Want a baby when on a/d's. Then come off and can't cope. Aaargh!

[downnotout1]

I've never posted on mumnset before but have totally run the subject into the ground with DH and friends and am hoping for some advice from people who might have gone through the same thing.

I have been in and out of bouts of depression and anxiety for my whole adult life. I have a wonderful 4 yr old son who doesn't have any siblings, mostly because I became so depressed and after having him (traumatic birth, colicky non-sleeper) that I couldn't face doing it again. Eventually got on a/d's and felt like me again. Then 2 yrs ago fell preg, went off them, had a m/c, and got depressed again. Decided against having any more babies and was fine with that until this summer when we decided to give it one more go. So I went of a/ds, got pregnant, and had another m/c last month. Now I'm feeling myself sinking again and waking up at 3am to panic about highly unlikely dangerous things that could threaten my son. So I've gone back on the a/ds again which (because I have read about the risks) means no more babies.

Problem is, I am now left with the feeling that I have set myself some kind of test and failed. I'm about to be 39 so feel that this is my last chance. DH would rather leave it at one child than risk our relationship / DS's happiness if I end up depressed and not coping with being preg and then a baby. And he doesn't see why not having another child is a problem. But I just can't shake the feeling that I have failed. That I should be able to have a baby and not lose my mind. I can't (won't) live with depression, but I am just struggling with the decision we have made. It just seems so final.

Thanks for listening x

I took ADs for my whole pregnancy, under the care of a perinatal psychiatrist. DS2 was fine! I know they say it is better not to, but for me it was the only way I could have a second child without me wanting to kill myself! There is only a tiny risk of complications, and those are not proven. I am so glad I went for no2, and I am a happy and balanced mum now to two lovely boys!

PS: Not everyone is lucky enough to have amazing health in pregnancy. Many women have to take meds in pregnancy to stay healthy- I had to take mine to stay mentally healthy. I don't think any illness should preclude you from having babies!

have you spoken to your GP/anyone else about coming off the ads or did you do it yourself and just cut them out? normally you would want to wean off them slowly....

There are AD's out there which are ok for use while pregnant and breastfeeding. sertraline is one of them, but there are plenty of others...

Thanks very much for your replies… Bundaberg… I did speak to my Dr and he said it was fine to come off fluoxetine without tapering because it has a long half life in the body. I didn't believe him so tapered anyway the first time. Then the second time I just stopped. Initially there were no problems, but the anxiety and depression have just gradually crept back up on me again. B'stards that they are…

Peachypips… I have toyed with the idea of staying on the a/ds - and I am really glad it worked for you. But the trouble with anxiety is that any risk is too much risk - especially combined with my age, which brings risks of its own. I work in science and latest studies I've read don't put my mind at rest. I guess it is more of a case of coming to terms with the decision to stick with one wonderful child and not feel guilty about it (I don't really know why I feel guilty - pressure to provide a sibling maybe?). Anyway - thanks very much for taking the trouble to reply. Much appreciated.