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Mental health

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Original poster

Feel like a failure for going back on the meds

21 replies

DancingLady · 02/12/2013 11:50

I've been on ADs on and off for about 10 years, most recently for PND for nearly 3 years. I came off fluoxetine in May this year and have been feeling terrible. Steadily worse, not better, to the point where I've really believed that DD and DH would be better off without me. Kept trying to convince myself it was PMS, or money worries, or me and DH bickering that was getting me down, but have finally admitted that I am not OK.

I saw a GP this morning and she's put me on 20mg citalopram. I KNOW it's so stupid to see this as a failure on my part. I know that if I had a physical illness, had stopped my meds, and had a recurrence of symptoms, that there'd be no shame in starting meds again. And I never think of acquaintances who use ADs as 'weak' - I admire them for taking control of their MH and acknowledging they needed help. Yet I'm so much harder on myself.

Part of it is that I see my friends all getting on with it. And I wonder why I find it so hard. And for all I know, loads of my mum friends might be on ADs, but it's not something you can talk about openly.

Sorry for the long post. Guess I'm just in need of reassurance. Has anyone stopped ADs and started again?

OP posts:

Softcookie · 02/12/2013 13:36

Just to tell you that I feel you. I posted yesterday that going back on citaloptam would feel like a failure, yet today I woke up and I thought... I can't stand to feel this shit anymore. Whatever it takes. Life is too short to be miserable

Golddigger · 02/12/2013 15:44

It is highly possible that some of your friends are on them too.
I think it is about 1 in 3 of the population take them at some stage of their lives.

SnowyMouse · 02/12/2013 17:13

I empathise with not wanting to take meds, but if they help surely it's worthwhile? Good luck.

Weegiemum · 02/12/2013 17:18

You have to take them for your own/everyone's sake (I've been on ads from age 26-40 - now off and am almost 43, but I needed them).

Only thing I'd really query is Citalopram? If you've previously had fluoxetine, this is a normally very mild first line medication (said my consultant psychiatrist). You may need to go back on the Prozac or a second line medication like venlafaxine, possibly (I'm only speaking as a rather experienced psych patient here!!).

Original poster

DancingLady · 02/12/2013 19:20

Thanks for the replies. softcookie how did you find citalopram? I've been reading up on side-effects and am a bit scared...
weegie I requested an alternative AD today as I recall fluoxetine making me really drowsy. Not sure citalopram is any better though? Hoping that if I take it at night that'll help.

OP posts:

AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2013 19:24

I know just how you feel, OP. I took citalopram for about a year a few years ago. I had no qualms about it at the time, I was in a really bad place and I took whatever help was on offer.

Since then, I've had a few ups and downs, some pretty tough ones, but I've managed to work my way through using the CBT techniques. Right now, though, I'm going through a horrible blip and I'm back on the meds.

It feels like a failure. I would never ever that that of someone else, so why do I think like that of myself? But you know, it's what Softcookie says - whatever it takes, I don't want to feel this shit!

I'm also (still) doing all the self help things I'm supposed to - exercise, healthy eating, CBT techniques, cut down on alcohol and caffeine - and that does at least give me a faint sense of control over the bastard depression and anxiety! Mind you if self help was all it was cracked up to be, why am I having this sodding blip? I've been doing it for AGES.

AwkwardSquad · 02/12/2013 19:24

*think that

Gorja · 02/12/2013 19:29

I know exactly how you feel. Stopped meds about four months ago and have just today started taking them again... Been getting the repeat scripts just not taking them but been feeling really bad. Decided that my reasons for not taking we're not enough to be this bad over Christmas with the kids. But feel like a complete failure (sad)

Thegreatunslept · 02/12/2013 19:41

I am currently taking citalopram was on it for 4 yrs 40mg I came off it weaned slowly over 6 months. Got pregnant 6 months later was fine during pregnancy but ds is now 6 months and have been back on it 3months only 20mg now!
I find it hard at the start it made me feel quite nauseous and a bit lightheaded for 2-4weeks but once it's in your system I find it ok.
I am taking it because I get overly anxious about things over think and get myself all in a tizzy about nothing much I find when I'm taking the citalopram that it is easier to deal with a problem and move on without all the fuss I used to cause myself.
I don't feel like a failure being back on ADs I feel I am a better version of me when I'm on them. I am able to do day to day activities without a thought where before I would have spend a lot of time thinking about doing things and never getting much done.
I have 2 close friends on ADs and one who has just come off them.
I only know this because I was open with them about being on ADs and they then in turn confided they were also before I said about being on them I would never have guessed these 2 women were also taking ADs.
You were able to come off them before so you will in time probably be able to do it again. Think of this time in your life as a part where u are getting a little extra help that's all!
HTH

Original poster

DancingLady · 03/12/2013 20:58

Thanks for replies. Took second dose today, have had stomach pain since first pill and slept badly. Going to see how I feel after a few weeks. Still feel bad for being back on the meds but it's better than feeling the was I was.

