I started taking citalopram 2 1/2 years ago as i felt i could not cope anymore with the day to day and i had lost my capacity to feel joy. After 2 very positive years on it, when i felt i had restored my relationships, could live and work without anxiety and was enjoying life again, i felt strong enough to come off it so i talked to my gp and came off gradually. Its now been 4 months and in the meantime i have changed jobs, moved house and fallen back into the same pit of panic and dread i was in 3 years ago. I have panic attacks, work anxiety is crippling me and things like putting up the xmas tree with the kids reduce me to tears. I have started overeating again and generally feeling extremely dark and powerless.
I regret changing jobs, feel stuck and lonely and every day is a struggle. I dread the future and feel all my lifes quota of happiness is behind me.
I am not going to the doctor because i dont want to go back on the meds. While part of me craves that feeling of normality i had while on them, i feel it would be an admission that i can no longer live without them - that i am effectively unable to cope with life on my own. I think if i go back it'll be for good and at 38 its as good as admitting that life is over.
I dont know how i got here- ive always been strong and resourceful.
What do i fo? I have no time for therapy because of working insanely long hours so i think its either the meds or live with this horrible feeling inside me.