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Advice about DM please

7 replies

artemisandaphrodite · 08/12/2013 19:51

Dm and I had a small (in my opinion) dispute about 2 months ago. Basically, I mentioned that she had sent a text asking to change a meetup location, with inadequate notice (10 mins before the agreed time), and the meetup failed.

I've tried to politely discuss this over text (she won't communicate any other way), but her texts have become progressively more indignant and venomous - as though she's turned on me. It's totally out of character as she's normally an utterly rational and empathetic person.

I don't know what to do next. She refuses to speak to me, either on the phone or face to face, and texting is just not adequate imo to talk about this properly!

I am worried about her mental state. I am regularly preoccupied with our dispute at some point each day, but I have my DC, DP, work etc to distract me. DM has nothing and nobody and I know that she will be utterly consumed by this. She will be seeing noone, talking to noone, no interaction, never smiling or laughing, just brooding over this situation all her waking hours. Which obviously can't be healthy if she's been doing it for 2 months straight. Does anyone have any suggestions? This is the first time in my life we've had problems. Yesterday I texted "How are you, Mum?" - the reply: "You should surmise that for yourself". I quickly replied "Ok; what can I do?" and I got an outraged reply: "I don't believe this. I'm supposed to tell you what should have realised weeks ago? ...." and more to that effect. I feel that she thinks I'm some kind of mindreader, with these "things I should have realised" - I've got no idea what they ARE!

Sorry to ramble. I would link to the back story but actually the main bits of it are on someone else's thread and I think it would just be confusing ... Shock

OP posts:
artemisandaphrodite · 09/12/2013 10:13

An update this morning - have just had a text from her saying she is desperate to see the children, and she's asking me to bring them to a local park at a particular time. As she 'can't bear to talk to you face to face', she is planning to stay out of sight and watch them play. So she's basically going to hide behind a tree and look at them for half an hour.

I know she's very unwell but this seems to me like a bit of a request too far - wwyd? Do people think I should go along with this? I know I'd feel very uncomfortable knowing she's there watching, somewhere, but I'm not the ill one here - I've never been in the place, mentally, that she is - should I agree to this??

OP posts:
Golddigger · 09/12/2013 14:58

Yes I think that you should agree to this. At least it is a step [small one] in the right direction.
I would reply by text something along the lines of "yes, that is a great idea" type of thing. Help make her feel as if shs is in control for once.

Longer term however, I think that you have a quite bigger problem.
As she been unwell like this at all before in her life?

Golddigger · 09/12/2013 14:59

If the backstory is relevant, then yes I would post it here to make the thread easier to understand and read.

HansieMom · 10/12/2013 00:36

I would not. I think it is a daffy request. The whole argument is about nothing!

artemisandaphrodite · 10/12/2013 08:32

Hansie, that's what it feels like to me, an argument about nothing, but DM is truly, genuinely devastated by what she feels is the 'cruel injustice' of it. Obviously her reaction is ridiculously disproportionate to the mild things I have said, but that doesn't make her pain any less real.

I have urged her to go to the GP but doubt very much that she has.

Golddigger, thanks. Threads are here, here and on RandomCitizen's thread here

Sorry for anyone that ploughs through the whole lot, but I would really be most grateful for any advice/similar experiences.

OP posts:
artemisandaphrodite · 11/12/2013 22:13

Golddigger to answer your last bit, sorry, she has had depression and/or anxiety on and off for a long time but never in my life has anything been directed antagonistically at me. She has always kind of put me on a pedestal (only child) and said a few years back she didn't think she had ever been angry at me; well, she certainly is now! her texts are becoming increasingly venomous and it's hard to put into words but I just fear that while before, if she ever had bad things happen to her, she always had me as the mainstay of her life to compensate but now, her pain is because of me, though it was obviously completely unintentional from my pov. Sad

I just don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
Golddigger · 12/12/2013 08:33

Only now seen your last 2 posts. Will try and look at the links today later when I have more time.

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