Desperately worried - I think DD 16yrs is self harming

[HomeComforts]

I have an appointment to see doctor with DD on Monday - I made the appointment earlier in the week because I feel she is depressed. I ran it by her, told her I've suffered from depression for a long time, and she is positive about going along. She is in the first term of sixth form and her grades have plummeted, she's not coping at all despite having got decent GCSEs last summer. She doesn't get to sleep until 4am quite often. Her eating is quite disordered too.

Today younger DD told me she had been into DD's bedroom while she was asleep, and DDs top was up a little bit and she could see cuts "up her side."

I already have the appointment with the doctor, like I said, but I'm not meant to know about the cuts etc. It doesn't feel right to approach DD about it as it might feel like interfering and drive her away - we have quite a good relationship.

Please can someone tell me what to do?

Dear home comforts,

Your daughter sounds lovely but very worried for unknown reasons. I self harmed as a teenager, I did not have a mum like you but if I did then I would have wanted you to be concerned, not ask too many questions, just tell me that it's ok whatever I'm feeling and that your there anytime and you won't judge.

I self harmed from 13 to 21 years old, I got all A's in GCSE's then 6th form I hit a low point. I'm now much older, happy and love my career so she can get through it, especially with a caring mum like you.

Regarding the doctor, let her talk and see if she's ready to share. I would guess she's desperate to tell someone but isn't letting herself. Just remind her your there and will love her no matter what. It sounds cliche but it works xxx

I self harmed as a teen and tbh felt unloved, ignored and neglected as my mum didn't notice. So I would ask her gently about them but make it. Lead you don't judge and still love her. Do it before the doctors and tread carefully.

Hi, the jump from GCSE's to A level is a huge one. GCSE's were modular, with retakes and some coursework elements, plus spoon fed by staff often so those grade A's do not easily equate into immediate top grades in AS year, which many students struggle with. A levels are a process and a new way of working. Could you contact her tutor or head of sixth form and ask for:
Her predicted AS grades ( so you know where she should be aiming for, what is realistic)
Study support to teach her how to learn this new way of working
A meeting to discuss any concerns or support available

With gp why not use the session for her to talk about stress and let the gp ask the questions. Many many students self harm for a short period of time, sadly, so it is very common and does not automatically mean she will continue to do so.

Can you talk with her about strategies she could use to cope when stressed - what helps her etc.

thank you thank you for the replies. It's good to know there are people out there I can confide in!
Henny and slefdestructivelady I'm not sure how to go about gently asking about the marks as I'm not supposed to know and the fact is her younger DD saw them while she was sleeping, it's almost like a violation if that makes sense?
We have been to the GP several times over the past years, DD finds it very difficult to talk about her stress HoopHopes - she had hypnotherapy for her eating 2 or 3 years ago and it was successful up to a point but DD pulled the shutters down when it strayed into issues about WHY she has this attitude to eating... she wasn't willing to go there. Likewise various counsellors and mentors over the years. Talking therapy doesn't seem to work for her. I understand because it never worked for me. The things that work for me are AD's... and I'm sort of hoping the Dr can prescribe them for DD. No one offered me them when I was DDs age (obviously as it wasn't normal then) and I started suffering at age 16 as well (although I didn't self harm) and I wasn't diagnosed until I was 35 and had had my 3rd child.

DD has also spoken to me about panic attacks.
I don't know what's caused all this, I think it's been gradually building up over the years..
Yes HoopHopes I do get that A'levels are a big jump up, but to go from being an A* student at GCSE to have a predicted grade of D at AS is a pretty rapid drop over a couple of months....

Just wondered if you have been into school to ask if those grades are predicted due to performance or are predicted as they are what they think she is capable of? There is a difference ( cannot remember how they predict a level grades but use general tests etc not necessarily GCSE grades). But yes seems quite a jump.

If she has tried counsellors and talking therapy before I agree trying it again may just lead to more stress. And if not ready to talk or wanting to talk or find it helpful no point adding to stresses. There are some medications that are prescribed that are also helpful for those struggling with eating so hope you can get somewhere. May be helpful to state not want talking therapies again and why and what do want if possible?

Dear HomeComforts

I feel compelled to reply, because my DD, now 18, went through something very similar in the first term of the 6th form, following excellent GCSE results, and I so wish I'd recognised what was happening much sooner so that I could have helped her earlier. Your DD is really lucky to have you and your understanding and awareness of her symptoms. I'd suggest that you do find a way to talk to her about the self-harming, even if it feels as though you're invading her privacy. Let her know that you recognise that she's finding things tough, even if you don't know the cause of her problems. Validate her feelings and make sure she knows you're on her side (as I'm sure you already have - getting the GP appointment is the first step). The more she can share with you and the medical/mental health professionals now, the sooner she can get the help she needs and find some better self-soothing strategies as an alternative to cutting. Sleeping so little/so late is very definitely a vicious circle - both a symptom and a cause of depression in this age-group.

It sounds as though this has been going on for a while, so however painful it may be in the short term, I do hope you will encourage your daughter to be as honest as possible with you about how she's feeling.

The relentless pressure of school, exams and perceived expectations (especially among bright children) can be the last straw for some teenagers, and it's always possible to take a break and start again next year - the most important thing is your DD's well-being.

Keep posting, there are lots of wise posters both here and on the Teenagers board who can offer good advice.

