Paranoid and lost

[muddleup]

I can't work anything out, I feel like everyone is out to get me, that they know I'm struggling so they are canceling appointments in the hope that I will kill myself.
I've been passed from agency to agency and I still feel like I want to end it.
I know I can't do it before Christmas as I don't want the kids to feel sad at Christmas time, so I have to wait until after and I hate them for that.
I've seen the crisis team, I've seen the home treatment team who told me I didn't meet their criteria.
I'm tired of talking of saying how I feel, I don't think they hear me.
I don't know what the point in this is either, think it's just another thing I will have got wrong

Oh you poor thing, how horrid to feel this way, do you have anyone that you trust to go with you to your gp and push for help or a psychiatrist referral? It seems to me that you could do with some help in fighting your corner. If you do get to the point where you are worried that you may try to commit suicide then please please phone the Samaritans. I really feel that you may benefit from counselling, your voice needs to be heard.

Please keep talking here in the mean time, there are many people here that are in a similar emotional/mental state as you and they can offer you support and hold your hand.

Be kind to yourself and take one step/hour at a time. Try to do something nice just for you, you are worth it and you are deserving of feeling better.

Sending you lots of hugs

Ps are you on any medication for the paranoia? If so do they need to be reviewed?

I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a cpn and am on meds but nothing seems to be helping just now.
I just keep getting it wrong.
Last week I was really honest with them and all that happened was they sent me home with a view to speaking to my psychiatrist when she returns from annual leave in a few weeks.
I dont want to live but I'm scared of the consequences if it goes wrong.
Everything I do or feel is wrong.
I dont know what to do anymore