Why is life so hard?

[thesnowmanrocks]

I haven't posted in here before, but I thought I would post here and see if other people felt the same and I'm not the only one as it certainly feels I am. Sorry if I ramble.

Well I have suffered depression since I was 10. It started when I had a breakdown at that age. My parents split up as my father was violent towards her. In the last few years I have come to relise that because my cousin did things to me that a child should never have done to them, that it was probably because of that. Because my parents split I just couldn't cope anymore and just shut down. So really depression seems to be the story of my life!

I had my ds5 and had quite bad pnd. Nasty, nasty thoughts of harming him. The dr put me on citalipram which got me out the other side. My mother and step father didn't understand making comments such as "oh, don't say that to her, she can't cope with things like that now!". Which pissed me off but I never said anything just to keep the peace.

Now I'm having a tough time yet again. (Why doesn't that suprise me!) my Dh husband lost his job in September as he had an accident and damaged nerves in his back. So he has pain everyday. I can't work as my m.s effects me daily. So not supprising money's very tight and everything is falling on my shoulders at the mo.

I'm just finding life so damn fucking hard, I have no interest in anything I want to curl up in a dark room. At least life would leave me alone then. If it wasn't for my children I'm sure I would 6ft under by now. I know. Can't do that because they need me. So I just have to cope. The dr put me back on citalipram last week but only 10mg. I took 20mg today as I feel I'm having a really crap day and it's still only the morning!

Sorry it's abit long I don't know what I wanted to get out of posting this, I suppose I thought writing it down might help. I suppose I wanted to know it's not just me who feels like this?
And feels like no one sort of understands what it's like? I don't have any friends in rl, so it's just my Dh,mum, step dad and kids.
God I look so sad Billy no mates but I am. I'm not really botherd though I'm very much a loner!

Sorry again that I've bored anyone but this has stopped me from crying anyway so I suppose some goods come of it?!

[hugs]
Life can indeed be hard, and you have had it harder than most.

On here, people say that ADs can take 2 weeks to kick in. So I suspect you will feel a little better in a weeks time. Though I appreciate a week probably feels like a long way away right now.

I am all in favour of writing things down. Helps me too.

Have you talked to anyone about the cousin situation?

Thankyou so much.
I told my mum a few years ago she believed me and was upset. Haven't spoken to her since. She's the sort of person to brush it under the carpet.
Spoken to my Dh he listened, but I suppose it's hard for him to really understand. I just can't really talk to mum she doesn't understand maks out she does but she doesn't. My step dad makes joke like "oh he's so deppressed" I just say "if you really had you wouldn't joke about it".

My Dh tries to understand but I suppose as he's not in my head he can't fully really. I've had anger problems but have dealt with that a few years back so I tend to shout and scream which I know is wrong too as no one would listen them either.

I suppose posting here for this first time writing down has helped abit I suppose.

But why can't we just live our lives without shit getting in the way. It just never seems to leave me alone. I suppose thats why I feel I'm not meant for this earth. But as I keep reminding myself "my children need me". And I couldn't go to my grave knowing they weren't settled and happy, as in they have a house/job they can look after themselves.

Why is life so shit?

I agree that it's hard.
Regarding the AD's I think gp's will aways start you off on a low dose and build it up until you are on a dose that is actually therapeutic, so those need a bit more time yet but will start to help soon.
You have MS, isn't depression one of the elements of that as well? So it is not unsurprising that you are low, esp as your other half is in pain and out of work. That's a lot for anyone to cope with.
In your shoes I would make sure to make regular appointments with your Gp and make sure you take the ADs regularly. Perhaps ask to be referred for some counselling? Round here my GP has a counsellor who is attached to the practise and you can see them locally. It may only be for a limited number of sessions, but it might help.
Also I would continue to use MN as an outlet for writing, or reading about other people's issues.
Lastly, please be kind to yourself. It won't feel this bad for ever. Accept that you are ill and there are limits on what you can do for now.

Thankyou so much.
Yes, depression can be a part of m.s so i suppose that makes me more serceptable?!

I don't know about more counselling? I think I've talked to so many over the years there's only so much it can do? I think I feel everything is abit hopeless and I suppose it's just another thing I have to learn to live with?

Your very kind, but I do find it very hard to be kind to myself. Think I've never seen any positives in me as everything just goes wrong. (Apart from dc).

It's hard I think to admit to being ill, as no one can see it. It's just another silent illness that people can a easily say your lying!
Thankyou all so much for just taking time to read my ramble I do feel abit better but still, you know it's hard!