Can an Asperger's diagnosis help someone modify unacceptable behaviour?

[dotnet]

My brother has always been difficult. As a child, I loathed and detested him for his greedy sneakiness, bullying, arrogance and a complete lack of kindness or consideration.

Many decades on, following the death of our second parent, he (retired now) took part in the sharing out of family possessions. We siblings got together and took it in turns to choose family items by rotation. It was all perfectly fair.

But on two or possibly three occasions since the sharing out, he has broken into my house and made off with family stuff which he thinks rightfully should be his! He was challenged by my neighbours once - he always makes these thieving forays when he knows I'm away. He convinced my neighbours that he was who he said he was and that he had the right to get into my house. He doesn't have a key, but is clever at making and mending and so, effectively, picked the lock assisted by a skeleton key, I suppose.

I've since had to fork out nearly £100 for the services of a locksmith to make my front door brother-proof. I am very, very angry and upset and the most recent thieving episode has brought all my negative childhood feelings about him flooding back. Over recent years I'd tried to get our relationship on a better footing, and I'd thought things had improved (though we'd never be close) - and now this.

It only dawned on me a couple of years ago that his brain doesn't seem to be wired like other people's - and Aspergers might be the reason why.

He's had a couple of brushes with the police because of not recognising normal boundaries.

As I say in the heading - might a diagnosis be helpful (to him as well as to various people he takes against?)

If so, - how can he be encouraged to get one?

There could be all sorts of diagnoses, including personality disorders. He would have to want to seek help to get any diagnosis, which can prove difficult if he can't identify what he finds difficult.

Nothing in your OP points to aspergers so unless there are other things I'm not sure why you think he has aspergers. Being a thief and a liar isn't a typical aspergers trait.

Aspergers doesn't equal being a horrible person.

Please educate yourself before posting such ignorant offensive opinions.

There is really no connection whatsoever between Aspergers and your brothers personality. He doesn't sound very nice but it doesn't sound like he has any kind of processing issues. From what you have said, I can't imagine he would agree to an assessment anyway. It sounds like you think his issues are with boundaries- maybe you need to cut him out of your life for a while so he understands that you are setting your own boundaries.

I'm not spotting anything particular from your post that shouts out Aspergers tbh, although I appreciate there is far more to the situation.

could you expand on why you think it could be something like that?

a diagnosis wouldn't help him modify behaviour, unless it gave him access to therapy and things that he WANTED to access and if he really wanted to change- which by now may be very difficult

Aspergers isn't a mental health problem either.

My son has aspergers and is not sneaky, arrogant, unkind or a bully. What makes you think your brother has aspergers? Jumping to conclusions is not going to help anyone, and any type of diagnosis can not be used as an excuse for crap behaviour.

Your brother may have mental health issues or he may just be a bell end.

Oh dear - not a lot of help so far! From what I've read, I see there sometimes is a link with criminal behaviour, because of the not recognising boundaries thing, not being able to 'read' people. I'm sure he can't be cured - but I hope maybe recognising he's got some sort of condition (even if it isn't Aspergers) - might prod him into thinking twice before he acts.
Very unkind response, Fanjo - please understand I'm having a really hard time with the feelings of violation because of what my brother has done; I'm dreadfully upset and angry, and trying to find a rationale for it. He's never been mainstream. I need considered advice, not insults.

let's not jump on the OP already. give her a chance

aspergers isn't a mental health problem, but tbh it's not always easy to know where to post on MN, and a lot of people with an ASD do suffer poor MH because of it.

OP, maybe you could explain a bit more about your brother and what makes you specifically think of Aspergers?
Have you visited the NAS site to see if any of the explanations of it fit him?

An Aspergers diagnosis will not make anyone modify their behaviour.

I could be far more offensive than Fanjo has been, but since she's given you very good advice, I'll just leave it to her.

Bundaberg - should have answered your question in that last post...well, as a child he usually didn't have friends. Maybe the earliest recollection I have of how he wasn't socialised was when we went on a children's group outing. The adults organised team games, but he took himself off and spent the whole afternoon on his own, rather than join in.

Another thing he did as a little boy - I remember him once punching an old lady in the stomach because she had said, jokingly, that she was a witch. He was (is) two years older than I, and old enough to know better.

As a child, his behaviour was so awful that my mother used to threaten him with Borstal - I used to hope fervently that this would happen - that I'd come home from school one day and find my demon brother had been taken away - heaven! My father bought a punchbag to deflect what he must have seen as violent tendencies.

mombie - re. 'bell end' - that's what I've always thought, but knowing he has some sort of condition would make him fractionally more comprehensible!

well obv social difficulties is almost a given with ASD, but I'm not sure that on its own is really enough to point to it iyswim?

I DO feel quite strongly that children aren't really "bad" for no reason. They are either like that or formed into it (through parenting/experience), and the fact that your mum really struggled with him (and that you are not the same) possibly leads one to the conclusion that there is something else going on with him.

as to what it might be... not sure! Can you, or have you ever been able to, talk to him about how he behaves? what does he say about it?

Well when I read a post saying someone is a thief and generally a horrible person and you think its because of Aspergers I do find that offensive.

And I do suggest you read more about AS before posting such things.

My post was hardly a heinous insult.

If you had posted for sympathy about your brother fair enough.

You basically said he is a "bell end" and you think its because he has AS

The first step is clearly to know what As actually IS.i

Cant type well as have trapped nerve in arm..sorry

There was nothing insulting about your post fanjo. OP I do have every sympathy with you in that your brother sounds like he had caused you a lot of distress during your life but making suchsweeping statements about AS is offensive.

Or- he could just be a sociopath

Having Asperger's does not make one behave in this manner. Poor parenting may do.

Doesn't sound like Aspergers to me. At all. My brother has it and he would consider the behaviour in your op absolutely unthinkable. My ds also has it and he would also be horrified.

Your brother sounds horrible. Some people are just horrible. Some are psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists etc. He could be. But in any of these cases, I would just cut contact. Give him anything he wants belonging to your parents and cut him off. It is just stuff and you should treasure more your memories of your parents, not the stuff.

Nothing you've said here really sounds like ASD (my brother has aspergers - and is a nice person!). I agree with others that suggesting ASD on the basis of him being nasty is quite offensive, but appreciate you didn't mean it that way.

Honestly if he doesn't want to change his behaviour I'm not sure what you can do here. I think you just need to work on setting your own boundaries on what you will accept from him, whether you want to be in contact with him or not.

Sorry I meant you need to decide whether you want to be in contact, that wasn't clear.

Agree with most of the PP here. Another 'horrible man = must have AS'

The only thing that even remotely suggest AS is the one instance you cite of him not being able to make/have friends as a child (I am rewording it rather more tactfully than how you originally wrote it), and if he actually does have AS the "awful" behaviour you mentioned might well partly stem from being misunderstood and punished his whole life for not fitting in.

The situation re house breaking etc is one thing, and obv not great, but what a massive (and yes, offensive) assumption to somehow put this down to aspergers. Most of your posts seem to be more concerned about how much you detest him (maybe for good reason), so maybe this is the issue to work on.

From what you have read about AS, what do you actually see in him to make you think this?

Btw if you do really think he does have this, it might be more relevant to modify how you treat him and behave towards him rather than the other way round.