Hurting - please help if you can

[anothernamechangersorry]

I have name changed, mainly because the details make me so instantly recognisable but also because I need to be A.N. Other poster for now at least.

I just don't know where to start. I am now 33. Had pretty "turbulent twenties" - lots of job changes, house moves, re-locating up & down the country. I have no family so could do this. I was (am) very lonely.

Things finally seemed to be stabilising last year: good job, own home (I owned a home before but this one is much nicer) friends, partner. We - I really - decided to try for a baby. I got pregnant and partner decided it wasn't what he wanted and left. I agonised over what to do and finally had an abortion at 8 weeks.

At first the feelings were that of relief: I had been so unwell in early pregnancy, and the relief from feeling/being sick all the time was huge. No worries about finances or nurseries or the baby growing up - I just felt, free, I suppose.

That was nearly a month ago and now I just feel so awful about it. I haven't had a period yet. I almost feel like I've got two personalities, the me that is relieved not to be pregnant, and the me that feels like a murderer and killed her own child and that is so hard, to feel like that and no one seems to know how HARD that is. I really feel I am going mad: this morning I felt like I had two people in my head, one ordering me to get up and face the day, the other pleading to stay in bed. Work is going to pot as I just can't focus, I work in a secondary school and things slipped when I felt so ill and now I am struggling to get them back and it's been commented on, I'm terrified I am going to lose my job. I hate who I am and what I did, yet I'm not sure I wouldn't do the same thing again, I saw a scan picture of my baby and I keep seeing it in my mind, whenever I shut my eyes and I want it back yet I don't. I want it to just be born and be given to people who could love it and care for it properly.

I don't know what anyone can do to help.

Oh am so sorry for your hurt.

An idea with your job, to ease some stress - why not just say to the manager, or person you need to speak to, that you have, in difficult circumstances, lost a baby ( do not want to talk about it) and are struggling. You may find some compassion there rather than criticism then.

I wonder if there are any specific support websites that you may find helpful?

Hi,

I kind of know how you're feeling I suppose, although everyone feels different. I had an abortion this weekend, and I hate myself :( I had a medical and I saw it when it passed, it was, and still is, devastating. I've cried myself to sleep the past couple of nights. I feel like two different people, like you. My head tells me I did the right thing but my heart is telling me how horrible I am.

Anyway, you can PM me if you like. Might help to talk to someone in a similar situation

I'm sorry. Who did you have your termination with? They should have counselling services you can access at any time, could you give them a call?

Please remember that your hormones are still going crazy at the moment. I had a termination quite recently and despite it being very much the right decision and something I knew I wanted and needed to do, it has still been very difficult and it is only natural to feel so devastated and upset by what you have been through.

Oh sweetheart, you poor thing. And you too, Coffeequeen and Thurl. So hard.

Yy to the hormones. As a veteran of 6 mcs, I know it's easy to forget their impact on your state. This time (just 'finishing' most recent mc) I have noticed it quite clearly and it does help to make sense of the rollercoaster aspect of how I feel.

OP, I do agree with HoopHopes re confiding in someone at your job. It sounds like a lot of pressure you are under. And I do think you could do with talking everything over and having some ongoing counselling. These are very heavy burdens to carry completely alone, and sensitive counselling will be able to guide you towards resolving this (entirely understandable) split in your mind. And what you feel is what you feel; there is no right or wrong here.

OP, Coffeequeen, please do not condemn yourselves. You need compassion, and you need to show it to yourselves as well as receiving it from others.