Finally, look after yourself - it's very easy to forget to do that when you're worried about your DD, but you need to be well to help her and take care of your family.

x

thank you sijeunessesavait and everyone else, I am overwhelmed by your responses and concern, I wanted to post to say thank you and I have read and taken on board all your words and will come back soon

HoopHOpes I have found DD's ALIS results in her room. Predicted B grade at A2 including for the subject that she's already dropped.

We are going to the doctor tomorrow PM. I have written down a load of points on a piece of paper, I'm going to go in and go over them with the GP and then DD will join us. DD has said this is OK. She doesn't really want to be there while i talk about some of it. She just finds it hard to be demonstrative/talk about her feelings I think. So SiJeunness and self destructive this is why I haven't yet been able to talk about it to her and I'm worried that if I do, she will fly off the handle. For example, the other day I said "You look nice" and she went completely beserk. Henny you say that it could be DD is desperate to tell someone, that's true, I'm not sure however if indirectly she is actually aware now that she has "told" me - because - bear with me - DD2 saw the marks, and told DD3. Later, DD2 also told me. And then I think DD3 told DD1 (self-harmer) that DD2 had told me. How complicated can this get!!

DH came up with an idea straight out of left field this afternoon. He said, why don't we do something totally bonkers like get DD a kitten.

(we are a family of cat lovers and DD loves them).

Dear HomeComforts

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, and hope the GP can give you both the support you need. The way you have set up the appointment sounds ideal. The kitten isn't such a crazy idea - something for your DD to care for and give her unconditional love (I know you do that already, but animals can be an outlet for secrets that our children can't express to us!).

I'm sure things will be clearer after you've seen the GP, and hope you will let us know how it all goes.

with love and sympathy
xx

Hope the appointment is useful. A kitten sounds a fantastic idea!

Does your dd know what she wants out of the appointment, as useful to tell the dr.

An update -
went to GP yesterday, I gave the Doctor the lowdown after which the Doctor said she is reluctant to prescribe AD's to anyone under 18 yrs. (DD is turning 17 this month).

Then DD went in alone and spoke for some time. She came out without any prescription, but a questionnaire to fill in and bring back to the GP in the New Year. I haven't seen what's on the questionnaire or been told what it's for. DD is not forthcoming. I earrwigged at the door and did hear Dd say she has stopped cutting. Might be true, might not be. I've already booked her another appointment to go back in early Jan but I would like to know what's on that questionnaire, and what the GP said. I don't think they have to inform me however, as DD is over 16.

DD refusing to take up the offer of restarting A levels afresh next September. Didn't go to school again today, as she couldn't sleep. I don't feel we've made much progress!

Hi. I would imagine the questionnaire would be a basic depression screening tool. Depending on the results of it may depend on if they will start AD's. I first had them aged 16, after my school nurse spoke with the gp. General advice is to wait until 18 but that is not always the case but I would not imagine any dr to prescribe the first time they see a patient that age. So it is hopeful that she will go again and obviously the more she can talk freely the more hope of the right treatment. She can be referred to CAMHS also by the gp.

The not sleeping is a hard cycle. I find I have to get up each morning at a sensible early time, otherwise of get up late and catch up on sleep in the day I will not sleep at night. So perhaps after Christmas hols she can begin some good sleep hygiene - set bedtime, set get up time no matter what and no screen time after certain time, no heavy meals late at night, milky drink etc etc. it can make all the difference.

She does not need to decide now to restart AS in Sept, anytime before she is entered for her exams is enough time. I would imagine that is a big decision to make. The more she misses, the more she will have no choice in it however.

Like the Edinburgh Test? I did that after DC3 (it hadn't been invented in time for DCs 1 & 2)! and it flagged up my own depression. So I was diagnosed at 35 years of age, when I had been suffering from around age 16, the same age DD is now. I don't want to project onto her but there is of course the chance of me doing that. At least I'm aware of that though!
I kind of hope they find from the results of her test that she can have AD's. I can't tell you what a relief they were for me. (I'm projecting again aren't I).
I like the idea of good sleep hygiene, Hoops. No screen time after a certain time is scary though. I have it set up that they can't access the internet via WiFi after a certain time at night. However, I think she can get online with "edge" or something, if that makes sense? (it's much slower).
People might say confiscate her i-phone after a certain time at night. But I live in fear of a) the screaming and shouting that would provoke, and the affect on her siblings and b) the possibility that that might provoke her into doing "something stupid", my worst nightmare.

That is all that I can think of. There are standard screening tests for depression.

If she is not going into school due to lack of sleep then the only way to get good sleep is to train oneself in it. Because if she continues that habit she will not manage a job either. i had to learn this the hard way and wish my parents had given me good sleep habits ( no screens in those days but bad habits instilled). Perhaps worth talking with her about sleep and time she gets up. No problem going to bed late if she can get up by 7 ( or whatever time needed for school) 5 days a week. When teens say they cannot sleep I always ask what time they switch screens off and lights off. They have to realise if they want to manage their time a sensible time has to be achieved. My dc not that age yet but I can imagine it is hard to get screens off them.

Lack of sleep is one thing that can be changed to help improve depression. There is evidence to show using a screen keeps the brain awake - might be worth looking up the research and helping her to make some decisions?

HomeComforts
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