Counselling Problem

[WhatTheHellIsHappening]

The counsellor is really nice, I guess.

She is friendly. I just feel so awkward around her, very uncomfortable, I don't feel like I can tell her anything.

And I work myself up about it. We talk about my anxiety there. It gets worse in the run up. Since starting counselling, I've become suicidal, not because of counselling (btw!) but the way we talked about it is very awkward and forced.

I don't feel I can tell her anything, she gives me stuff like worry trees and I try hard at them, and beforehand I might write some stuff down I want to say, or imagine and plan what I'll say, because I want to do it all right. But I get there and I'm scared what she thinks of me and everything I planned goes out of my mind. I stutter and stammer and give up over notes, I just can't do it.

Any advice? I don't feel I can say anything to her, and just nod along and agree. I feel very uncomfortable and awkward the whole time and hate the experience, every minute, I dread it every day.

Find someone else. In my experience it won't help you at all if you can't talk to the person - it defeats the purpose of talking therapies. Please do not give up on therapy. It really does work but you need to be comfortable with the person.

it will get better through going to counselling but it is really hard. If you can, write down how you feel and then hand it over to your counsellor or get someone to take it in for you (if you have anyone who can help).

She won't judge you and only wants to help.

Just another thought, could you have someone you trust in the sessions with you? I found when I first started having therapy to have my dh in the sessions with me. Eventually I felt strong enough to do the sessions on my own.

DH can't physically make the sessions and we have no one else. Thanks for the idea though. I don't know if I could truly trust a friend or someone like that, my anxiety means it is becoming increasing hard to socialise and I don't think I could see them full stop if they knew. They'd want to help, and counselling is meant to help this feeling.

On week 11. Feels like years!

I will write down my feelings and give it to her, for this session, thank you, and see if that works. I wondered about writing a general diary out too, as the day of the session is one of my best days iyswim, due to my work not being actve/emergency on that day, and I also have a shorter shift, so I can relax and be myself a bit more, althoigh sometimes I'm putting on an act for myself. Other times I have much worse feelings but I think I put a positive spin on things because the day is more positive, which is natural.

I'm on Anti-Ds and they've worked very well, but it meant I felt neutral iyswim and a ton of lows, not just all lows.

It's hard, it does take time to trust and to feel comfortable. I've felt completely comfortable with my Therapist for about 3 months.. I've been in therapy 18 months. Don't panic my situation is kinda different.
I've been comfortable enough to talk to him properly for about a year. The first 3 months were the hardest.

Tell her how you feel, tell her you are uncomfortable. I spent several sessions discussing why I couldn't tell my Therapist something or what made me uncomfortable with him.

My advise, be honest that you can't be honest with her, if that makes sense. Also if it doesn't feel right, find someone else? Sometimes it takes time to find the right one for you.