OP posts:

spanky2 · 04/12/2013 20:21

Have had to go back to my normal dose after 6 weeks at half the dose . I do feel a failure , but I do know that is the depression talking . I knew that there would be someone else out there. Thank you for posting it has really helpful to me that you shared your experience .

Original poster

DancingLady · 04/12/2013 22:34

I'm glad it helped you - hope you're doing OK and start to get back to yourself soon. It's hard to find a balance of being drug-free (or on a low dose) and being able to function. I think I have to consider that I might be on meds on the long term, even if it's a low dose, to allow me to just be OK.

OP posts:

BigArea · 04/12/2013 23:16

This is so true . I have recently gone back onto ADs (prev Citalopram and this time Sertraline) and (once initial side effects abated) have not looked back. This is the second time I have posted this link today but have you come across Brene Brown's TED Talk on the power of vulnerability? Worth a watch.

You sound quite isolated to me. People can't help you if they don't know you are in need of help. I am a huge believer in putting it out there. You will be surprised at people's reaction. So many people have been there, and will support you. It is very freeing to fess up IME.

Original poster

DancingLady · 05/12/2013 13:05

BigArea that cartoon made me laugh, very true!

I am isolated, and it's my own doing. A few years ago I had a breakdown and was in psych hospital for several weeks - it was actually very freeing to finally admit that I wasn't ok. For the first time in ages I stopped pretending to be fine.

Thanks for the TED link, will have a look!

OP posts:

Original poster

DancingLady · 05/12/2013 14:50

Just watched the TED talk, she makes some really good points. I think the hard thing about admitting to friends and family that you're depressed is that they want to 'fix' it. It's almost like they blame themselves, or feel bad that they can't help. My DH feels this way, and I want to shield people I love from feeling like this.

OP posts:

BigArea · 05/12/2013 14:59

That's a man thing, isn't it, wanting to fix stuff? I am sure it is easier for your DH to know you are unwell though rather than thinking divorce could be imminent (sorry glib but you know what I mean).

I have heard people say similar about being admitted, what a relief it is not to have to pretend any more.

I guess from your history that you have had loads of talking therapy? I found CBT so helpful - what you were saying about judging yourself way more harshly than you would a friend really rang a bell with me. With CBT I went from constantly thinking 'I'm a crap mum' to thinking 'Actually I am fine'.

How is your tummy now you are on day 4?

Original poster

DancingLady · 06/12/2013 21:43

BigArea better thanks, but sleep is really disrupted - feel like I'm in a light sleep, tossing and turning, all the time. I take my pill at night though, which may be why.

I did have counselling a couple of years ago, ended in 2011, and it was very helpful.

I think that 'taking control' of my MH (by going back on ADs) has already made me feel better, if that makes sense. Like I'm taking steps to help myself, as well as stuff like eating regularly, getting enough sleep, not drinking a lot etc.

How are you feeling?

OP posts:

BigArea · 06/12/2013 22:40

Hello there, I think it might be better to take in in the morning as I have heard it can affect sleep more if taken later on. I have Zopiclone which I take occasionally and is amazing - I just take half usually and it sends me off to sleep nicely. Anyway you may be sleeping badly and therefore tired hence weird feeling during the day. You've done 5 days now which is great, I reckon I had SEs for ten days maybe, so based on that you would be half way.

Totally know what you mean re taking control. I had PND and have recently had a relapse and gone back onto ADs. But firstly I was more aware of what was happening and went to the GP more quickly than I did previously, and secondly I felt better literally as soon as I'd gone and got my prescription - I think this is because I knew ADs would help so much. Brilliant well done, and you are being v positive about everything else eg wine, sleep etc.

I am fine at the moment, thank you for asking. I was off Citalopram for ages but had a really horrid first half of the year (work related), changed jobs, went on hols and then had a ludicrously busy period in Sept which really stressed me out. I think that tipped me over the edge - stress>adrenaline>lack of sleep>negative thoughts etc etc - I actually think this time it was mainly physiological and am glad I sought help so quickly. Anyway am on Sertraline now and it is lovely

When I was doing CBT (12 sessions) one of the things I realised was that I should treat myself as I would treat a friend - ie if I wouldn't think badly of a friend for doing a particular thing, I shouldn't think badly of myself.

battery , softcookie , awkward , gorja and spanky I hope you can take note of this, you are all troupers and doing really well. Life in this day and age is bloody hard and I think that is reflected in the number of us who struggle with mental health. Onwards and upwards.

BigArea · 06/12/2013 22:41

God sorry meant to say dancing not Battery

Original poster

DancingLady · 08/12/2013 16:59

Totally agree with treating yourself as you'd treat a friend. E.g., would I think a friend had failed by going on ADs? No. Would I think a friend who found parenthood exhausting and hard work and sometimes boring was a bad mum? No. Etc...

Glad the Sertraline is helping!

OP posts:

moggiek · 10/12/2013 21:09

DancingLady I've been on ADs for 38 years, and have no intention of stopping. I feel no guilt or shame, and never have. If I had another chronic illness, diabetes perhaps, I wouldn't feel bad about daily medication. Depression is no different. I am a successful professional with an adult family and grandchildren. These things would not have been possible for me without meds.

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