We don't feel like this if we have a physical illness.

GPs usually do a review of the meds in 2 weeks so you should be seeing him/her again now, as it's 2 weeks since you went. I think you need to make an appointment and they will most likely up the dose to 40mg but it's far too early to say the meds aren't working. They take time to kick in. Sometimes you have to change meds as what suits one doesn't suit another but I think citalopram is the AD of choice these days.

Please be kind to yourself - don't worry about friends or what they are thinking of you - most people don't understand mental health problems.

Above all you must remember that depression is a self-limiting illness and I know you can't believe it now but with time and the right medication you will recover.